Sniffer dogs kick cocaine for talc (The Glass House 25/5/05)

Raw gaggage from Holt & Blackwell for The Glass House about the sniffer dogs that have been trained to track down talcum terrorists…
Sniffer dogs kick cocaine for talc

Police are keeping their eyes peeled for any members of the force with very tingly armpits.

Victorian Police have arrested more than sixty people at raves with sniffer dogs this year. That’ll teach those ravers to have good personal hygiene.

Recent arrests have included three babies with nappy rash and the entire perfume counter at David Jones – a bust that recovered several kilos of the high-quality Scandinavian shit.

It’s the dogs I feel sorry for. I mean, for someone used to smelling other dogs’ arses, the constant scent of baby powder must be horrific.

Now hooked on talc, the dogs have also become unusually attracted to gelling up their fur, wearing collars in fuchia and lavender, and licking their own testicles only if they’ve been waxed.

The Chief Commissioner said, “Well, at least now my nose is baby-soft.”

There have been other drug-swaps too. It turns out that Schappelle Corby was just going to make a whole lotta pesto.

In March, police used sniffer dogs to arrest 46 ravers – now turns out they were just having a toiletries party. (OR: it was just a meeting of the local mothers’ club. OR: it was the inaugural Talcum Ball.)

Having coke instead of talcum powder has several advantages: you’ve got a nice big mirror to snort it off, you get hours of value out of the sparkling three-stripe toothpaste, and it’s easy to flush the stash when the pigs rock up.

There have been other results of this baby powder/cocaine swap: several babysitters have been shocked to see their kiddies wearing chunky gold chains, buying oversized cadillacs, and sharing their Jacuzzis with Robert Downey Jnr.

The cocaine/baby powder swap is thought to have been masterminded by a shadowy Mafia figure known only as “Big Ted”.

Now when babies watch Hi-5, they’re high too!

Now babies can get high without the high chair…

Cocaine is now coming in aerosol and roll-on forms. Ah, cocaine – the freshness of Columbia.

They won’t sniff an arse unless it’s been thoroughly powdered first… (Scooby Doo) “Rexcuse me rhile I powder ry arse…”

Police still haven’t found the coke, but it’s pretty easy: the dogs buried it in the backyard…

(sung) She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie… Talcum Powder.

Now Old Yella is obsessed with Old Spice…

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