Good News Week

Stupid Vampires (GNW 23/11/09: 5 Second Grab)

The Twilight phenomenon hit a new high last week with the release of the “New Moon” movie.  Across the world, young teen girls flocked into movie theatres to swoon over a 108-year-old with false teeth. / dental problems.

All the goth kiddies want to be vampires.  They’re the only things that can wear capes without looking like idiots.

Meanwhile, with the popularity of Twilight, True Blood and The Vampire Diaries, vampire covens are springing up featuring actual blood-drinking.  But really, they’re just fang clubs.

Meanwhile, with the popularity of Twilight, True Blood and The Vampire Diaries, vampire covens are springing up featuring actual blood-drinking.  Well, okay, so it’s mostly bloody-mary-drinking.  But they wear plastic fangs!

They’d much rather have people think their pale skin is the result of being a vampire, than just days stuck inside squeezing pimples and checking Facebook. / than just because they were grounded.

But I’m sorry to say kiddies, sucking on your arm after a bit of self-harm with a compass just doesn’t make you a vampire.  It makes you a FUCKING LOSER.

Of course, when they say “I’m a vampire” they’re really saying “I’m an emo kiddie playing dress-ups”.  And when they say “and I drink blood!”, they’re really saying “when I got my tongue pierced, I didn’t spit much out at ALL”. / “ow, I bit my tongue”. / “ow, I didn’t know a tongue-piercing would hurt so much”.

People always take these things too far.  So let me just spell it out: drinking blood won’t make you immortal, won’t make you fly, and above all, won’t make you less of a dweeby cockhead.

Looks like some kiddies never grow out of wanting to play dress-ups.

The movie is said to be pretty scary.  Then again, to its demographic of 13 year-old girls, kissing a boy is still pretty scary. / having a boy touch your knee is still pretty scary.

Okay then – if you’re a vampire, turn into a bat.

The one benefit of these sad little vampire-wannabes is that now we don’t have to worry about running into them in daylight.

It’s okay for now, but just try being a “vampire” when you’re older.  Most employers want you to work daylight hours – and how they burn!

Of course, these “vampires” don’t get to fly, or turn into a bat, or live forever, or any of the other cool aspects of actually being a vampire.  But they do get to wear a cape. / a frilly cravat and walk around going “bleah”.

Pretending to be a vampire is still not as popular amongst teens as pretending to be a grown-up.

It’s the perfect way for real vampires to remain hidden – all they need to do is dress like normal people. / not dress like vampires.

They don’t seem to be repelled by garlic or sunlight.  However, mention doing the washing up, and they suddenly disappear… / doing a  bit of bloody housework, and suddenly they have to crawl themselves back to their crypt.

Vampires can give you everything: eternal life, pale complexion, and a couple of little dots on the neck.

Pubescent girls are understandably drawn to vampires.  Vampires are guaranteed not to find their periods gross. / icky.

Pubescent girls are understandably drawn to vampires.  Vampires don’t find their new periods gross – they’re DELICIOUS.

Vampires also find pubescent girls attractive.  Especially their fresh periods.

It’s a tragedy.  Pubescent girls fall for vampires, when pubescent boys feel more like werewolves.

Part of the appeal is that all the actors cast as lead vampires are handsome, charismatic young men.  They should try bringing back Bela Lugosi and see how much teen girls like “the undead”.

A hundred-year creature chasing a teenage girl is a bit sick really.  That should only happen at Schoolies.

Of course the Twilight vampires don’t turn into bats, cast reflections in mirrors and seem unharmed by sunlight, garlic and crosses.  So in that case, maybe I’m a vampire too!

Twilight fans call themselves “Twi-hards”, which, frankly, is a little try-hard.

They call themselves “Twi-hards”.  Well, at least they’re honest.

“Twi-hards”.  Well, at least it’s better than “Lamepires.”

Of course, this recent increase in people calling themselves “vampires” will undoubtedly lead to an increase in people calling themselves “Buffy”.

Some girls just like the romance of having their blood sucked.  And vampires are better looking than mosquitos.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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