Sex amnesia (GNW 23/11/09: Strange But True)

December 4th, 2009

An American woman suddenly developed amnesia while having sex with her husband.  The woman, known only as Alice, hopes one day to remember her surname.

Neurologists say sex-triggered amnesia is quite common, and usually develops after an orgasm.  Ladies – be careful what you wish for.

She was taken to the hospital by her husband.  At least, the man CLAIMS to be her husband.

Transient Global Amnesia is caused by pressure in the blood vessels of the brain, and is often caused by sex, bowel movements, or that ninth bucket-bong.

Apparently, TGA is actually experienced by nearly all of us.  We just don’t remember having it.

It’s like how a power surge can wipe your computer’s hard drives.  Although she’s a lot more fun to reformat.

The sex was so great, she’ll never remember it.

Her husband is really pleased that she’s okay, although he’s a bit disappointed that the best lovin’ he’s given her in years has been totally wiped from her memory.

Her hubbie’s a bit disappointed.  After all, she remembers all the BAD sex they have.

Then again, she’s nearly sixty, and her husband’s even older.  Them having sex is probably an image worth forgetting. / I wish I could forget they’d been having sex.

She just didn’t remember inviting in the whole rugby team.  But they assure her, she did.

She also lost the ability to form new memories.  So she didn’t even know she had amnesia.

Apparently sex is a common trigger for amnesia.  Funny, I don’t remember that… / I’ve never heard that before – at least, I don’t remember it…

Transient Global Amnesia can be caused by any strenuous activity.  So it’s advised not to do any heavy lifting with your frontal lobes. / So no more moving house with your brain.

Transient Global Amnesia is caused by pressure in the blood vessels of the brain, and is often caused by strenuous sex, or bowel movements.  And there’s nothing worse than waking up in the wet spot, covered in your own faeces, with no memories of what you’ve been up to.  Or so I’ve been told.  Ahem.

Still, if you’re going to lose your memory, it’s better to lose it from a hot session of rumpy pumpy than from laying a massive cable.

So now you know – the real sign that you’re wild in the sack is when your partner turns to you afterwards and says “who the hell are you?”

She is now fully recovered and can remember everything apart from the act of intercourse that triggered the attack.  She can remember everything else: the rohypnol, the chloroform…

The orgasm triggered a memory loss that wiped out years of memory.  All the way back to her last orgasm.

They initially thought she’d had a stroke, but it turned out it was full penetration.

Either she lost her memory, or decided to feign amnesia to avoid having to tell her husband how shit he was.

So next time someone doesn’t rave about my lovemaking, I’ll know it’s an amnesia attack.

After having sex last August, 59-year-old Alice lost all memory of the last several years.  She thought Bill Clinton was still President.  But then who hasn’t wanted to wipe Dubya’s Presidency from their memory? / Imagine that – sex so good that it could completely eliminate the memory of Dubya. / So not only did it wipe out all traces of Dubya, but it was FANTASTIC SEX!

She thought Bill Clinton was still President!  Weird that sex could make you forget about Bush.

Papal Aliens (GNW 23/11/09: Strange But True)

December 4th, 2009

The Vatican is holding its first ever conference on alien life.  Apart from all the ones about the freaky floaty aliens from planet Heaven.

Of course, alien life would make many of the stories in the bible finally make sense.  All those ‘angels’ and ‘heavenly spirits’ – they’re aliens.  And all those smitings – PEOW PEOW!

Now we know how Jesus walked on water.  Alien hovershoes!

Finally, we can make more sense out of the old parable of John and the Tribbles. / and the Klingons.

It makes a lot more sense out of the story of Jesus and the Dalek on the Mount.

Well, at least we know how Jesus rose up to heaven.  Tractor beam. / Simple teleport.

“Beam me up, Goddie!”

And now we know how Jesus did that loaves and fishes trick – he just had them stashed in his Tardis.

Embarrassing, really, that the one true religion might actually be Scientology.

The Pope had better hope we don’t find aliens.  How would we tell them apart?

The Pope said he was convinced there weren’t aliens.  At least they’d never seen any on his home planet.

But the Church say if they’re going to believe in aliens, they want undeniable proof! / But the Vatican says it’s ridiculous to believe in aliens when there’s just no proof!

The discovery of alien life would have profound implications for the Catholic Church.  It would challenge the idea that God made man in his own image.  On the other hand, it would lend weight to the idea of an all-powerful skyman.

The discovery of alien life would have profound implications for the Catholic Church.  We thought God had his hands full with the six billion of us.

The discovery of alien life would have profound implications for the Catholic Church.  What’s use is praying if God’s currently taking care of the Nurblerds from Orion Beta-6?

Catholic leaders say alien life can be aligned with the Bible.  That’s the good thing about that book, you can make it mean whatever you want.

The Pope’s secretly hoping to find alien life.  It might explain why he looks like that.

The Pope hopes he does find other planets containing alien life.  Then he’ll finally get to use his Death Star.

The Church are hoping they find some sort of interstellar beings up there.  Maybe they can tell us which planet Heaven is.

The Church is welcoming thirty scientific experts to the conference, hoping they’ll be more open to religion if they find an alien Jesus.

The real problem for the church is if they find aliens that can walk on water and raise the dead.  Jesus would just look like a hack.

They could end up discovering that what they thought was God was just an alien in a false beard.

And once the Church have determined whether aliens are real, they’ll have similar investigations into leprechauns, munchkins and divine beings. / and God.

The Vatican are holding a conference to study the possibility of alien life.  And if so, how we might be able to send missionaries.

Aliens are a totally new realm for the Church to delve into.  After all, one day we may actually learn whether aliens exist.

A conference on whether or not aliens exist – for the Vatican, that rates as pretty practical.

The discovery of alien life would have profound implications for the Catholic Church.  Finally, the Pope would be able to take off his Earthling-suit. / could show his true form.

The discovery of alien life would have profound implications for the Catholic Church.  They’d have to send missionaries off into space. / All those extraterrestrials, ripe for the evangelising… / All those extraterrestrials yet to hear the Word of God!

Of course, it makes more of a difference to Catholics than Hindus.  Their gods are already a bunch of alien-looking freaks.

They’re actually hoping that the exploration of space actually gives them concrete evidence for the existence of God.  Because there’s bugger all here on Earth.

GNW Award Nominations: Sauce Bottle for Religion

December 4th, 2009

Pope Benedict the 16th & his pals at the Vatican, for posing this question on International Women’s Day: “In the 20th century, what contributed most to the emancipation of western women?”  And their answer?  The washing machine.

After all, even emancipated women need nice clean undies.

After all, if you’re going to burn your bra in public, you want it to be nice and clean.

It may have helped emancipate women, but it’s bad for race relations – all that separating the whites from the coloureds…

Why, if they get their robes white enough he may even consider admitting them to the clergy!  Nah, only joking, girls.

Now go and be free and wash my clothes.

The washing machine is liberating to women like the U.S. is liberating to dead Iraqi children. / to the Iraqi people.

It’s certainly emancipated nuns to do a lot more of the Pope’s bidding.

How can he not see – the washing machine is the tool of the devil!  Removing God’s spots and blemishes!  AND emancipating women!

Well, maybe not emancipating women exactly.  But it has made them whiter-than-white!

Ah, the Pope – no longer a Nazi, but he still likes everyone whiter-than-white.

Ah, the Pope. He may have renounced his Nazi Youth, but he still gets nostalgic for the ’40s.

But, of course, if there’d been washing machines in Christ’s day, the Shroud of Turin would’ve come out whiter than white and enzyme-fresh!

Because, after all, there’s nothing the church likes better than a whitewash.

And it’s perfect for feminists who want to get the burn marks out of their bra!

The big, brave “Church” of Scientology, who seemed to think being teased & laughed at by normal, intelligent people actually qualified as “religious vilification”.

Not only that, it’s racist too!  Bloody Earthlings.

But really – is a belief that we’re inhabited by ancient intangible spirit-creatures from space actually any weirder than Scientology?

Scientologists believe religious vilification should be punishable by prison, if not banishment to the Phantom Zone.

It’s almost as bad as when the aliens do it.

But if you don’t want to be laughed at, you don’t use silly made-up words like “Scientology”.

But if you don’t want to be laughed at, you don’t follow a religion full of aliens, invented by a science-fiction writer.

They want to imprison anyone who makes jokes about the alien theology that the church itself refuses to acknowledge.  That’s not religious vilification – it’s spreading the good word!

Apparently the alien curses just haven’t been working well enough.

The Church of Scientology, who tried to make religious vilification – especially laughing about their alien theology – a jailable offence.  And I for one am happy for them to imprison all of my body thetans.

Catch The Fire Ministries leader Danny Nalliah, for blaming the Victorian bushfires on the state’s abortion laws, & claiming that Parliament House in Canberra is being cursed by baby-sacrificing witches.

