The Sideshow Ep. 23: monologue material

Please note that the second last Sideshow this Saturday night is on at the extra-unspecial time of 11:25pm!

Regular jokestream is now being resumed…

Speaking at a campaign rally, Peter Costello’s wife Tanya said most people only saw the Treasurer, not the man she fell in love with. She sees someone “who cares deeply about other people, lying awake at night tossing and turning as he worries about people’s jobs, people’s situations.” Of course, we all know he’s thinking about interest rates while he’s tossing – and he’s turning so he doesn’t have to sleep in the wet patch.

Costello’s actually a soft, warm, new age guy – he just pretends to be a fucking prick.

Interesting: he spends all night worrying, but all day smirking.

The wives of Peter Costello and Malcolm Turnbull have come out with glowing tributes to their husbands. Good news for Peter and Malcolm, looks like they’ve each got one vote locked in!

Tanya Costello said that she loved the fact that hubby Peter could laugh at himself. Yeah, he finds himself hilarious.

According to Tanya, Peter rehearses speeches and cracks funny lines in the shower. He calls his rubber duck Mr Squeaker. / He calls the shampoo Mr Speaker.

According to Tanya, Peter cracks funny lines in the shower. And you should see his white elephant impression!

Tanya also admires his intelligence, his compassion and “the way he can laugh at himself”. It’s hard not to join in when everyone else is laughing at him…

She had also heard him rehearsing “lots of speeches and funny lines in the shower.” Funny lines like “Australians are better off than ever”, “we care about Aussie families”, and “Yes John, of course I respect you as a leader”.

Last week, Malcolm Turnbull’s wife Lucy wrote a letter to voters in Wentworth telling them about the man SHE loves. Apparently Malcolm isn’t a toff, didn’t have a privileged childhood, is all about making a contribution, and has a strong feminist side. He’s also a black lesbian single mother who loves puppies.

In a letter to his constituents, Lucy Turnbull wrote that her hubby Malcolm has a strong feminist side. That’s why he’s in the Liberal Party – solidarity, sisters! / He reckons those feminists are hot!

Malcolm has been “everything and more you would expect from a loving father.” There’s only one thing that he really hates, and that’s the environment.

Inspired by all the spousal support, Peter Garrett’s wife Doris has chimed in, saying that people should stop picking on hubbie for his dumb political mistakes, and just focus on all the great things he stood for when he still had principles.

Similarly, Janette Howard says that Johnny isn’t just a great leader, an empassioned politician, and a strong parliamentarian – he’s also a top root. / – he’s also an expert at cunnilingus.

Janette Howard also came out in support of the PM’s campaign, saying “NOOO! MY GARDEN! I’VE JUST HAD THE DRAPES CHANGED! OH THE HUMANITY!”

Therese Rein also came out in support of Kevin Rudd’s campaign, saying “Apparently there’s some sort of election on… so, if we have to vote, my hubby’s as good as anyone”.

Tony Abbott was also going to get us to hear a few words from his son, but it turned out to be someone else’s…

Peter Costello’s got to get his wife to campaign for him, because his brother’s busy campaigning for Labor.

Julia Gillard’s boyfriend has come out on the campaign trail too, assuring us she is far from frigid…

In the A.C.T, a Year 10 student has been given permission to take cigarette breaks at school because her doctor says she’s clinically addicted to nicotine. And patches just are like so last season.

Of course, it is totally illegal to give cigarettes to anyone under 18, but the school lets the 16 year-old smoke a pack a day between classes to relieve her stress. After all, who’s ever heard of a stressed 16 year old?

She’s not allowed to smoke them near other students – she has to take them to the injecting room.

Other stressed students are also being given breaks to bite their nails or self-harm.

“As soon as I’ve got a cigarette in my hand, I’m calmer,” she said. “And I’m calmest of all when I have a smoke just after I shoot up.”

In fact if she misses a smoko she gets detention.

Good to hear she’s learning a skill that’ll be useful in the workplace.

She’s also allowed to take drugs and drink – so long as she stays under .05.

Her school results have improved markedly, although her medical test results… not so good.

The mother started rewarding her daughter with cigs if she did her chores. Like taking out the rubbish, cleaning her room, or shooting mummy full of smack.

