Good News Week

Cash-strapped terror (GNW 16/11/09: monologue)

The US claims that al-Qaida is facing a financial crisis.  Aren’t we all. / If only we weren’t facing one at the same time. / Which is lucky, otherwise with the West’s financial crisis we wouldn’t stand a chance.

The US claims that al-Qaida is facing a financial crisis.  So now they’re ALL living in caves.

The US claims that al-Qaida is facing a financial crisis.  And there’s nothing that alleviates violent crime like being strapped for cash.

So they’ve got no money.  Looks like they’re going to have to start blowing things up for cash.

If they’re strapped for cash, they could always run a business on the side – you know, demolitions, beard extensions, pork avoidance, infidel-culling, you name it!

But of course they’ve got no money – NOBODY has.  That’s why it’s called a Global Financial Crisis.

I knew it!  The Global Financial Crisis was all just a ploy to win the War on Terror!

All their most committed fundraisers keep blowing up.

But they don’t need money.  They’ve got insanity! / Allah!

If al-Qaida don’t raise some money soon, they may even have to turn to crime.

To help raise some money, al-Qaida will be holding a fete this Sunday. Come along for the all the fun – there’s an unlucky dip, a white infidel stall and Pin the Bomb on the Accursed. / Pin the Plane on the Towers. / that game where you push ping-pong balls into the mouths of hostages.

Now instead of utilising suicide bombers, they just write nasty letters.

They’re so poor that instead of using suicide bombers, they have to use fireworks – but they make sure they hold it right up to their faces when it goes off. / and there’s nothing scarier than a jihadi holding a catherine wheel.

They can’t afford suicide bombers any more.  Now they just have a bunch of guys who punch themselves in the face. / who run up to you and go “BANG!”

After all, they may be terrorists, but they’d never rob a bank. / See, arrogance has worked against al-Qaida.  They’re too good to rob banks, eh?

To raise money, they’re organising a series of lamington stalls. Although instead of lamingtons, they’re selling 72 heavenly virgins, and instead of a stall, they’re using strap-on explosives.  But it’s the same thing in principle.

The al Qaida boses will be organising a few second-hand book sales, while the criminal amputees will be selling off a few of their old second hands.

This is why we haven’t seen any follow-ups to September 11.  They can’t afford the flying lessons. / Have you seen the price of aircraft fuel?

The US and its allies think they’ve choked funds to terror groups by freezing their assets.  But, see, they don’t know about the Secret Bank of Remote Waziristan.  It’s got ATMs nowhere.

Obviously it’s more expensive than I realised to improvise an explosive device.

They’d hit the streets to raise funds, but rattling a tin tends to set something off.

The only trouble with regular fund-raising is that folks rattling anything labelled “al-Qaida” tend to send people fleeing.

Now the world is going to see something even more scary than suicide bombers – jihadi buskers. / street-mimes.

They’ve got no money at all.  These guys really need a hit single.

Blowing shit up just doesn’t pay like it used to.

In a time of financial stress like this, funding international terrorism becomes one of those “non-essentials”.

Al-Qaida have been caught short by the global financial crisis.  They just weren’t prepared for the collapse of capitalism. / One thing they weren’t prepared for was the collapse of capitalism.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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