If only they’d got to him in time. / If only they’d sacrificed HIM.

The real tragedy is, if there’s baby-sacrificing witches, they let Danny Nalliah LIVE.

But it makes sense – that’s how Kevin Rudd turned into a newt.

But of course the bushfires were because of the abortion laws.  God hates nothing more than the destruction of innocent life.  (Unless he’s doing it.)

The cause of Pastor Nalliah is still under investigation.  (But someone must have pissed God off that day.)

Doesn’t he realise?  Sacrificing Canberran babies may be the only way to stop politicians breeding!

Of course, we have proof that there are no witches in Canberra: Danny Nalliah hasn’t been turned into a toad. / is still alive.

Canberra Witches! They’re like regular witches, but cold, grey and boring! / but way more bureaucratic. / but only cast spells a few months a year.

Nalliah says the only way to end the blood sacrifice will be to have all the witches brutally slaughtered.

Nalliah says that the witches are cursing Parliament, impacting on decisions which should be being made in secretive back-room deals.

And the Islamic extremist magazine, “Jihad Recollections”, which contains, amongst other things, fitness tips for terrorists.

But really, it makes more sense than offering gardening tips. / fashion tips.

Because you want to be totally ripped when you get totally ripped to shreds.

Because after all, nothing’s more unpleasant than a suicide bomber covering the place with hot lard.

Because obese suicide bombers actually reduce the impact of their explosions by cushioning everyone in soft warm lard.

Because, if you’re going to be blown to bits, you want to make sure all those bits look as good as possible.

Because you want to leave a good-looking pile of shredded meat.

Because Allah thinks tight firm abs are sooooo hot.

Because you want to look hot for your 72 virgins.

Because if you believe blowing yourself up is a holy cause, you might as well fully embrace being a meathead.

Because why should being a braindead meathead be restricted to western soldiers?

Normally the way they blast away their flab is literally.

But don’t get TOO fit.  You wouldn’t want to, you know, survive.

If you don’t want to leave your cave, get the DVD: Osamacise! / al-Qaedacise! / Suicidacise!

There are also diet tips emphasising eating dry crackers and dates, drinking water and blowing yourself into extremely thin shreds. / low-fat smithereens.

Build up those biceps and triceps to help them piece you back together with forceps.

The only problem with exercising while completely covered in robes and scarves is you have no idea if it’s doing any good.

Instead of sit-ups, they do blow-ups.

Jihadist gyms – they put the “abs” in “absolutism”.

Unfortunately recollections of jihad can only be made by those who were unsuccessful.

Poor Kyle (GNW 23/11/09: The Solid Gold Sauce Bottle)

December 4th, 2009

It’s about time everyone laid off Kyle.  Talk about a persecuted minority!  (There’s only one of him!)

How was he to know?  In his house, making light of underage rape is just a bit of innocent fun!

He really just had no idea other people would think he was being offensive.   I mean, who DOESN’T wile away the evenings laughing at rape and concentration camps?  It sure beats listening to the radio.

He’s just been unfairly targeted because of his incredibly ugly head.  I’m sure everyone laughs at Christian Bale’s concentration camp rape jokes.

But far worse than what Kyle’s harmless little quips about concentration camp weight-loss are the people who refuse to acknowledge him – the Sandilands-deniers.

The way you people attacked him over his concentration camp comments, you’d think he’d lit the ovens himself!  And he clearly hasn’t lost that much weight.

But why would anyone expect Kyle to understand the horror of concentration camps?  He doesn’t even have a concentration span. / He’s never had that sort of concentration.

But it’s not surprising he attacked Magda Szubanski’s weight loss.  He’s in serious danger of becoming Australia’s Fattest Celebrity.

Personally, I’m proud of Austereo for letting someone with so many special needs on the air.  It’s affirmative action!

But of course, it’s not really Kyle’s fault.  He’s just playing a character, like Borat or Ali G.  It’s just that he’s been playing that character since he was born, and can’t seem to turn it off.

He’s actually very sensitive to rape and concentration camps.  See, he’s being IRONIC.  And the reason we don’t get it is just because of our own stupidity!  It’s our fault, not his!

He’s actually an incredibly talented actor.  You’d have to be, to make such a staggeringly moronic and impossibly insensitive bigot believable.

The last thing we need is Kyle suspended from air, wandering the streets, forcing teenage girls to tell him all about their sexual experiences.

So go on, give him a break.  Without Kyle, Jackie O would look dumb.

It’s not that he’s not funny – it’s that Jews and rape-victims have no sense of humour.  Lighten up!

Kyle winning this award is the ultimate tribute to a bloke who was kicked out of his stepfather’s house at 15.  And now virtually all Australians can empathise, with his poor stepfather.

Of course, it’s not his fault.  He’s just so used to people abusing him for being a total arsetard, he actually thinks it’s just how you show affection.

Poor guy!  He was kicked out of home when he was only 15 – so it’s no wonder he still thinks like an adolescent.

Poor guy!  He was kicked out of home by his stepfather when he was only 15 – how was he meant to know his stepdad didn’t like concentration-camp rape jokes?

But Kyle needs another chance.  Until he manages to get the Holocaust and rape together in one sentence, we’ll know his best work is still to come.

But Kyle isn’t so stupid.  At least, not compared to his listeners.

So this award goes out to the most insensitive, boorish, bigoted moron in Australia – Kyle’s fan club president.

But his best work is yet to come.  He hasn’t even touched the disabled, Muslims, or dying children yet! / or cancer patients yet!

But we shouldn’t be so hard on him.  I mean, once upon a time, he would’ve been the kingdom’s most popular hangman.

He’s not really to blame.  I mean, it’s not like he actually raped the girl himself.  Although if that’s what his audience wanted, how could he say no?

But he’s what the audience wants!  He’s like a clown, a prankster, and a public hanging all in one!

It’s just good old-fashioned entertainment.  Like a lynching!

But really, it’s our fault.  We continue to let him live.

In Saudi Arabia, they don’t have Kyle Sandilands.  And that’s why they still have public stonings.

He just does what the public want him to do.  If only the public wanted him to FUCK RIGHT OFF.

It’s not his fault.  He just has a combination of tourette’s, autism spectrum disorder, and being an utter twat.

It’s just the power’s gone to his head.  Imagine what he’d be like if he actually had some sort of power that MATTERED!

It’s not like he ran the concentration camps himself!  He was born too late, and in the wrong country!

But if you can’t joke about concentration camps, what can you joke about?  Things that are actually funny?  How old fashioned!

He’s just upholding the grand old traditions of Aussie comedy!  He’s like Graham Kennedy, Daryl Somers, and a baby-killing dingo all rolled into one.

I mean c’mon!  Since when has it been a sin to tell fat people they deserve to die in the holocaust?  I mean, they DO!

But if you can’t joke about concentration camps, what can you joke about?  Kiddies with cancer?  I don’t think so.

It’s just the stress of being stuck in a small room with Jacki O, day after day after day, and not being able to pin her down and give her a Dirty Sanchez.

Kyle provides a much-needed service to the community, as a lightning rod for wowsers.  If we can get him to do a segment on dying kiddies on bicycles – in blackface – then everyone else might be able to avoid the heat.

In this year when the wowsers took over the media, Kyle has been their whipping boy.  So keep him on-air, before the entertainment vampires start looking for… other victims.

And I know they’re my employers, but Network Ten – it’s your fault!  First axing “Big Brother”, and then, when there’s a little lie detector slip-up, dumping him from “Idol” – it’s no wonder he wanted to send one of your remaining hosts to a concentration camp!  (I think he showed remarkable restraint in not calling for Mikey’s head on a pike!)

Australia needs a man like Kyle, who can address those subjects the rest of us dare not touch, regardless of “political correctness”, “humour content” or “thought processes”.

Kyle Sandilands is a martyr!  He’s the one man unafraid to say the things “polite society” doesn’t want to hear.  Maybe concentration camps are excellent for weight loss.  If these ideas can’t be spoken, human progress will stagnate!

But our Kyle’s not all bad.  I mean check out his hair!  Okay, fine, he’s all bad.

Who can take a broadcast?
Joke about the Jews?
Ask a young rape victim if she still remained loose?
The Sandilands… Kyle Sandilands can.
The Sandilands can
Coz he mixes it with bile and rates his arse off too.

Who can take a broadcast?
Joke about the Jews?
Polygraphs and social gaffes and getting on the news?
The Sandilands… Kyle Sandilands can.
The Sandilands can
Coz he mixes it with hate and rates his arse off too.

Good Next Two Months (GNW 23/11/09: closing)

December 4th, 2009

Tuesday, November 24

Robbie Williams will start his promotional tour.  Robbie who?  See, that’s why he needs a promotional tour.

Robbie Williams will start his promotional tour.  I loved him as Mork.  Nanu Nanu!