The mother started rewarding her daughter with ciggies
if she did her chores and behaved at school. She was looking for something low in sugar and fats. / Well at least it’s not lollies.

Her mother said, “We worried she wasn’t going to finish Year 10 if she couldn’t smoke.” Now, she’ll make it through Year 10, and maybe even to 40.

The girl says it’s all part of her studies. She’s studying to be a drug-addict. / bogan. / total fuck-up. / crack-whore.

Other students are frantically trying to smoke as many cigarettes as possible to get clinically addicted too.

The doctor also prescribes cigarettes as a cure for cancer. It’s long-term and painful, but the cure is permanent.

Several other students are allowed to take the substances they’re addicted to. There’s one on speed, a couple on heroin, and one who has to spend every recess watching Oprah.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Vogue has voted the Queen one of the world’s most glamorous women – please, no nude centrefold…

Vogue has voted the Queen one of the world’s most glamorous women – we are not amused.

An announcement from the Queen – since she’s been voted one of the world’s most glamorous women, she’s going to be going clubbing with Paris Hilton, snorting coke with Kate Moss, and getting snapped with no undies with Britney Spears.

An announcement from Peter Garrett: he asks the public to please please please remember that, deep down inside, he’s still actually just a rock star.

Peter Garrett is sticking by the claim that his comment about Labor reversing its policies once it got into power was a joke. Though it may turn out to be a non-core joke.

An announcement from Peter Garrett – Labor really just has the same policies as the Liberals! No, hang on, he says that’s a joke. No, sorry, I misread that – he says he’s a joke.

Peter Garrett was going to be on the show, but it turned out his jokes weren’t that funny.

Peter Garrett had promised to be here tonight, but that turned out to be a joke.

Steve Price was going to be on the show, but apparently he didn’t realise we were joking.

Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf has declared martial law and suspended the constitution, saying he won’t let the country commit suicide. He wants to murder it.

Latest country to be won by the terrorists… that’d be Pakistan.

Loony golddigging whore Heather Mills is in the news again, complaining that the media keeps calling her “loony”, a “golddigger” and a “whore”. Well not around here, let me tell you.

Nicole Kidman again denies having any plastic surgery – she’s always had those gills.

Melbourne Cup Week has now drawn to a close, so it’s time to put away those ridiculous clothes. I’m looking at you, jockeys…

Melbourne Cup Week has now drawn to a close, so it’s time to put away those ridiculous clothes, take off those silly hats, and get off those horses.

Another interest rate rise… no Johnny, that’s not interest in you.

John Howard claims the latest interest rate rise is another reason to vote Liberal – only they will keep wages low enough to ensure you can’t afford the mortgage.

And it’s only 2 weeks ‘til the election! It’s so exciting, getting to pick the next person to ruin our country! / getting to pick between identical candidates who can’t do anything about interest rates, and won’t do anything about the environment! Woo!

Joe Hockey has offered to resign from the Workplace Relations Ministry if a Coalition government made substantial further changes to the IR laws. He’s hoping Costello will make him Treasurer instead.

Kylie Minogue had to cancel her appearance on the show for fear it might damage her health. Don’t worry Kyles, the Space Cowboy isn’t on this week!

NEXT WEEK

Next week sees the Liberal Party and ALP officially launch their election campaigns. See, the rest of this time they’ve just been practicing.

Tomorrow’s the official Liberal Party campaign launch, which ministers assure us that this will be the big “circuit breaker” that will “trigger the narrowing of the polls”. And John Howard will be Prime Minister for 300 years!

And tomorrow it’s Remembrance Day, whatever that’s about…

And remember, tomorrow’s Whatsaname Day.

Tomorrow’s Remembrance Day – don’t forget…

Tomorrow’s Remembrance Day, lest we forget the… people who thingied in the… whatsit.

Buy a poppy for Remembrance Day, but try to remember not to smoke it, or you’ll forget what you bought it for in the first place.

And tomorrow’s the 32nd anniversary of the Whitlam government’s dismissal! We’re trying to organise a re-enactment by John Howard…

And tomorrow’s the 3rd anniversary of Yasser Arafat’s death. We’re trying to organise a re-enactment by John Howard…

Tomorrow’s the 55th anniversary of the first demonstration of the VCR– it taped the wrong channel, and it took three hours to find the remote.

