Good News Week

Drunk Hedgehog (GNW 16/11/09: Strange But True)

A hedgehog has been found rolling around in an orchard, squealing loudly, after getting drunk on fermented apples.  Looks like he went the whole hog.

If you’ve ever been drunk and covered in spines, you’ll know what the problem is.

A team of animal rescuers saved the hedgehog, despite its drunken pleas. / drunken pleas to be left right where it was.

It was so pissed it couldn’t walk.  It would just curl up and ROLL to the next fermented apple.

But it might not have meant to eat all those fermented apples.  It might have been spiked.

He was squealing loudly, particularly as every time he fell over he pierced himself.

He ended up with a hell of a headache.  As you do when your head is full of spikes. / And the acupuncture did nothing.

Despite being dosed with painkillers, the hedgehog still had a prick of a hangover.

He was totally porcu-blind.

Ah, fermented apples.  The alcopop of the animal kingdom.

As Led Zeppelin said, “If there’s a bustle in your hedgehog, don’t be alarmed now, it’s just had one too many fermented apples”.

They knew the hedgehog was drunk when instead of eating worms, it was found hugging them, slurring “I love youse guys, I really do”.

They knew the hedgehog was drunk when it played ‘Khe Sanh’ nine times in a row.

He ended up with a hell of a hangover.  It felt like his head was full of spikes.

He’d had a big night.  He’d been badgering these moles all night just to get a bit of beaver, and when they stoat-ally ignored him, he decided to get otter-ly rat-arsed.

The next day, his mouth felt like he’d been eating bugs all night.   Which, being mostly insectivorous, he had.

He was drunk as a skunk.  (Even though he was a hedgehog!)

It was the hedgehog’s fault.  The apples weren’t even alcoholic until it spiked them.

That’s the problem with being a hedgehog.  Almost everything you eat has a chance of being spiked.

He was squealing loudly, which is hedgehog for “More beer, more beer…”

She’d just had a yummy meal of arachnids, and couldn’t resist having spider cider inside ‘er. / having some cider beside the spiders inside ‘er.

Hedgehogs may be omnivores, but it was the first time it had ever craved a kebab.

The hedgehog was so pissed, it spent an hour trying to chat up a scrubbing brush.

And if you want to see the footage, just log on to   I know I did.

The hedgehog was nicknamed ‘Tipsy’.  Because it’s a lot cuter than ‘Rat-arsed’. / ‘Chucksy’.

When a drunken hedgehog vomits, it’s chucking up semi-digested worms and spiders.  Which is just as pleasant as it sounds.

Watching the drunken hedgehog rolling around laughing made two nearby foxes wish, for one moment, they were herbivorous.

It’s not just hedgehogs that love a good pissup.  Snakes also get legless, moles get blind, and rats get rat-arsed.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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