Robbie Williams will start his promotional tour.  If enough people still remember him, he’ll think about doing a tour containing, you know, some music.

In Canberra, the inquiry into keeping banks accountable will report.  Apparently the best way to do it is to let them do what they want, and when it all falls in a heap, raise taxes.

In Canberra, the inquiry into keeping banks accountable will report.  After they finish pissing themselves laughing.

*****

Wednesday, November 25

Wednesday is “Go Home On Time Day”, highlighting the health risks & economic downside to our long-hours work culture.  I don’t care if that patient is flat-lining – GO HOME.

Wednesday is “Go Home On Time Day”, if it doesn’t get delayed.

Wednesday’s “Go Home On Time Day” will ironically fall on a public holiday.

Wednesday’s “Go Home On Time Day” will be much more successful than last year’s “Harder, you Lazy Bastard Day”. / “Sacrifice your First-Born to Moloch Day”.

The Sports Performer Of The Year Award will go to Italian soccer player Fabio Grosso.  (Sure, it was years ago, but still an unbeatable performance.)

The Sports Performer Of The Year Award will be cancelled, when it turns out none of the sportspeople were performing at all.  They were doing it for real!

Perth will host the State Of Australian Cities conference, which will find that all Australian cities remain in the states they began in.

Wednesday marks 60 years since Australia’s first computer became operational, and 59 years 364 days since it received the very first offer to enlarge penises.

Wednesday marks 60 years since Australia’s first computer became operational, and 59 years 364 days 23 hours and 56 minutes since the first computer crash.

Wednesday marks 60 years since Australia’s first computer became operational, and also the first incomprehensible crash. / and the first ever exasperated cry of “I was just about to save that!”

Wednesday marks 60 years since Australia’s first computer became operational.  It was as big as a house, was powered by coal, and had viruses the size of your fist!

Wednesday marks 60 years since Australia’s first computer became operational!  Of course, back then, the only game you could play on it was ‘sort the punch cards’.  / was the very first ‘Grand Theft Auto’.

Wednesday marks 60 years since Australia’s first computer became operational!  Of course, back then, a game of Tetris took five days to complete, and each block was the size of a car.

Wednesday marks 60 years since Australia’s first computer became operational!  And it’s the same one the government still uses to calculate the budget.

Wednesday marks 60 years since Australia’s first computer became operational!  Of course, back then, you didn’t have gigabytes and megahertz – you had to do all your calculations in cubits.

Wednesday marks 60 years since Australia’s first computer became operational!  It had 4 bits and an operating system almost as bad as Windows Vista.

The Bureau of Statistics will release the “Causes Of Death In 2008” report on Wednesday.  Apparently, the biggest cause still seems to be the termination of biological functions.

*****

Thursday, November 26

Sydney will host the 2009 ARIA Awards, though not a single aria will be sung.  Ripped off.

On Thursday, Sydney will host the 2009 ARIA Awards.  Shame no-one writes arias any more.

Sydney will host the Walkley Awards.  Glenn Milne better win one this year, or there’ll be real trouble.

On Thursday, Melbourne will see the Productivity Commission hold a hearing into problem gambling.  Apparently, it really helps with a casino’s productivity.

In Melbourne, the Productivity Commission will hold a hearing into problem gambling.  Odds are it’s not good news, I bet.

On Thursday, in Melbourne, the Productivity Commission will hold a hearing into problem gambling.  Although to the commission, it’s known as ‘dedicated consumerism’.

In Canberra, the inquiry into the gay marriage bill will report on Thursday.  What a great job – no matter WHAT you report, you’re going to be pissing off about half of the entire population.

In Canberra, there’ll be a report from the inquiry into the Gay Marriage Bill.  Apparently he’s found a Gay Marriage Barry.  Good luck, lads!

In Brisbane, the interim report on alcohol-related violence is due on Thursday.  At this stage they’re pretty sure it’s mostly due to the fat wog.

On Thursday in Brisbane, the interim report on alcohol-related violence will get off to a bad start when they begin with a practical exercise. / start with a piss-up and a punch-on.

In Brisbane, the interim report on alcohol-related violence is due on Thursday, although it may be delayed due to a few unforeseen drunken brawls.

BHP Billiton will hold their general meeting, where shareholders will claim “It’s mine!”, entirely missing an indefinite article.

On Thursday, BHP Billiton’s general meeting will be disrupted by a group of white-faced silent minstrels who think it’s a miming company.

*****
Friday, November 27

The Western Australian Environment Awards will be presented.  They’re made out of recycled loo paper and dolphins. / made out of worms and recycled toilet paper.

On Friday, the Western Australian Environment Awards will be presented.  The winner – the numbat.

Western Australian Treasurer Troy Buswell will give the State Of the State address, after he uses it as a wankrag.

Western Australian Treasurer Troy Buswell will give the State Of the State address.  Watch your seats. / You may still be able to sniff out a seat.

The corruption trial of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi begins on Friday.  The judge is expected to rule in the first 5 minutes that not only is Berlusconi innocent, but his golf game is first-class. / but he’s a world-quality lover. / but he’s incredible in the sack too.

*****

Sunday, November 29

In Canberra, the inquiry into water licenses will report that the whole thing’s been a waste of time.  Apparently, water can’t even DRIVE!

*****

Monday, November 30

In Sydney, the Pride Of Australia Medal will be presented next Monday.  It will go to the best and fairest group of lions.

In Sydney, the Pride Of Australia Medal will be presented next Monday.  It’s a pink strap-on covered in glitter.

In Sydney, there’ll be a public forum on “Governing The Economy”.  Wayne Swan will deliver the opening address, titled “Alright, who wants a crack?”

*****

Tuesday, December 01

His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, will be in Sydney on Tuesday.  He’s got the accumulated knowledge of centuries of ancient wisdom.  We’ve got a BRIDGE.

On Tuesday, His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, will be in Sydney.  Just to buy some Harbour Bridge souvenirs and a gelati.

In Melbourne, there’ll be a forum on the future of airports.  Should be worth crashing.

In Melbourne, there’ll be a forum on the future of airports.  Apparently, in the future, they’ll still be airports.

On Tuesday, Ziggy Switkowski, Australia’s leading advocate of nuclear power, will be at the Sydney Institute.  Peddling death.

On December 1st, Ziggy Switkowski will be at the Sydney Institute, talking up nuclear power, and the powerful labour resource that is radioactive mutants.

******

Wednesday, December 02

Britney Spears will turn 27 – everyone mime Happy Birthday!

*****

Thursday, December 03

Melbourne will host a conference on “Growing Up In Australia”, so we can all reminisce about those days of Sunnyboys, footy cards, and conferences with a point.

Melbourne will host a conference on “Growing Up In Australia” next Thursday.  Apparently if you live here as a child, it all sort of just happens.

On Thursday, Melbourne will host a conference on “Growing Up In Australia”.  The conference will start off innocently enough, but soon enough will become peppered with lies and denials, before becoming an angry tirade of name-calling and blame, only to peter out into a more compromising and mature dialogue, albeit a lot more boring and conservative, before ending with nothing but reminiscings, long-winded anecdotes, and aimless ramblings without a point.

*****

Saturday, December 05

By-elections for Higgins & Bradfield, Costello & Nelson’s former seats.  The Liberals will doubtless win both, but it’s going to take many many years for the new MPs to fully win our hate.

*****

Monday, December 07

The one we’ve been waiting for: in Copenhagen, December 7, the U.N. summit on climate change will begin.  If everything goes well, on December 8 the world will all be better.

In Copenhagen, December 7th, the U.N. summit on climate change will begin.  Unfortunately, it will omit so many important factors that they’ll have to set up an omissions trading scheme.

In Copenhagen on December 7th, the U.N. summit on climate change will begin.  It’s unfortunate, really, that climate change is so much easier to achieve than behavioural change. / political change.

In Copenhagen, December 7th, the U.N. summit on climate change will begin.  It’s unfortunate, really, that we can create climate change without even knowing, and yet creating political change is like squeezing blood from a fucking STONE.

In Copenhagen, the U.N. summit on climate change will begin.  Expect lots of hot air, and after the bean dinner, plenty of talk of emissions.

It’ll be the 90th birthday of plastic.  One more decade and it’ll get a non-biodegradable hunk of synthetic polymers from the Queen.

December 7 marks the 90th birthday of plastic.  Happy Birthday, you non-biodegradable hunk of synthetic polymers you!

*****

So, Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, and for the atheists among us, have a Very Neutral Unremarkable Period of Time.

Eat Pets for Planet (GNW 16/11/09: monologue)

November 25th, 2009

The true eco-menace has been revealed – cats and dogs.  A pet dog has an eco-pawprint double that of the average Land Cruiser.  And you don’t have to pick up a Land Cruiser’s droppings.

Of course, this idea isn’t new.  You’d already know that dogs are toxic if you’ve ever smelt one fart.

