GNW Award Nominations: Sauce Bottle for Sport

Matthew Johns, the Cronulla Sharks, Paul Vautin & the NRL Footy Show, for services to team bonding;

Of course Johns has borne the brunt for the group sex scandal, but you know what they say, it takes eight to gangbang.  Or nine, I mean, who was counting?

And there’s no bond stronger than a whole bunch of rugby leaguers mixing sperm.

Johns has said he won’t dob in anyone else involved.  That would be unethical. / unAustralian.

I guess it makes a nice change from rooting each other up the arse.

It’s to be expected.  Because these ugly meatheads aren’t ever going to attract a woman any other way.

But abusing women makes them feel better about all those feelings they have when they see their team-mates naked in the locker room.

They just really like the feeling of several other men’s semen gliding over their cocks.

Because, deep down inside, the N.R.L are a bit G.A.Y.

They hate having sex on their own.  They need someone to tell them when to pivot.

What do you expect from a game where one of your team-mates is the hooker? / from a game where you can be the hooker to all all your team-mates? / from a game that has a position called a ‘hooker’?

That’s what happens when your forwards are loose!

Now if only we could get Sam Newman involved in a gangbang we could clean up the other Footy Show too!

****

Athletics South Africa, who knew their female 800 metre runner Caster Semenya had male sex organs, but denied, lied & tried to cover it up, proving their balls were actually smaller than hers;

Though luckily for Caster, she’s red-hot favourite for the 800m miscellaneous. / 800m transsexual. / 800m other.

Even her name was a clue – Caster Semenya, you’ve got semen inya.

But Athletics South Africa learnt their lesson, and removed the shaved cheetah they had entered for the 100 metres.

And it turns out she had a massive cock – her coach. / he was the President of Athletics South Africa.

She was born in Limpopo.  But she didn’t realise she actually had a limp popo.

Looks like she’s not the only body to suffer a massive balls-up.

Her balls are trapped in the body of a woman trapped in an official body trapped in a massive balls-up themselves.

****

The competitors in the Belgian Bodybuilding Championships, who were surprised by doping officials, grabbed their gear & ran away;

Although I should say, by gear, we don’t mean drugs, we mean their posing pouches and tiny little testicles.

Followed quickly by their dealers.

Those poor bodybuilders – unless they get some prizemoney soon they won’t be able to afford their drugs.

Unfortunately most of the bodybuilders are so dependent, if you take their drugs away they’ll just deflate.

They’d all just remembered that it was time for Sex and the City.

It’s not because they were guilty, of course – they just don’t like surprises.

It’s not an indication of guilt.  It’s an indication of DRUGS.

****

And Serena Williams, for disputing a foot fault on match point with the immortal words, “I swear to God I’m fucking going to take this fucking ball & shove it down your fucking throat & kill you.”

It was a display that broke a long-standing record by John McEnroe.

She has been serener. / had serener moments.

Nice girl.

And you should see how she treats her sister.

Though I’d like to thank her for providing me with an excuse to say “fuck” three times on the telly.  No, four… fuck.  Five.

It was as if “Underbelly” could play tennis!

I believe that’s Oscar Wilde. / That’s better than Shakespeare, that is.

But why won’t she tell us what she’s REALLY thinking?

Not so great at slapping a ball, but amazing at hurling abuse.

Sure, she’s great at tennis, but she’s just incredible at throatball. / but you should see her play throatball.

Of course, if she DID that, it’d be out for sure.

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