Tomorrow’s the 55th anniversary of the first demonstration of the VCR. They taped the wrong channel and got the last half of a movie they hated.

And tomorrow’s the 127th anniversary of the hanging of Ned Kelly. We’re trying to organise a re-enactment by John Howard…

Tomorrow’s the 127th anniversary of the Ned Kelly hanging – the death of Australia’s favourite violent murderer. Do you think that, in 127 years, we’ll be celebrating Chopper?

Tomorrow’s the final of Miss Earth International pageant! The winner gets the world to keep! / The winner gets the moon!

Tomorrow’s the final of Miss Earth International pageant! Hopefully we don’t see a repeat of last year, when the winner celebrated by showing us all her moon…

Final of Miss Earth International pageant, with the winner going on to Betelgeuse for the regional final. Stiff competition there from Miss Rigel Beta, even though technically she is married. Well, quordleplexed.

Tomorrow’s the start of National Psychology Week. The opening is always a huge event, hosted by multiple personalities…

It’s National Psychology Week! Or is it…

Tomorrow marks the start of National Psychology Week, and starting next Saturday and working back to tomorrow is National Reverse Psychology Week.

It’s National Psychology Week, though National Reverse Psychology Week definitely won’t be happening. So there.

Peter Garrett will be going on tomorrow’s Walk Against Warming, although later he will deny that he went, and then claim that he only went on it for a joke.

Peter Garrett will be going on tomorrow’s Walk Against Warming, although later in the day he’ll participate in the Walk Against Warming So Long As Developing Countries Are Included In Any Future Agreement.

Malcolm Turnbull will miss tomorrow’s Walk Against Warming – he’ll be participating in the Drive Against Annihilation. / the Drive Against Principle. / but he will be part of the March to Extinction.

Malcolm Turnbull has decided he will participate in tomorrow’s Walk Against Warming, though he’ll be taking his car.

Tomorrow’s Walk Against Warming will run into an old man in a tracksuit walking in the other direction…

Tomorrow’s the Walk Against Warming in Sydney! Ironically, the heat generated by so many people all walking at once is the equivalent of a coal-burning powerplant!

Tomorrow’s the Walk Against Warming in Sydney! The Nature Conservation Council is hoping for 60,000 people, among them Garrett and Brown. Turnbull won’t be there, as he’s busy attending the Walk For Warming on the other side of town…

Crazy John’s memorial service will be in Melbourne on Monday; as a mark of respect please remember to turn on your mobiles.

Crazy John’s memorial service will be in Melbourne on Monday; although in the ceremony, he’ll be referred to by his real name, Mentally Ill Jonathon. / Clinically Diagnosed Jonathon.

With the burial of the old Crazy John, the PM considers a new career after politics…

And the memorial service of Crazy John will be good news for one person, his successor Criminally Insane Boris. No suspicious circumstances there.

On Monday, it’s Crazy John’s memorial service in Melbourne. It’s a sad sad day for his family – but great news for customers, as everything MUST GO!

In the U.S., laptops are on sale for $200 though Computers For The Poor – at those prices I’ll take a thousand!

In the U.S., laptops are on sale for $200 though Computers For The Poor – of course, the software is still way overpriced. / although, they do only work with Windows 95. / although, they are only CGA.

On Monday, it’s Computers For The Poor, with $200 laptops on sale in the U.S. Coz like, Food For The Poor would just be like totally too obvious. / Coz without a computer, poor people just can’t see all the online stuff they’re too poor to afford. / Coz without a computer, poor people just can’t see all the online stuff they’re missing out on.

On Tuesday Peter Costello will give his deputy leader’s address in Canberra, dressed as Brutus…

On Tuesday Peter Costello will give his deputy leader’s address, although well into the speech it is planned to turn into the leader’s address – that is if Malcolm Turnbull doesn’t decide to try to beat him.

On Tuesday Peter Costello will give his deputy leader’s address, and about two-thirds of the way through will hand over to Tony Abbott, or Malcolm Turnbull… possibly Julie Bishop… or maybe Alexander Downer. It’s all been well worked out.

On Tuesday Peter Costello will give his deputy leader’s address, although the way the polls are going in Bennelong, he probably ought to give someone else a bit of experience in the job.

On Tuesday Peter Costello will give his deputy leader’s address, although the way the polls are going in Bennelong, he’ll only have about 10 days of deputy leading left.