But dogs are the ultimate recyclers – they eat their own shit. / But dogs will eat leftovers, rubbish, even their own shit – they’re the ultimate recyclers!

According to a new study, our pets are using an unjustifiable amount of energy.  Then again, I’m sure they say the same thing about us.

According to a new study, our pets are using an unjustifiable amount of energy.  Then again, they’re not the ones who insisted on the new plasma-screen, are they.

Even keeping a hamster produces an eco-footprint about half that of a plasma TV.  Though they are in very high-definition.

The authors of the new book “Time to Eat the Dog” suggest that environmentally-responsible people should take up vegetarian pets like chickens or rabbits.  That way at least you’re growing your dog food at home.

But our pets are innocent!  If we really want to be fair, there’s only one solution – our pets should be eating us. / Soylent Green Chum.  We’re so chumpy you can carve us!

The effects of climate change will create a dog-eat-dog world.  Unless we get to them first…

That’s right – eat your pets, before they boil us alive.

Those sneaky dogs… warming up the world until it is unfit for human habitation.  And then it will ALWAYS be walkies.

So it’s a pretty good deal really.  Run over the German shepherd with your new four-wheel drive and you still end up doing your bit for the environment!

Unfortunately, the report has resulted in a spree of Hummer-driving, plasma-screen-watching, puppy-spearing vigilantes.

As part of a solid commitment at Copenhagen, world leaders should each have to eat a German shepherd.  Maybe not a huge problem for Hu Jintao, but we all know Rudd’s attitude to red meat…

A vegetarian, edible pet is not just environmentally-responsible, but also provides you with a whole new realm of self-hatred when you devour it.

Climate change sceptics have taken the book to heart – see, it’s not “human-induced climate change” – it’s puppy-induced!

Of course, by that logic, we really should be eating our parents. / siblings. / children.

They recommend that, before we eat our pets, we should eat the USA.  Not only will that rid the world of some of the people actually responsible for much of the pollution and global warming, but they’re so large that one American can feed a family of four for the best part of a fortnight.  It’s win-win!

But as far as creatures go, the worst contributor to global warming is the cow, with all the land-clearing done for their benefit, and their constant methane expulsions.  We should be eating THEM instead – oh, we are.  Problem solved!

Not only should we eat our pets, but why not use their bones to make a nice armchair?  And their skin can always be used to make the cushions!  Waste not want not – that’s how we’re going to save the world!

Of course, if we hadn’t already destroyed pretty much every natural area of wilderness, we wouldn’t need to look after other animals – they’d have somewhere to live.

Of course, we wouldn’t have to have pets if they had some other place they could live – but we’ve already trashed it all. / but we’ve already trashed the natural world that they used to call ‘home’.

And when the dog and cat slaughter is complete, it’ll be a real shame if the climate change sceptics turn out to be right.

The first step will be straightforward.  Feed the cats to the dogs.  Then we can monitor how it’s impacted our greenhouse emissions.

But we don’t have to destroy our cats and dogs.  We just let set them loose and see who survives.

FBI for Kids! (GNW 16/11/09: monologue)

November 25th, 2009

The FBI have introduced a page on their website for kids!  Unfortunately it’s not a secure site.

I guess catching bin Laden was getting a bit hard.  But at least now they can colour him in!

You can learn about how the FBI works, how they take evidence, and all sorts of exciting things about clues, fingerprinting, and DNA.  So if you don’t decide to become a secret agent with the FBI, at least you’ll be able to become a super-criminal! / you’ll know how to remain undetectable. / know how to evade the authorities.

The FBI kids’ site contains games, although nothing nearly as fun as the al-Qaeda site’s flight simulator.  (“Look mummy, I got both towers!”)

There are heaps of games and activities which you’re obliged to do.

You can print out your own credentials, which are sufficient to allow you to search the homes of idiots.

You can print out your own credentials.  Fake ID has never been so child-friendly!

You can print out your own credentials, which are legal in 43 states! / which provide search powers in 43 states!

You can find out all about their fingerprint records.  They tell you how they now store most of their fingerprints digitally.  But they don’t tell you that they’re storing yours when you click the mouse.

There’s gun training.  Kids can help Special Agent Steve get a bullseye on his target by completing a maze.  I knew the FBI had access to advanced technology, but maze-solving bullets?  The crims don’t stand a chance!

There’s even a section on gun training.  Although it’s still only virtual – for the real thing, they’ll need to find a friendly criminal. / still have to ask their old man.

There’s a game where you can help intrepid agent Bobby Bureau try on all sorts of clever disguises, before his lunch break’s over and he has to return to his mundane desk job.

You can help an agent go undercover by disguising him with hair and false facial features.  You can then use him to provide you with intelligence on what everyone else has in their playlunch.

You can even learn how to go undercover.  The canteen will never know you were there. / Helps get out of yard duty. / Always handy when you’re called to the principal’s office.

You can help an agent go undercover by disguising him with hair and false facial features.  Or why not cross-dress J. Edgar Hoover?

You should check out their junior waterboard – it makes extracting evidence like a beach holiday!

And they get to play a virtual game, where little Ahkmed has a funny time on the waterboard!  Tell us the truth, silly Ahkmed!

The FBI are hoping to recruit kids into their ranks.  That way they can be not only undercover, but undertable.

It’s a great idea to encourage kiddies to become secret FBI agents.  What all parents want is a child who is constantly disappearing on adventures, disguising themselves as other children, and taking little Freddy into the cubby for “intense interrogation”.

Becaue what we really want to teach our kids is that sometimes, if you really want to, it’s okay to abduct people and subject them to hours of interrogation.

Here’s a quote from their section about interrogation.  “The examiner speaks in a professional and understanding way, trying to make the person being tested comfortable with telling the truth.”  Awwww.  Who would’ve guessed that making someone comfortable would involve so much punching? / so much electricity applied to the genitals? / so much cattle-prod sodomy?

It’s also got a section for parents and teachers.  Because sometimes when the naughty stool isn’t working, kids can do with a little extraordinary rendition.

They’re also launching a range of kids’ merchandise.  Look, it’s Torture-Me-Akhmad! / Guantana-me-Elmo! Just remove his head from the bag, and you can put him in the stress position, waterboard him, or collect the set to make your own naked pyramid!

You can pretend to be a secret agent, or even a superhero.  Watch out, it’s Guantanamo Boy!

Of course, the main reason kids check the website out is to give them an advantage in Cops n Robbers.

So kids, if your classmates won’t let you play Cops & Robbers, just bust the lot of them.

Being an FBI agent is just like playing Cops N Robbers, but instead of a stick you’ve got a real gun, and instead of a playground full of your friends, you’ve got a desk.  A lonely lonely desk.

Being an FBI agent is just like playing Cops N Robbers, but instead of a stick you’ve got a real gun, and instead of blowing away your friends in the playground, you’re blowing away kids wearing trenchcoats in the playground. / blowing away kids who are blowing away kids in the playground.

Cash-strapped terror (GNW 16/11/09: monologue)

November 25th, 2009

The US claims that al-Qaida is facing a financial crisis.  Aren’t we all. / If only we weren’t facing one at the same time. / Which is lucky, otherwise with the West’s financial crisis we wouldn’t stand a chance.

The US claims that al-Qaida is facing a financial crisis.  So now they’re ALL living in caves.

The US claims that al-Qaida is facing a financial crisis.  And there’s nothing that alleviates violent crime like being strapped for cash.

So they’ve got no money.  Looks like they’re going to have to start blowing things up for cash.

If they’re strapped for cash, they could always run a business on the side – you know, demolitions, beard extensions, pork avoidance, infidel-culling, you name it!

But of course they’ve got no money – NOBODY has.  That’s why it’s called a Global Financial Crisis.

I knew it!  The Global Financial Crisis was all just a ploy to win the War on Terror!

All their most committed fundraisers keep blowing up.

But they don’t need money.  They’ve got insanity! / Allah!

If al-Qaida don’t raise some money soon, they may even have to turn to crime.

To help raise some money, al-Qaida will be holding a fete this Sunday. Come along for the all the fun – there’s an unlucky dip, a white infidel stall and Pin the Bomb on the Accursed. / Pin the Plane on the Towers. / that game where you push ping-pong balls into the mouths of hostages.

Now instead of utilising suicide bombers, they just write nasty letters.

They’re so poor that instead of using suicide bombers, they have to use fireworks – but they make sure they hold it right up to their faces when it goes off. / and there’s nothing scarier than a jihadi holding a catherine wheel.

They can’t afford suicide bombers any more.  Now they just have a bunch of guys who punch themselves in the face. / who run up to you and go “BANG!”

After all, they may be terrorists, but they’d never rob a bank. / See, arrogance has worked against al-Qaida.  They’re too good to rob banks, eh?

