Good News Week

Horror Tourists (GNW 9/11/09: monologue)

A Queensland researcher has suggested potential tourists to Australia may be being put off by recent local horror movies like “Wolf Creek”, “Dying Breed” and “The Hey Hey Reunion”.

Aussie horror films frequently count among their victims foreigners, backpackers, or outsiders. It’s about time these tourists got the message.

At last – the perfect way to deter boatpeople!

And the few people who DO come here for the thrill of gore may not be the kind of visitors we really want.

However, apparently the movie “Wolf Creek” has attracted many people to our shores. In particular, bloodthirsty psychopaths.

It turns out half of the boatpeople coming to our shores are actually just big fans of “Razorback”.

Horror films scare the more squeamish tourists away, while films like “Strictly Ballroom” and “Priscilla” scare EVERYONE away.

Australia has recently seen a spate of horror movies, since even in a financial crisis, we’ve got no shortage of tomato sauce.

Dr Mark David Ryan’s doctoral thesis said Aussie horror movies dissuade some tourists, and yet attract others. He concluded that three years of his life had been completely wasted.

The success of “Wolf Creek” has led to a huge surge in popularity for the Wolfe Creek National Park, despite the fact it is spelt W-O-L-F-E. They’re not expecting to find Mick Taylor, but figure there might be a psycho called Mike Tay-lore.

The success of “Wolf Creek” has led to a huge surge in popularity for the actual Wolfe Creek, as well as slightly more interest in Puppy Pond, the Doggy Dam, and the reservoirs at Woofwoof. / and the public pool at Barksville.

But tourists to Wolfe Creek National Park are bound to wind up disappointed when they escape with their spines.

But some tourists just love taking the Horror Movie Tour, where they visit Wolf Creek, see some giant crocs and feral pigs, and finish with a brain-chilling screening of “Crocodile Dundee 3” – from which there’s no escape! / and finish by having their spines ripped out.

Aussie horror films may be successful, but they’re damaging our tourist trade, dammit! And that means less “volunteers” for my “experiments”…

But we could be using this fear of Australia as advertising for tourism! Our new slogan: “Australia – can you handle it?” / “Australia – we DARE you.” / “Are you MAN ENOUGH to handle a week in Australia? We betcha can’t even survive the AIRPORT.”

But if you believe Australia really is what its movies claim it is, it’d be a land filled with vicious killers, giant crocs, enormous rogue pigs, deadly zombies, and thousands of Bill Hunters. / of Bryan Browns.

But by far the greatest damage done to our tourism industry was caused by that terrifying movie “Australia”. (What a piece of shit!)

Dr Mark David Ryan’s doctoral thesis said Aussie horror movies dissuade some tourists, and yet attract others. Still, good enough for a Ph.D. in Timewasting. / He concluded he needed to do a post-doc in watching more horror films.

Having done a doctorate on the Australian horror movie industry, Dr Ryan’s hoping to someone wants to pay him to watch rom-coms next. / hoping to be the best qualified staffer at Blockbuster.

Dr Mark David Ryan completed his thesis on Australian horror movies at the University of Video-Ezy. / Blockbuster.

Having finally finished his research into horror movies and tourism, he’s now going to analyse the effects of romantic comedies on urban infrastructure, the influence of Broadway musicals on Guatemalan coalmining, and the correlations that be be made between ‘Home and Away’ and amateur taxidermy.

Still, at least we’re not known for our rom-coms. Who needs that kind of sappy tourist?

Um… so do we have a problem with too many people wanting to come here, or not enough? MAKE UP YOUR MINDS!

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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