The Sideshow Ep. 22: monologue material

Family First has dumped candidate Andrew Quah after photos of him flashing in the mirror were emailed around the country. He’s furious – those photos were only intended to be circulated amongst party members…

Andrew Quah, a Family First candidate, has been dumped after photos of him “parading his private parts” were emailed around the country. He claims he was just showing the public his Honorable Member. / his Little Johnny.

Andrew said that he “might have been drunk off my face” – or as it’s known now, the “Rudd defense”.

Andrew Quah says that his “political enemies might have drugged me.” Because Family First is such a threat to the major parties…

He’s saying that his “political enemies” must have drugged him and taken the pictures themselves to discredit him. But if his enemies wanted to discredit him, surely it would be enough to just say that he’s a member of Family First…

Andrew Quah said he thought it was possible he’d posed for the photos. “I might have been drunk off my face or my political enemies might have drugged me.” Sure. His political enemies INSIDE HIS HEAD.

One pic shows him exposing his special bits as he takes a photo of himself in the mirror, but Andy says, “That’s not my penis. That’s a picture of Mr Howard.”

He’s also admitted to looking at porn websites in the past 2 weeks. It’s amazing what you get when you type in “Family First”… / He’d accidentally typed in “Family Fist”…

He’s also admitted to downloading porn over the last two weeks. Or as he calls it, researching family impact statements.

What a scandal! Just 22 years old – far too young to be a member of Family First!

Personally, I think anyone running for Family First should have a family first.

He’s started a new party: Pornography First. To be honest, he never really like that “Family” part.

“Those porn stars are my family!”

It was an understandable mistake; he was just trying to advance his career with US Republicans.

A Family First spokeswoman said Quah had been expelled because, “He does not share the party’s values.” After all, Quah’s Facebook page states his religion is “Conservative Atheism”, which does seem at odds with Family First’s usual “Extreme Christianity”.

Quah admitted downloading porn despite Family First’s policy of blocking all porn on the internet. Actually, Quah was hoping he might get the job. / Quah says he was just seeing exactly what they were going to ban.

A Family First spokeswoman said Quah had been expelled because, “He does not share the party’s values.” Apparently Kevin Rudd’s taken him under his wing…

It’s a shame, as Quah’s nomination had proven that Family First wasn’t entirely made up of white Christians with big cocks.

Scandal in London, after it was revealed 2 men had been arrested for trying to blackmail a member of the Royal Family over a video which they suggested showed the royal engaged in oral sex. We can’t say who it is, but let’s just say she’s not called the Titular Head for nothing…

It’s scandalous enough that the royal was caught engaging in oral sex – but with a corgi?

The men demanded £50,000 not to publicise the tape, although Prince Harry reckons it’s gotta be worth more than that, she was a right hottie.

The men also claimed to have evidence that the royal had supplied an aide with cocaine – although Prince Charles has stepped in, claiming it was actually Lady Di’s ashes.

Of course, royals don’t have oral sex – they dress up as French maids and whip each other with corgi tails.

The video apparently contains footage of an aide giving the royal oral sex and snorting cocaine. And fair enough, drugs help to ease the pain of grovelling 24 hours a day.

Who could it be? Not Wills, he’s got that lovely Kate Middleton. And Harry, he must have chicks on call. And Charles has got that lovely Camilla… ah.

This is the first time in more than 100 years that a member of the Royal Family has been the victim of blackmail. And these days it’s considered uncouth to just say “Off with their heads!”

This is the first time in more than 100 years that a member of the Royal Family has been the victim of blackmail. Not since Victoria was blackmailed by a man with a portrait of her in a ruffled petticoat. The scandal!

This is the first time in more than 100 years that a member of the Royal Family has been the victim of blackmail. The last time was when Princess Gwenyth accidentally flashed the wheels of her velocipede.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

An announcement from Big Brother: it’s time to go… Gretel Killeen!

Gretel Killeen has been dumped by Big Brother and replaced by Kyle & Jackie O – apparently the producers wanted to make the show even more obnoxious and infantile.

We were going to have Gretel Killeen on the show tonight, but she’s been replaced by Kyle & Jackie O, and there’s no way we were having those useless fucks on.

An announcement from Channel Ten – Kyle and Jackie O are going to be the new hosts of “Big Brother”. It’s a radical experiment to see just how low the ratings can sink.

Could Gretel Killeen please move her car out of the ABC car park – we’re NOT INTERESTED.

It’s been revealed that Malcolm Turnbull not only wanted the Government to sign the Kyoto Protocol, and not to build nuclear power stations, he also thinks Kevin has nicer hair than John.