To raise money, they’re organising a series of lamington stalls. Although instead of lamingtons, they’re selling 72 heavenly virgins, and instead of a stall, they’re using strap-on explosives.  But it’s the same thing in principle.

The al Qaida boses will be organising a few second-hand book sales, while the criminal amputees will be selling off a few of their old second hands.

This is why we haven’t seen any follow-ups to September 11.  They can’t afford the flying lessons. / Have you seen the price of aircraft fuel?

The US and its allies think they’ve choked funds to terror groups by freezing their assets.  But, see, they don’t know about the Secret Bank of Remote Waziristan.  It’s got ATMs nowhere.

Obviously it’s more expensive than I realised to improvise an explosive device.

They’d hit the streets to raise funds, but rattling a tin tends to set something off.

The only trouble with regular fund-raising is that folks rattling anything labelled “al-Qaida” tend to send people fleeing.

Now the world is going to see something even more scary than suicide bombers – jihadi buskers. / street-mimes.

They’ve got no money at all.  These guys really need a hit single.

Blowing shit up just doesn’t pay like it used to.

In a time of financial stress like this, funding international terrorism becomes one of those “non-essentials”.

Al-Qaida have been caught short by the global financial crisis.  They just weren’t prepared for the collapse of capitalism. / One thing they weren’t prepared for was the collapse of capitalism.

Olympic Doom (GNW 16/11/09: What’s The Story?)

November 25th, 2009

The Australian Olympic Committee has expressed frustration at the delay in response to its huge additional funding request.  If they were in charge, it would be swifter, higher, richer!

If an Olympics were held this year, Australia would slip to seventh on the medal tally.  Seventh!  We may as well just swallow hemlock. / We may as well commit mass hiri-kiri. / And we get depressed when we score silver! / That’s not even bronze – that’s cardboard.

It wouldn’t be so bad, but we’d be behind Britain! NOOOO!

Then again, we could just play ironically. / play for the wooden spoon.

And what’s worse, the 2012 Olympics are in London. They’re even going to outbarrack us! Quick – we need funding to send over five million fans!

The Australian Olympic Committee is asking for an extra $108 million per year for the next ten years. Didn’t anyone tell them we’re in a global financial crisis? / It’s called the “where’s our stimulus package” plea.

Unfortunately investing in athletes doesn’t give the greatest returns. Sure, they win gold medals, but no matter how much cash we plough into them, they all get redundant pretty quickly.
Without a billion dollars more funding, the Olympic Committee say that we may never again see the giddy heights of the 2000 and 2004 Olympics, when we were fourth on the medal tally.  Us Aussies, we just love coming fourth. / And surely a billion dollars is well worth it to come fourth. / Remember those days: Go Australia!  Almost bronze-ish!

If the government doesn’t cough up an extra billion dollars, perhaps we can ask the athletes who took advantage of all the previous funding to chip in a couple of their Uncle Tobys cheques.
We’d better prop up investment in sports quick smart. If we don’t get world-class athletes now, you know what that means for Australia’s future: no commentators. / nobody to endorse Uncle Tobys.

We’d better prop up investment in sports quick smart. If we don’t get world-class athletes now, people might start playing sports just for fun! / for fitness and recreation!

Unless there’s a massive injection of cash, we’re going to have to find people willing to swim for free.

It’s a tragedy.  If this keeps up, soon some people will have to play sports because they enjoy it.
Part of the problem is people taking up extreme and fringe sports. So enough of the lacrosse, losers – learn to bat or swim now or the country’s doomed!

Part of the problem is people taking up extreme and fringe sports. So more cricket and swimming, and less synchronised bungee-snorkling. / less dwarf-tossing. / less waterbilliards.

But without our domination of sports… we’ve got nothing to offer the world.

We’ve always been like the dumb kid at the back of the class who the school will never expel because he’s great at inter-school sports. But now the other schools are winning, and it’s just a matter of days before we’re going to be called to the principal’s office one last time…

Okay, so we suck at sports. But we still invented the Hills Hoist! Wanna dry some clothes? We’re your country! Anyone?

Okay, so we suck at sports. But when they make boozing up, chucking sickies, and complaining about having no rain Olympic sports, WE SHALL RETURN TO GLORY! / victory shall be OURS!

Okay, so currently we suck at sports. But you wait until blackface impersonation is accepted into the Olympics!

Oh no! We’re not very good at sports anymore! We might have to spend some of that money on, you know, something important!

According to the Australian Olympics Committee, we’re not spending enough money on sports. And according to the Australian Comedians Guild, the Farmers’ Union, and the National Cabal of Fruitmongers, we’re not spending enough on comedy, farming, or fruit-related infrastructure.

According to the Australian Olympics Committee, we’re not spending enough money on sports. Although it’s still quite a lot to spend on a handful of people who really like recreational activities. / quite a lot to spend so a handful of people can show off how good they are at playing games.

Of course, it doesn’t matter how much money you throw at it if it turns out we’re just a nation of LOSERS.

But let’s face it, it doesn’t matter how much money you spend on sports if you’re just not very good at it.

They’ve asked for an extra 108 million dollars a year to help train our young sportspeople. And young musicians and artists have asked if they can have an extra 5 bucks added to their dole.

And it’s not just the Olympics.  In cricket, rugby, tennis, golf, all our world-beaters seem to have disappeared.  But we were first out of the recession, so we’ll just have to beat our chests about economic management.  Hooray.

England have plunged millions into sports leading up to the London Olympics.  Sure, they’ll have 40 percent unemployment for the next decade, but at least they’ll have the Ashes.

But, last Olympics, we had 435 people in the team, so we need at least $200,000 per year – extra – for each one.  And if we spend four trillion dollars per year we could ALL run a bit faster.

So that’ll be over 200 million bucks per year to pay for around 400 athletes. The other 21 million of us will just have to try harder.

Surely 200 million bucks per year is a small price to pay to make 0.002% of the population slightly better at sport.

It really sends the wrong message to children. They’re going to grow up thinking sports is about fun and fitness, instead of medals and endorsements.

Australia’s 4th at the cricket? Bring on global warming – I want to die.

Hotel in Spaaaaace (GNW 16/11/09: What’s The Story?)

November 25th, 2009

Hooray!  In just three years we could all be staying at a new luxury resort – in space!  Well, I say luxury, but you still have to have your lobster thermidor sucked through a straw.

The Galactic Space Suite Resort will cost $4.4 million for a three-night stay.  And you’ll have to tip the valet a fortune.

Sure it’s expensive.  But individually-packaged little zero-gravity soaps don’t come cheap.

And the intense security a space hotel would have will make it virtually impossible to steal the towels.

You can check out any time you like, but you can only leave if you reach escape velocity.

Onboard the spacecraft, visitors will see the sun rise 15 times a day.  There’s no real nightlife up there – there’s no time.

It’ll only cost 4.4 million dollars for a 3 night stay.  Unfortunately, as it orbits the Earth every 80 minutes, each night is only about 40 minutes long.

The interior of the hotel will be beautiful.  Because you can’t really go outside. / anywhere else.

The money is coming from a mysterious anonymous benefactor who is apparently a “billionaire space enthusiast”.  Surely there aren’t that many – I reckon they’d be easy to track down.

It’s worth the money just to be able to take a massive dump, and then watch it freeze as it floats past your window.

You have to train for eight weeks for your 3 night stay.  Kinda takes all the fun out of it if you ask me. / It’s less of a holiday and more of a galactic boot camp.

The $4.4 million holiday includes an eight-week training course on a tropical island.  So it’s insanely expensive, but at least it also costs you a fortune in time.

Guests would see the sun rise 15 minutes a day and travel around the world every 80 minutes.  Take that, Phileus Fogg!

Guests would wear velcro suits so they can crawl around the walls of their pod rooms  Though it also takes some getting used to making cups of velcro tea.

It’s also going to be a great spot for aliens to spend a relaxing few days without having to encounter too many of those hideous Earthlings.

At last aliens have somewhere to stay without having to come in contact with the “funny little Earthlings”. / with too many foreigners.

It’s worth it to swim in the zero-g pool.  It’s a huge ball of water you can dive into from any direction!

The resort is equipped with all the luxury of an Earth-bound resort – although be warned, a quick game of deck volleyball can make you implode.

The company’s CEO believes that in the future it will be common for our children to live in space.  After all, they sure won’t be living on this hellhole. / After all, Earth will no longer be inhabitable.

Although, if you trash your hotel room in space, you risk being sucked into the eternal void.  And that’s not a metaphor for groupies and drugs, either.

You’d just better hope they don’t run out of bread.  It’s a long long way to the shops.

All the stars are going to want to go there.  Space is, after all, their natural home.

The space station orbits the Earth every 80 minutes.  So 18 times a day, you can wave to mum.

You’re taken up to the space hotel via a space shuttle, so there’s a less than 10% chance of fiery incineration.

