Good News Week

Hoyono? You know. (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

Australia’s relationship with Indonesia seems to be doomed, after Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono gives our PM not so much a wet fish handshake as an oceanic wiping.

That’s what happens when one person wants to shake hands, and one wants to tickle palms.

Not only was their handshake limp, but the lovemaking was really half-hearted. / was quite substandard. / was clearly only out of sympathy.

And now he’s postponed his tour of Australia until February!  But Rudd insists there’s no tension between them, and that it’s all part of the natural ups and downs of a normal relationship between two consenting refugee-hating elitist emotionally-retarded adults.

And now he’s postponed his tour of Australia until February!  But Rudd insists that, while there might be tensions between the two men, it’s worth it for the make-up sex.

And now his tour of Australia has been postponed until February.  Well, it takes time to do all the processing. / Which is good – wouldn’t want him to jump the queue.

Yudhoyono’s postponed his Australian visit until February.  He figures by then that most of the asylum seekers will either have resettled.  Or died.

The Liberals are disappointed that Yudhoyono has cancelled his visit.  They were going to ask him to take over as leader.

As Yudhoyono keeps telling Rudd – Indonesians are just as racist as us.  / Indonesians don’t want the darkies any more than we do.

Rudd said that if Indonesia took all the asylum seekers that he’d be happy to say sorry to them at some later point.

Rudd treats the refugee problem the same way he treats all his problems – he apologises, and then sits on his smug arse. (“Sorry, can’t come here buddy.”)

Mr Rudd insisted that his “dealings with President Yudhoyono…are in first class working order right across the spread of the bilateral relationship”.  I think he’s in love. / I think that means he’s got to first base?  / Um… not sure what that means.

Yudhoyono’s spokesman said that the postponement of the Indonesian leader’s Australian visit was due to domestic reasons.  He’s having a domestic with Kevin.

But we should be happy they’re coming by boat.  After all, if any of them ARE terrorists, the last thing we want them coming in on is planes. / it’s so much harder to crash a boat into our major skyscrapers.

The asylum seeker issue seems to be the only thing where the Liberals have made gains against Labor.  In fact Wilson Tuckey’s considering a trip to Sri Lanka to push a few more onto boats.

But of course, they’re probably all terrorists, aren’t they.  Because if you really want to blow up things in a foreign country, the best way is to get yourself crammed into a boat that may very well sink, with no weapons or bombs, and no real likelihood that you will ever make it to your destination.   That’ll teach those infidels!

Rudd denied that he had anything to do with the deal about the Oceanic Viking refugees getting fast-tracked resettlement, although members of his staff were on the committee that drew up the deal.  When it comes to drawing up delicate deals about the most explosive political issue of the day, he prefers to delegate.

Rudd denied that he had anything to do with the deal about the Oceanic Viking refugees getting fast-tracked resettlement.  In fact, he tries not to have anything to do with ANY of his government’s political decision-making.  (Why do you think he calls so many summits?)

Rudd likes to leave the most important decisions about the most important political issues of the day to his staffers.  He trusts that they’re terrified enough to make the right decisions.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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