On Tuesday Peter Costello gives a deputy leader’s address in Canberra. His talk is called “Why Old People Should Retire”. / “Bowing Out Gracefully”. / “I’m Not Smirking At You, I’m Smirking With You”.

On Tuesday, Charles & Camilla will open the Tutankhamun exhibition in London, causing major embarrassment when visitors are amazed by how “lifelike” Camilla is.

In London, Charles & Camilla open the Tutankhamun exhibition. I know what you’re thinking, and it’s cruel.

In London, Charles & Camilla open the Tutankhamun exhibition. The dried-up old husk will be on display until Charles takes her home.

Prince Charles will open the Tutankhamun exhibition on Tuesday, a day before his 59th birthday. The public unveiling of King Tut’s face comes just in time – Charles needs to inhale the boy king’s vapours or he’ll never make it to 60.

The Sydney Institute will host the launch of the Australian Dictionary of Biography, which means I can finally finish my Encyclopedia of Dictionary of Biography.

The Sydney Institute will host the launch of the Australian Dictionary of Biography, which comes with its own Dictionary of Biography Bibliography.

The Sydney Institute will host the launch of the Australian Dictionary of Biography, perhaps this country’s most un-necessary and uninteresting book.

Macquarie Bank announces their half-year results, which are expected to be one hundred and eighty two and a half days.

Wednesday is World Diabetes Day. Don’t forget your jellybeans.

On Wednesday, World Diabetes Day will be celebrated by blowing out the candles on an enormous brocolli.

On Wednesday, Prince Charles will celebrate his 59th birthday by getting Camilla to jump out of a giant cake shaped like Lady Di.

Thursday at the Australia Zoo is Steve Irwin Day – all day, babies are allowed free entry to the crocodile enclosure!

On Thursday it’s “Steve Irwin Day” at Australia Zoo. In honour of Steve himself, visitors to the Zoo are encouraged to creep up on Bindi and wrestle her to the ground. / encouraged to poke the remaining Irwins with a stick to see if they’ll attack. / encouraged to stab the remaining Irwins in the chest with a barbed stinger.

On Thursday it’s “Steve Irwin Day” at Australia Zoo, the only day when you’re allowed to throw rocks at the sting rays.

Thursday’s Foreign Affairs Debate means that Alexander Downer will finally be let out of the cage the Libs have kept him in all election campaign…

On Thursday, the International Women Leaders Global Security Summit in New York will include a session on why men are so dumb.

On Thursday, the International Women Leaders Global Security Summit in New York will include a session on how to nuke an assailant.

The World Conference on Doping In Sport begins, with special guest Marion Jones – on ice! / Ben Cousins – on ice!

On Thursday, it’s the World Conference on Doping In Sport. The major topic of discussion is whether drugs in sport should be condemned, or compulsory.

In Japan, a portable toilet for your car goes on sale. It makes your car shit-hot.

In Japan, a portable toilet for your car goes on sale. Just don’t make the mistake of attaching it to your subwoofer.

In Japan, a portable toilet for your car goes on sale. And they’re not just taking the piss.

In Japan, a portable toilet for your car goes on sale, meaning at last you can crap at 100 k.

On Friday, it’s the Inside Film Awards on the Gold Coast – finally, endoscopic movies have their own forum. / finally, an awards night dedicated to the colonoscope!

Fremantle Festival; – in which all the mantles are finally freed! (sing) Freeee Nelson Mantle-a!

On Friday, it’s the Woolworth’s Annual General Meeting – that’s right! Woo! Yeah! Yeah! All right! Fantastic! Woo! The Annual General Meeting of Woolworths! Yeah! Okay! …oh, did I mention we’re not coming back next year?

Next Saturday, Shane Warne’s favourite time of year – Schoolies’ Week begins! Like the great man says, if there’s grass on the wicket…

And next Saturday is also McHappy Day! It’s great publicity for those celebs that are really McDesperate…

And next Saturday is McHappy Day – Ronald just loves Schoolies week… / Ronald just loves it when the Schoolies all come to sit on his knee and eat his quarter-pounder…

Next Saturday sees a “Friendly” between the Socceroos & Nigeria – not the game itself, the “friendly” is when they get together and go clubbing on ecstasy afterwards.

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