You’re taken up in a space shuttle, which then remains attached to the space station so the guests don’t feel abandoned.  It also means they should be able to make all the needed repairs.

Unfortunately, as the hotel orbits the planet, it is constantly crossing borders, and you have to change your money every 5 minutes. / have to get your passport stamped every 30 seconds.

Unfortunately, as the hotel orbits the planet, it doesn’t use the currency of any particular Earth-bound nation.  The hotel only accepts wazoos.

I can’t imagine a better escape from the modern-day stress and business.  Although you do have to deal with space junk.

It’s just like Google Earth, but there’s no way to control where you’re going, you can’t zoom in, and you can’t just flip over to porn at the click of a mouse.

It’s perfect for the person who prefers to holiday in a cramped spacepod surrounded by a freezing empty void.  (So Canberrans will feel right at home.)

It’s the perfect holiday to take just before you set off your doomsday device.

And if you don’t like the place, well, you’re always welcome to leave.

No Fuglies (GNW 16/11/09: Survey Says)

November 25th, 2009

A dating website is rejecting almost 80% of applicants because they aren’t deemed attractive enough.  At last, a dating site that is superficial on your behalf!

The site’s been called “superficial” by critics, who are undoubtedly ugly. / especially those who’ve been rejected.

So there you go.  Even beautiful people are turning into nerds.

The site has 180,000 members, which shows that there are a lot of absolutely gorgeous people out there who can’t get laid.

You either get voted in or out of the site based on your appearance.  Who knew Big Brother could get more vacuous?

It’s the perfect place if you’re hot on the outside, and hideous on the inside. / It the perfect place for people who are really hot on the outside, and on the inside are crippled and repulsive.

Beauty is no longer just skin-deep, it’s actually two-dimensional.

You may as well make dating websites superficial.  Computer screens can’t deal with people in more than two dimensions.

It’s a tough site to get into.  Only 20 percent of applicants to the site are considered beautiful enough to get through.  And of that 20 percent, only 10 percent are able to use a computer without freaking out about ‘all the plastic squares with squiggles on them’ that they’re required to type with. / only 10 percent are able to use the internet without shouting into the monitor.

The site hopes to create a “worldwide community of beauty”.  And when everyone beautiful is signed up, they’ll issue members with the gasmasks and unleash their fugly-killing virus.

Of course, if you’re beautiful on the outside and the inside, you would’ve been snapped up by now.  So really, the site is a haven for good-looking psychopaths. / emotional cripples that are easy on the eye.

After all, who wants to waste time and money on the internet only to discover your potential date is a total fugly?  It’s much better to go out with someone who you know is good-looking, and discover they’re hideous on the inside later on. / and really work at uncovering their fugly side.

It’s called “beautifulpeople.com”, but really it should be called “judgmentalheterosexualswhocan’tgetanyactionintherealworldbecauseoftheirhideouspersonalities.com”.

In order to be admitted to the site, it’s best to pick your absolutely best head shot with a soft-lens, airbrush it, photoshop it, and then upload a picture of Johnny Depp. / Angelina Jolie.

Unfortunately the site becomes harder and harder to join, as the beautiful members don’t want anyone uglier than them joining up.  Eventually they’ll knock back everyone who isn’t Kate Moss. / Orlando Bloom. / Keira Knightley.

Of course, once beautiful people are only interacting with each other, their standards become so much harsher.  Soon the only people who will get through the filtering process will be actual shop dummies.  (Who, admittedly, are less plastic than many of the human members.)

The beauty regime will become ever more harsh, until the only people voted on will be actual clones of existing members.  (And they’ll proceed to vote everyone else off the site.)

Once you’re in, however, you can become as bloody ugly as you like. / you can totally let yourself go.

Luckily, it’s on the internet, and you can just make all your non-visual attributes up.

It’s one of the few internet sites where it really doesn’t matter if you lie about every single aspect of your true identity.  Because, at beautifulpeople.com, if you look good, they really don’t care. / don’t give a shit.

But be careful – if there’s 180,000 people out there who are that good-looking and still single, there’s gotta be something pretty bloody ugly about their personalities. / they’ve gotta be pretty ugly in the head. / there’s no doubt that they’ve got ugly, ugly minds.

It’s a great way of assuring that everyone you date will be as shallow and superficial as you.

New applicants to the site are put through a 48-hour screening process where the beauty of their profile and picture are voted on by site members of the opposite sex.  80 percent of applicants are rejected, since beautiful people enjoy nothing more than calling other people ugly.

For the 48 hours your profile is being assessed, you are able to use the full features of the website.  That’s right, for two glorious days anyone can pretend to be gorgeous and vacuous.

But it’s not fair to call the website “superficial”; it’s the members.

Beautifulpeople.com filters applicants so that gorgeous guys and girls can meet each other without corrupting their eyes with fugly flesh-people. / fugly repugs.

There are also some dating websites set up to cater for real uglies.  They’re called… all the other dating websites. / They’re called… normal dating websites.

Marked Crims (GNW 16/11/09: Strange But True)

November 25th, 2009

In Chicago, a pair of would-be burglars apprehended by police were found to have disguised their faces with a black permanent marker.  They were marked bandits.

That permanent marker is going on their permanent records. / This is going on their permanent record, in permanent texta.

The pair refused to wear stockings over their heads. That’d look STUPID. / They didn’t want to look STUPID.

They were so hard up for cash they couldn’t even afford tights.

There’s no way they were putting their faces where ladies’ bottoms went.

Because it’s just so hard to find a decent stocking these days.

They were unlucky to get caught.  They were only breaking in to steal a couple of pairs of tights. / to steal a proper disguise.

Still, it was a better disguise than the robbery they did in biro.

It’s so stupid. They weren’t even doing the Jackson Jive!

The idiots have now had to aplogise to both the owners of the apartment they broke into, and to Harry Connick Jnr.

Who says blackface makes you look stupid?

The pair admit they were stupid. If they didn’t want to get caught, they should’ve got rid of the permanent texta with white-out.

Police were unconvinced by their very poor impersonation of the Jackson Two. / Jackson Five.  Even when they claimed their white hands were Michael.

Although they did get a very good score on Red Faces. / from Jackie Macdonald.

The disguises are great – if they’re hiding from Mr Squiggle.

Still, arriving at the police station with blackened faces made it much easier for the cops to beat the living shit out of them.

When they were arrested, the two insisted they were only being targeted because they were black.

They’re sure learnt their lesson. Next time, they’re going to use fluoros and glitter.

Police say a long prison sentence should teach them to stick within the lines.  (Of the law.)

They’re expected to face a prison sentence almost long enough to let the texta fade.

One of the thieves drew on a full beard.  Burgling just made him feel so studly.

If you think that’s a pretty poor beard, you should see the one he tried to grow.

One of the thieves tried to draw on a Zorro mask.  Sorry, a BIRO mask.

Unfortunately having your face permanently marked with a Zorro mask is a real turn on for a certain type of cellmate.

They should have spent more time preparing, and less time sniffing textas.

When they were apprehended, they tried to get out of it by claiming they were just really lame maoris.

Drunk Hedgehog (GNW 16/11/09: Strange But True)

November 25th, 2009

A hedgehog has been found rolling around in an orchard, squealing loudly, after getting drunk on fermented apples.  Looks like he went the whole hog.

If you’ve ever been drunk and covered in spines, you’ll know what the problem is.

A team of animal rescuers saved the hedgehog, despite its drunken pleas. / drunken pleas to be left right where it was.

It was so pissed it couldn’t walk.  It would just curl up and ROLL to the next fermented apple.

But it might not have meant to eat all those fermented apples.  It might have been spiked.

He was squealing loudly, particularly as every time he fell over he pierced himself.

He ended up with a hell of a headache.  As you do when your head is full of spikes. / And the acupuncture did nothing.

Despite being dosed with painkillers, the hedgehog still had a prick of a hangover.

He was totally porcu-blind.

Ah, fermented apples.  The alcopop of the animal kingdom.

As Led Zeppelin said, “If there’s a bustle in your hedgehog, don’t be alarmed now, it’s just had one too many fermented apples”.

They knew the hedgehog was drunk when instead of eating worms, it was found hugging them, slurring “I love youse guys, I really do”.

They knew the hedgehog was drunk when it played ‘Khe Sanh’ nine times in a row.

He ended up with a hell of a hangover.  It felt like his head was full of spikes.

He’d had a big night.  He’d been badgering these moles all night just to get a bit of beaver, and when they stoat-ally ignored him, he decided to get otter-ly rat-arsed.

The next day, his mouth felt like he’d been eating bugs all night.   Which, being mostly insectivorous, he had.

He was drunk as a skunk.  (Even though he was a hedgehog!)

It was the hedgehog’s fault.  The apples weren’t even alcoholic until it spiked them.