Malcolm Turnbull and John Howard have agreed to put aside their differences for the good of the party, and delay having an all-out barney until they’ve both lost their seats.

An announcement: Could everyone please move their cars – Howard and Turnbull want to have a punch-on in the carpark.

We’ve got an announcement from Malcolm Turnbull – apparently the Howard government sucks balls. Although you didn’t hear it from him.

Labor, the Greens and the Democrats are ganging up on the government to regain control of the Senate – although, to be accurate, it was originally just the Greens and Labor, until Lynne Allison came running up saying, “Hey, don’t forget me!”

Labor, the Greens and the Democrats are ganging up on the government to regain control of the Senate. Not only have they released an ad together, and done preference deals, they’re also sneaking up on John Howard from different directions and saying “Boo!” Very disconcerting.

Labor, the Greens and the Democrats are ganging up on the government to regain control of the Senate. Well, there’s nothing official – just Rudd, Brown and Allison hiding behind the front door of Parliament with baseball bats.

An announcement: could everyone please move their cars – the Greens, the Democrats and Labor are waiting for John Howard in the carpark.

An announcement from the royal sex tape scandal – apparently the tape doesn’t show a royal engaged in oral sex, it’s actually moral sex. Very moral, and proper, and royally righteous.

The British entrant in Miss World says she was told to pack on the kilos if she wanted to impress the judges. Fair enough too – “Miss World” should be at least globe-shaped, if not covered in continents and seas. / if not being orbited.

Miss World’s British entry, Georgia Horsley, said organisers want “their girls to be more voluptuous and womanly and curvy, rather than stick thin.” However, entrants for Miss Anorexic are still required to be deathly gaunt.

The organisers of Miss World are said to be looking for girls to be more voluptuous, rather than “stick thin”. Miss Stick Insect has objected: “This is my optimal build!”

The organisers of Miss World are said to be looking for girls to be more voluptuous, rather than “stick thin”. Advertisers have found that ultra-thin models can result in their customers having an unfortunately high rate of mortality.

We have announcement from the organisers of Miss World: girls, you have to eat more. You’re so skinny we can actually see your drugs through your ribs.

Big news – Britney’s mum is writing a book about parenting! “Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story Of Fame & Family In A Tabloid World” by Lynne Spears will be out next year. Finally, we too can raise fucked up trailer trash.

Big news – Britney’s mum is writing a book about parenting! “Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story Of Fame & Family In A Tabloid World” by Lynne Spears will be out next year. The original title, “My daughter’s a talentless drug-fucked trailer-trash bimbo” was deemed too accurate.

Britney’s Mum is writing a book about parenting. It’s full of great tips for how to turn your child into a terrible parent.

Britney’s Mum is writing a book about parenting. She’s just hoping Britney will read it.

Britney’s Mum is writing a book about parenting. She just wishes she’d thought about parenting when she was raising Britney.

We wanted to have Britney’s mum on the show tonight to showcase her new book on parenting – but she couldn’t make it. Apparently she had to skin some muskrats for the family hoedown.

NEXT WEEK

Tommorrow sees the 2007 New York City marathon – the winner is the first one to get to the end without dying from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Tomorrow’s New York City marathon will feature entrants trying to out-run two hijacked passenger jets.

John Edward from TV show “Crossing Over” starts his Australian tour in Perth, which is significantly further than he’s ever crossed over before. / Wouldn’t it be easier to start in the afterlife? / which was chosen for its marked similarity with the afterlife.

John Edwards from TV show “Crossing Over” starts his Australian tour in Perth – he thought it was best to begin in a ghost town…

Tomorrow will be Phillip Island’s one-day festival, “Chill Island 2007”, named after how fucking cold it is there. You been there? It’s so cold it’s full of penguins.

Claire Bowditch curates Chill Island on Churchill Island on Phillip Island. Which I think is on Australia. Shouldn’t be hard to find.

The Melbourne Cup parade through the streets of Melbourne will feature not just jockeys, but a whole host of tenuously linked celebrities!

Monday’s Melbourne Cup parade features the jockeys riding down Swanston St – in cars. Doesn’t that just let them get soft?

The new Kate Moss fragrance “Kate” goes on sale in Australia – better than the original name, “Moss”.

The new Kate Moss fragrance “Kate” goes on sale in Australia – better than the original name, “Eating DIsorder”.

Kate Moss’ new fragrance, “Kate” goes on sale. Pete Doherty is also going to release a new scent – “Scag”. / which can only be taken intravenously.

The new Kate Moss fragrance “Kate” goes on sale in Australia – now you too can smell like an anorexic junkie!

On Monday, the new Kate Moss fragrance “Kate” goes on sale in Australia. It’s in a tiny weeny little bottle about double the width of Kate Moss herself.

