Good News Week

No Fuglies (GNW 16/11/09: Survey Says)

A dating website is rejecting almost 80% of applicants because they aren’t deemed attractive enough.  At last, a dating site that is superficial on your behalf!

The site’s been called “superficial” by critics, who are undoubtedly ugly. / especially those who’ve been rejected.

So there you go.  Even beautiful people are turning into nerds.

The site has 180,000 members, which shows that there are a lot of absolutely gorgeous people out there who can’t get laid.

You either get voted in or out of the site based on your appearance.  Who knew Big Brother could get more vacuous?

It’s the perfect place if you’re hot on the outside, and hideous on the inside. / It the perfect place for people who are really hot on the outside, and on the inside are crippled and repulsive.

Beauty is no longer just skin-deep, it’s actually two-dimensional.

You may as well make dating websites superficial.  Computer screens can’t deal with people in more than two dimensions.

It’s a tough site to get into.  Only 20 percent of applicants to the site are considered beautiful enough to get through.  And of that 20 percent, only 10 percent are able to use a computer without freaking out about ‘all the plastic squares with squiggles on them’ that they’re required to type with. / only 10 percent are able to use the internet without shouting into the monitor.

The site hopes to create a “worldwide community of beauty”.  And when everyone beautiful is signed up, they’ll issue members with the gasmasks and unleash their fugly-killing virus.

Of course, if you’re beautiful on the outside and the inside, you would’ve been snapped up by now.  So really, the site is a haven for good-looking psychopaths. / emotional cripples that are easy on the eye.

After all, who wants to waste time and money on the internet only to discover your potential date is a total fugly?  It’s much better to go out with someone who you know is good-looking, and discover they’re hideous on the inside later on. / and really work at uncovering their fugly side.

It’s called “”, but really it should be called “judgmentalheterosexualswhocan’”.

In order to be admitted to the site, it’s best to pick your absolutely best head shot with a soft-lens, airbrush it, photoshop it, and then upload a picture of Johnny Depp. / Angelina Jolie.

Unfortunately the site becomes harder and harder to join, as the beautiful members don’t want anyone uglier than them joining up.  Eventually they’ll knock back everyone who isn’t Kate Moss. / Orlando Bloom. / Keira Knightley.

Of course, once beautiful people are only interacting with each other, their standards become so much harsher.  Soon the only people who will get through the filtering process will be actual shop dummies.  (Who, admittedly, are less plastic than many of the human members.)

The beauty regime will become ever more harsh, until the only people voted on will be actual clones of existing members.  (And they’ll proceed to vote everyone else off the site.)

Once you’re in, however, you can become as bloody ugly as you like. / you can totally let yourself go.

Luckily, it’s on the internet, and you can just make all your non-visual attributes up.

It’s one of the few internet sites where it really doesn’t matter if you lie about every single aspect of your true identity.  Because, at, if you look good, they really don’t care. / don’t give a shit.

But be careful – if there’s 180,000 people out there who are that good-looking and still single, there’s gotta be something pretty bloody ugly about their personalities. / they’ve gotta be pretty ugly in the head. / there’s no doubt that they’ve got ugly, ugly minds.

It’s a great way of assuring that everyone you date will be as shallow and superficial as you.

New applicants to the site are put through a 48-hour screening process where the beauty of their profile and picture are voted on by site members of the opposite sex.  80 percent of applicants are rejected, since beautiful people enjoy nothing more than calling other people ugly.

For the 48 hours your profile is being assessed, you are able to use the full features of the website.  That’s right, for two glorious days anyone can pretend to be gorgeous and vacuous.

But it’s not fair to call the website “superficial”; it’s the members. filters applicants so that gorgeous guys and girls can meet each other without corrupting their eyes with fugly flesh-people. / fugly repugs.

There are also some dating websites set up to cater for real uglies.  They’re called… all the other dating websites. / They’re called… normal dating websites.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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