That’s the problem with being a hedgehog.  Almost everything you eat has a chance of being spiked.

He was squealing loudly, which is hedgehog for “More beer, more beer…”

She’d just had a yummy meal of arachnids, and couldn’t resist having spider cider inside ‘er. / having some cider beside the spiders inside ‘er.

Hedgehogs may be omnivores, but it was the first time it had ever craved a kebab.

The hedgehog was so pissed, it spent an hour trying to chat up a scrubbing brush.

And if you want to see the footage, just log on to drunkenhedgehogs.com.   I know I did.

The hedgehog was nicknamed ‘Tipsy’.  Because it’s a lot cuter than ‘Rat-arsed’. / ‘Chucksy’.

When a drunken hedgehog vomits, it’s chucking up semi-digested worms and spiders.  Which is just as pleasant as it sounds.

Watching the drunken hedgehog rolling around laughing made two nearby foxes wish, for one moment, they were herbivorous.

It’s not just hedgehogs that love a good pissup.  Snakes also get legless, moles get blind, and rats get rat-arsed.

Good Next Week (GNW 16/11/09: closing)

November 25th, 2009

Tuesday, November 17

Beijing will host the Digital Media Awards on Tuesday, with winner for Most Unbiased Media going to China – again!

Beijing will host the Digital Media Awards tomorrow.  The Olympic stadium will be perhaps wasted on the single wi-fi connected nerd running the thing.

The Bureau of Statistics will release the population & housing census.  And despite some excellent results from the population, virtually all the houses refused to be counted. / to fill out the form.

The Bureau of Statistics will release both the population & housing census, and the motor vehicle census.  Man these guys just don’t quit!  Booyah!

Wednesday, November 18

Wednesday’s ‘Adelaide Fashion Festival’ will get off to a terrible start when, tragically, it is held in Adelaide.

Wednesday is the Adelaide Fashion Festival – the natural home of hobo chic.

Sydney will host the Inside Film Awards – inside. / which should be much cosier than the outside ones.

On Wednesday, Sydney will host the Inside Film Awards, ironically, in real life.  / ironically, not inside a film at all, but in real life.

In Canberra, the head of Amnesty International will address the National Press Club on Wednesday, unless he can get some sort of amnesty.

Indonesian President Yudhoyono will arrive in Australia.  Yudhoyoh-yes.

Indonesian President Yudhoyono will arrive in Australia, wearing a very very large jacket.

Thursday, November 19

The Manhunt Australia male model national final will get off to a bad start when they can’t find any anywhere, prompting a thorough search down the back of the couch.

Darwin will host the national final of Manhunt on Thursday.  The best part is thwacking them with a harpoon and watching them thrash around, spraying the place with blood.

Brisbane will host the Public Service conference.  Mm – sounds interesting!

The CEO of Virgin Blue will be at the Qld. Media Club on Thursday.  He’s not speaking or anything – he’s just there to whet his appetite.

On Thursday the N.S.W. Tourism Awards will be presented to a giant pineapple, an enormous lobster, and a Koala made of fibreglass.

On Thursday, “New Moon”, the latest movie in the “Twilight” series, will be released.  In the audience will be Hollywood executives, producers, and stakeholders, who will mainly be there to kill the vampires.

“New Moon”, the latest movie in the “Twilight” series, will be released, to the delight of teenage girls with too much delicious blood.

Friday, November 20

Friday’s Motorcycle Show in Sydney will be wheelie good.

Friday’s Motorcycle Show in Sydney will have to be cancelled when it turns out the motorbikes are all two-tyred.

The spokesman for Friday’s Motorcycle Show in Sydney will resign when he realises motorbikes don’t have spokes.

Friday’s Sydney Motorcycle Show will be erupt into violence when interrupted by a gang of bikelessies.

In Canberra, Kevin Rudd will be at the Australian Export Awards dinner.  Winners are allowed to choose which country they’ll export refugees to.

In Canberra, Kevin Rudd will be at the Australian Export Awards dinner.  It’ll be take-away.

The Bureau of Statistics will release the housing condition report.  Apparently the roof is leaking and we need a new light in the kitchen.  (And it’s not my turn.)

Saturday, November 21

Saturday is the start of Schoolies, so Gold Coast residents – escape while you still can!

Saturday is the start of Schoolies!  Or as it’s known, “Easy Pickin’s Week. / “Underage UnderSchmage”. / “The PaedoFestival”.

In Hobart, Saturday is the Christmas Pageant.  Looks like the congential defects that arise from generations of inbreeding don’t help you with your sense of time.

In Saturday in Hobart, it’s the Christmas Pageant.  They wanted to get in before everyone starts celebrating Christmas.

In New York, one of Michael Jackson’s gloves will be auctioned.  Because auctioning a pair of them would be FREAKY.

In New York, one of Michael Jackson’s gloves will be auctioned.  One?  He only ever HAD one glove.

Hulk Hogan’s Hulkamania tour will arrive in Melbourne on Saturday.  Yup, Melbourne’s all art and culture.

Hulk Hogan’s Hulkamania tour will arrive in Melbourne on Saturday, if you want to see wrinkles wrestle.

The West Australian Tourism Awards will be presented.  Surely Sri Lanka must be up there.

Sunday, November 22

In Perth, it’s the Awesome International Arts Festival, which should do well against the Bogus Film Festival and the Carnival of Wickety-Wack.

In the Philippines, it’s the final of Miss Earth International, and this year, aptly, she’s huge and spherical.

In Melbourne, it’s the Cyclist Of The Year Awards.  Front-runner: Magda Szubanski. / In Melbourne, it’s the Cyclist Of The Year Awards – rumour is, the award’s going to Magda!

Monday, November 23

In Sydney, it’s the Australian Airports Association national conference.  BYO sickbag.

In Sydney on Monday, it’s the Australian Airports Association national conference.  So anyone looking to land anywhere else that day, bad luck. / it’ll be a bit of a drive home.

In Canberra, the inquiry into the National Broadband Network will report, in morse.

On Monday, India’s rich list will be announced.  They’re the guys on the INSIDE of the trains.

India’s rich list will be announced on Monday.  Unlike many financial surveys, it includes income earned in previous lives.

The Bureau of Statistics will release the Pensioner Living Cost Index.  But of course, the cost of living for a pensioner is different depending on whether or not you’re eating dogfood.

On Monday, The Bureau of Statistics will release the Household Living Costs Index and the Pensioner Living Cost Index.  Unfortunately it is now almost impossible to get a house for less than a couple of dozen pensioners.

Horror Tourists (GNW 9/11/09: monologue)

November 16th, 2009

A Queensland researcher has suggested potential tourists to Australia may be being put off by recent local horror movies like “Wolf Creek”, “Dying Breed” and “The Hey Hey Reunion”.

Aussie horror films frequently count among their victims foreigners, backpackers, or outsiders. It’s about time these tourists got the message.

At last – the perfect way to deter boatpeople!

And the few people who DO come here for the thrill of gore may not be the kind of visitors we really want.

However, apparently the movie “Wolf Creek” has attracted many people to our shores. In particular, bloodthirsty psychopaths.

It turns out half of the boatpeople coming to our shores are actually just big fans of “Razorback”.

Horror films scare the more squeamish tourists away, while films like “Strictly Ballroom” and “Priscilla” scare EVERYONE away.

Australia has recently seen a spate of horror movies, since even in a financial crisis, we’ve got no shortage of tomato sauce.

Dr Mark David Ryan’s doctoral thesis said Aussie horror movies dissuade some tourists, and yet attract others. He concluded that three years of his life had been completely wasted.

The success of “Wolf Creek” has led to a huge surge in popularity for the Wolfe Creek National Park, despite the fact it is spelt W-O-L-F-E. They’re not expecting to find Mick Taylor, but figure there might be a psycho called Mike Tay-lore.

The success of “Wolf Creek” has led to a huge surge in popularity for the actual Wolfe Creek, as well as slightly more interest in Puppy Pond, the Doggy Dam, and the reservoirs at Woofwoof. / and the public pool at Barksville.

But tourists to Wolfe Creek National Park are bound to wind up disappointed when they escape with their spines.

But some tourists just love taking the Horror Movie Tour, where they visit Wolf Creek, see some giant crocs and feral pigs, and finish with a brain-chilling screening of “Crocodile Dundee 3” – from which there’s no escape! / and finish by having their spines ripped out.

Aussie horror films may be successful, but they’re damaging our tourist trade, dammit! And that means less “volunteers” for my “experiments”…

But we could be using this fear of Australia as advertising for tourism! Our new slogan: “Australia – can you handle it?” / “Australia – we DARE you.” / “Are you MAN ENOUGH to handle a week in Australia? We betcha can’t even survive the AIRPORT.”

But if you believe Australia really is what its movies claim it is, it’d be a land filled with vicious killers, giant crocs, enormous rogue pigs, deadly zombies, and thousands of Bill Hunters. / of Bryan Browns.