Spice Girls release new single – in a reference to their first big hit “Wannabe”, it’s called “Has-been”.

The Spice Girls release new single, entitled “Headlines”, subtitled “Friendship Never Ends”, and sub-subtitled “or at least we’re willing to act like it never ends if you give us 100 million dollars”.

On Monday, auditions for Australia’s Next Top Model begin in Perth. The first heat is model aeroplanes.

Tuesday, of course, is the Melbourne Cup – the nation’s most famous midget race!

Tuesday, of course, is the Melbourne Cup – the race that stops the nation! Except for the horses. If they stopped it would all be a bit boring.

Tuesday is Melbourne Cup Day, with all the finest frocks, designer hats, and the most expensive champagne – oh, and some weird horse-beating ceremony. / and some horserace.

On Tuesday it’s Melbourne Cup day! The fastest midgets in the whole damn country!

On Tuesday it’s Melbourne Cup day! A day that combines gorgeous women, sweating horses, and very short men – but not in the way you’re thinking.

On Wednesday, the Reserve Bank will decide whether to raise interest rates, and Howard and Costello will decide whether to swallow hemlock. / commit hari-kari.

Next Wednesday’s the Reserve Bank’s decision on interest rates – until then, they’re just gunna leave us hanging.

Next Wednesday’s the Reserve Bank’s decision on interest rates. Apparently it all depends on global conditions, the fiscal results of local micromarkets, and whether it’s heads or tails.

Former weapons’ inspector Hans Blix will be visiting Sydney Uni – it’s believed they have weapons of mass destruction. / it’s believed that the “More Beer” party is actually a training camp for terrorists.

Sydney Uni plays host to a lecture from former UN weapons inspector Hans Blix, who’ll be telling us he still needs more time to determine whether Saddam has WMD.

Sydney Uni plays host to a lecture from former UN weapons inspector Hans Blix, who’ll be talking at length about how cool his surname is.

The Skydiving World Cup will be held in Sydney. The winner is the one who lands in the cup.

Wednesday is Ladies’ Day at the Melbourne Cup Carnival; my money’s on Princess Anne.

Wednesday is Ladies’ Day at the Melbourne Cup Carnival; the only man allowed is Carson Kressley in drag.

It’s the Melbourne Cup Carnival: Wednesday is Ladies’ Day, following on from Pissed Dickhead Day on Tuesday.

Wednesday is Ladies’ Day at the Melbourne Cup Carnival; well, someone’s got to do the cleaning up.

Next Wednesday is Ladies’ Day at the Melbourne Cup Carnival. Shane Warne has already placed orders.

On Wednesday, Telstra will hold a General Meeting, due to the wonders of modern technology you should be able to see a grainy image of Sol Trujillo stutter online. If the site doesn’t crash.

One year since Britney & Kevin got divorced, they’re going to celebrate with a nice night out where they can just throw cutlery at each other without the kids.

Next Wednesday is Reputation Management lecture at the Sydney Institute. Everyone says it’s the best.

The Sydney Institute will host a Reputation Management lecture. Liberal Party MPs expected to be taking extensive notes.

Unfortunately Al Gore won’t be able to receive the Sydney Peace Prize, so they’ll have to give it to Alan Jones.

Thursday’s Guinness World Records Day will be disappointingly normal. / average.

Thursday is Guinness World Records Day, and I’ll be trying to drink a world record amount of Guiness.

On Thursday, the Sex Pistols will perform their latest reunion concert – although at their age it’s fair to say they may have shot their load.

On Thursday, the Sex Pistols will perform their latest reunion concert – sponsored by Viagra.

On Thursday, the Sex Pistols will perform their latest reunion concert – and, by now, he’s well and truly Johnny Rotten.

And the cricket finally starts again! At last something important to distract us from the damn election!

Brisbane’s Good Food & Wine Show is expected to be an improvement on last year’s OK Food & Wine Show and the previous year’s Not Bad Grub Show.

Next Friday is the Good Food & Wine Show in Brisbane, promising some of the most okayish food and wine around.

Next Friday is the Good Food & Wine Show in Brisbane, followed by the Okay Food and Wine Show, and the Well I Suppose It’ll Do Food and Wine Show.

Delta Goodrem turns 23. Pah, and to think she’s only had 3 hit albums and a career as a TV star.

The Gigantour Metal Festival will be cancelled when a giant robot turns up and destroys Megadeth.

Next Saturday is the 2007 World Netball Championships. They’re using Saturn’s rings as the net…

Next Saturday, the World Netball Championships begin, and all around the world, confused nerds are disappointed after thinking it was going to be internet-ball.

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