Good News Week

GNW Award Nominations: Sauce Bottle for Science

Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon Craig Bittner, for running his car on fat sucked from his patients called “lipo-diesel”.

And he uses their love handles as shammies.

Ah, fat people.  Is there anything we can’t do with their grotesque corpulence?

And if he runs out of fat, he’ll use their juiced brains.

It’s also great for filling waterbeds. / for making really comfortable couches.

So eat up, chubby!

That’s right – if enough of us just pork up, the resource crisis will be over!

Who would’ve guessed – the obesity crisis will save us from climate change!

In the future, the only oil crisis will be an extra-virgin olive one!

Although his car a heart condition. / his duco has developed cellulite.

On the downside, his car now is very sluggish on the hills.  But on the upside, it’s got a much bigger boot. / its boot is HUGE.

Although now when he gets to 70, his car breaks out into an all-over sweat.

And when he’s finished stuffing his car with the lard sucked out of boombahs, he’s going to work on a cure for cancer.

It’s just more efficient than riding the fat bastards. / than getting them to push his car the old fashioned way.

Best of all, now his car’s got a boombar.

Instead of going to a service station, he just fills ’er up at the Hungry Jacks.

Unfortunately he was arrested, and has been forced to switch to unlarded.

He was arrested when police noticed his car was carrying a couple of spare tyres.

Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon Craig Bittner, for running his car on “lipo-diesel” – fat sucked from his patients.  Or as he calls them, “living bowsers”.


The South Korean scientists who used cloning techniques to create 4 beagles with thinner skin that glow red under ultra-violet light.

They were going to take the research further, but they’ve had a strong urge to stop.

Now if only they can teach them to bark “neenaw neenaw” they’ll have a practical application.

Perfect for those occasions when your current pet doesn’t glow red under ultra-violet light. / when you really need a glowing beagle.

Although if you get the skin too thin, they eat themselves, thinking they’re a big bundle of yummy bones.

Which makes the dogs easier to find amongst their robot army.

The perfect accessory pet for nightclubbers.

The dogs are very energy efficient, but a bugger to screw into your light-fittings.

Next, the scientists are moving on to fluorescent rottweilers and strobe-corgis.

They’re not just a cross-breed – they’re furious!

Though if you want to the dogs to light up, you need to plug them into an electric sheep.

Unfortunately a glowing red dog is really difficult to put out at night.

They only glow under ultraviolet light, or when they’re chasing lasercats.

They just need to grow a couple more heads and they’ll finally have their own hellhound. / and they’ll finally have a Cerberus to guard the gates of Genetic Engineering Hell.

The Korean scientists say the research isn’t frivolous.  In fact, the fluorescence really improves their flavour.


The U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security, for asking scientists to develop an artificial nose that can detect the smell of fear on terrorists.

Because they don’t want to have to smell that shit themselves. / Because if a terrorist really is shitting himself, they’d rather leave the sniffing to a robot.

Because they’re sick of having to sniff all the passengers at airports themselves. / sick of having to do all the sniffing themselves.

Because god knows we’re not going to find Osama any other way.

Artificial noses can run all day! / The best thing about an artificial nose is that it can run all day.

The artificial nose runs continually. Which is great for surveillance purposes, but does mean they go through a lot of tissues.

Apparently, the smell of fear is very similar to the smell of hummus. / terrorist-fear smells like hummus.

The machine can detect even the subtlest smell of fear, no matter whether it’s urine or faeces.

Because body odours change with fear, especially when you piss yourself. / shit yourself.

Of course the machine is unable to tell whether you’re fearful because you’re a terrorist, or because you’re being frisked by an artificial nose.

Satisfied with their robot nose that can detect nervousness, scientists are now working on a giant tongue that can taste evil thoughts. / taste your MIND.

Unfortunately when the machine was first installed, the scientists were so nervous that they all got sent to Guantanamo.

Of course, an even more useful invention than a robotic nose that smells fear, might be one that can smell BOMBS. / WEAPONS.

The artificial nose is extremely efficient to run, just needing an occasional snot-change.

Unfortunately, it may not stop terrorists. Even in a crowded airport, the robot nose is easy to pick.


And Professor Gero Miesenbock & his team from Oxford University, who have managed to implant bad memories in the brains of flies.

So what, I’ve done that.  Chasing after them, going “Shoo!”

Of course, there’s still the old-fashioned way – chasing them with a flyswat.

You know – like giant spiders, cans of Mortein, or shit that smells like roses.

After all, those little bastards deserve it.

Ah, the future of science – traumatising insects.

But then scientists can implant bad memories in any creature’s brain.  It’s their speciality!

The research has given a real boost to fly shrinks. / flychiatrists.

That’s the last time they’ll interrupt research with their stupid buzzing.

And believe it or not, they find our children just as gross as we find theirs.

And it took a lot of work to top the memory of growing up as a maggot.

It’s all part of the beautiful dream that, one day in the not too distant future, they can implant bad memories into EVERYONE’S brains.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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