Blighty Snags World’s Top Food Title (The Glass House 18/5/05)

Raw material from the gag workshop of Holt & Blackwell for The Glass House about the article
BLIGHTY SNAGS WORLD’S TOP FOOD TITLE

They offer bacon and egg icecream, snail porridge, and oyster and passionfruit jelly. You wouldn’t believe the chef’s self-taught…

One problem ‘The Fat Duck’ has had is that no-one knows what are entrees, mains or deserts. The menu has just got one category – Weird Shit.

That’s what you get with a blind chef…

“We’re thinking of adding a few ‘weird’ dishes soon…”

They’ve been thinking of adding some new dishes soon. Says the chef, “I’ve heard about something called the ‘boiled egg’. I’d like to give it a try.”

You should try their snail porridge. It tastes even better than it sounds.

Snail porridge: Like “slug lettuce”, “rat cheese” and “weevil cornflakes”, the dish pretty much prepares itself…

Sardine on toast sorbet is a particular treat. Those crunchy bits are the eyes.

But, and this is true, just days after ‘The Fat Duck’ was named the best restaurant in the world, it was reported that a year ago food and safety inspectors had found toxic levels of staphylococcus and coliform. Fortunately they’ve managed to solve the problem by simply adding them to the menu. You should try their staphylococcus sorbet – it’s to die for! Or at least vomit over.

For entertainment, patrons can play snooker-darts, listen to a tune on the juke-bison, or just sit back and strudel-fish.

While ‘The Fat Duck’ was voted “Restaurant of the Year” amongst food critics, surrealists voted it “Restaurant of the Lampshade-Fish”…

To cash in, McDonalds is bringing out its McMollusc Oatburger, the Fillet’O’Cat and the delicious Tamborine Thickshake…

Aussie restaurant “The Dinky-Di Pie Bloke” just missed out on the Top 50; judges were impressed with dishes like “Meat Pie and Sauce”, “Chiko Roll and Sauce”, and the exotic “Dimmie and Soy”…

You should see the Drinks Menu. As well as a traditional Beer Milkshake, you can try a Shiraz Latte, a Gravox Smoothie, or even a Vanilla Coke!

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