But by far the greatest damage done to our tourism industry was caused by that terrifying movie “Australia”. (What a piece of shit!)

Dr Mark David Ryan’s doctoral thesis said Aussie horror movies dissuade some tourists, and yet attract others. Still, good enough for a Ph.D. in Timewasting. / He concluded he needed to do a post-doc in watching more horror films.

Having done a doctorate on the Australian horror movie industry, Dr Ryan’s hoping to someone wants to pay him to watch rom-coms next. / hoping to be the best qualified staffer at Blockbuster.

Dr Mark David Ryan completed his thesis on Australian horror movies at the University of Video-Ezy. / Blockbuster.

Having finally finished his research into horror movies and tourism, he’s now going to analyse the effects of romantic comedies on urban infrastructure, the influence of Broadway musicals on Guatemalan coalmining, and the correlations that be be made between ‘Home and Away’ and amateur taxidermy.

Still, at least we’re not known for our rom-coms. Who needs that kind of sappy tourist?

Um… so do we have a problem with too many people wanting to come here, or not enough? MAKE UP YOUR MINDS!

MP Sin-Bin (GNW 9/11/09: monologue)

November 16th, 2009

Queensland MPs who misbehave now face up to an hour in the “sin bin”. Sounds like their wettest dreams come true.

I always thought the “sin-bin” was where they stashed the coke when Kevin walks in.

I preferred it in the old days, when you could give politicians the cane. / Pah – I wanna see them get the strap!

The naughty-chair will also be used for MPs who tease other politicians at playlunch.

They’re calling it a sin-bin. Yeah, that’ll discourage them – if there’s one thing a politician hates, it’s being forced to sin. / it’s spending time in a place of sin.

Pollies who misbehave will be forced to spend time in the sin-bin for an hour. Only one hour? You can barely get any decent sinning done in one hour.

Pollies who misbehave will be forced to spend time alone in the sin-bin. Which is perfect – politicians prefer doing their sinning alone.

Politicians don’t have to write lines when they’re in the naughty-corner, but it’s perfect time to snort a few. / but it’s perfect place to snort a few.

Of course, a better penalty would be to force them to sit through question-time. / force them to stay in the chamber. / force them to actually listen to each other’s speeches.

It was either that or give them detention.

And if the naughty-corner doesn’t work, they’ll be sent to their offices without any supper! / they’ll be sent to their electorates without any supper! / they’ll be grounded. / they’ll get time out.

They had to introduce some sort of sin-bin for politicians. Because fining them, sacking them, or deterring them in any way that is actually effective might upset them.

A political sin-bin’s not going to deter anyone. Half of them only got into politics for the political sin!

The bin will be filled with all the best sin: swearing, booze, porn – they’ll be like pigs in shit!

And if, after a spell in the sin bin, they continue to misbehave, they’ll be sent to the sin palace. / palace of sin.

Premier Anna Bligh says the new rule was effectively a “naughty corner” for politicians. And she’s always wanted to play schoolma’am. / And she’s looking forward to giving them a good spanking.

Previously the only naughty corner politicians could be sent to was the party room.

But if Queensland politicians aren’t allowed to be belligerent and abusive, how are they supposed to represent their constituents?

It’s the political equivalent of the naughty-corner. And there’s nothing a politician hates more than being naughty.

It’s a great way to punish politicians in a way that really doesn’t make any actual difference, but looks quite amusing when reported in the Odd Spot.

Of course, the only effective way to teach a politician a lesson is to DOCK THEIR BLOODY PAY.

Unfortunately the sin bin may get so full that they have to hold their votes there.

A bipartisan parliamentary committee agreed not just to the sin bin, but also a sin chamber, a sin palace, and a sin allowance.

The sin bin would be a fantastic idea if MPs didn’t spend half their time trying to avoid parliament to begin with.

Politicians support the idea – mainly because giving them time-out is essentially giving them an hour-long tax-payer-funded holiday!

The sinful politician has to leave the chamber for an hour. Gee, sins these days aren’t quite so deadly.

Sins that will be punished include personal abuse, swearing, and asking any questions about privatising everything. / and tricky questions.

Graffitea (GNW 9/11/09: monologue)

November 16th, 2009

The NSW Government is considering a plan to sentence graffiti vandals to community service with senior citizens. Ah yes, forcing teenagers and pensioners to speak – that make should everyone happy.

Jail time doesn’t seem to work, so they’re hoping instead a few hours in the company of dementia-riddled seniors will crush their spirits.

They’re hoping it will solve the problems of both antisocial youth and unlovable crones. / the unbearable elderly. / the unwanted oldies.

Of course, it’s not the graffiti-artists that are costing us 100 million a year – it’s the government who insists on erasing it all.

Of course, it’s not really the graffiti-artists who are costing us 100 million a year. They’re willing to work for free! / They do all their work for free.

Maybe instead of spending money on erasing all of the local graffiti art, councils could blow their cash on a few really big picture frames.

Hang on – if the vandals are the ones who’ve done the crime, why should the elderly folks be the ones getting the punishment?

Graffiti-artists are appalled. There’s no room for a decent piece on an old person.

The reasoning is, if we can’t make these people stop decorating the city, we should at least reward them with a delicious snack, a warm beverage, and a lovely chat.

Because if one thing will turn a street-artist away from his dedication to spray-painting, it’s a delicious snack, a warm beverage, and a chat.

So now they’ll have graffitea and graffiscones. / So now all the oldies will be drinking graffitea.

Tea, scones and the wisdom of the ages. It’s enough to make me want to scrawl MY name everywhere.

Tea and scones with the oldies – it should at least encourage them to broaden their artistic materials… a dab of raspberry jam, a smudge of cream…

100-year-old Masters Games gold medallist Ruth Frith said the elderly shouldn’t be made to manage disrespectful youth. They’ve got their hands full just remembering where the toilet is.

It’s a great way to teach the young’uns a lesson without having to do it yourself.

But should vandals really be allowed near the elderly? They’re so easy to break. / They’re so fragile. / They’re so easy to vandalise.

And, satisfied they’ve done their civic duty, the young’uns can happily tag the whole way home.

A councillor suggested that it would help vandals “develop a social conscience and some sense of heart”. Or at the very least get the oldies out of his hair.

Our oldies can help set these wayward kids straight, or at least provide them with believable alibis.

Clearly, the reasoning is that, once they’ve hung out with old people, they’ll develop a social conscience and stop painting. Either that, or develop a liking for shortbread and Glen Miller.

The elders can engender a respect for history, civic duty, and a simpler way of life into the young’uns, and the youth can show the oldies the best places for tagging.

This way the vandals get a sense of community and the oldies learn how to do a fully wicked tag. / piece.

The oldies will love having the young’uns around. Finally a chance to have a decent session of chroming. / to have a good old fashioned chrome.

To help them develop a social conscience, the oldies will give the vandals a good clip around the ears and a taste of their belts.

The vandals themselves are excited by the prospect. They love tea and cones.

Exactly what the elderly folks are meant to gain by hanging out with a bunch of graffiti-artists is yet to be determined. But the graffiti-artists say the deal’s pretty sweet, can somebody pass the strawberry jam.

Exactly what the elderly folks are meant to gain by hanging out with a bunch of graffiti-artists is yet to be determined. But at least they lose the will-to-live.

It should work well. If you tag the elderly, they’re easier to identify when they wander off.

“Back in MY day, the only way we could spray paint was to get a big mouthful of it and spit it very precisely… of course in those days paint gave you lead-poisoning, which led to polio… mind you, that’s how I met your grandmother.”

Aussie Willy (GNW 9/11/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

November 16th, 2009

Prince William’s coming to Australia, for the first time in his adult life. I guess this time we won’t have to worry about making sure we have extra nappies.

Shame it wasn’t Harry – we could’ve just had a massive pissup.

Prince William is coming! Time for all you pampered princesses out there to get ready for face-to-face disappointment!

He’s not expected to bring his long-time girlfriend, Kate Middleton. He just wants to keep his options open in case some simple girl from Tassie sweeps him off his feet.

Apparently he’s bringing along a glass slipper, just in case…

It’s the first time William will be in Australia since he was just one year old. If he really likes it, he may come back again before he’s 50! / Even at that tender age, he would never have dreamed we’d still be part of his kingdom by now!

It’s the first time William’s been in Australia for 26 years. He decided he ought to come since surprisingly enough he may one day end up our head of state.

He’ll be looking forward to seeing some of Australia’s curious evolutionary throwbacks, like kangaroos, platypuses, and monarchists.

Of course William’s father, Prince Charles, spent much of his time growing up in Australia. Which is reason enough to avoid it.

If you believe the hype, he’s visiting us as a direct result of an official governmental request, but he’s really just popping in on his way back from visiting New Zealand. He wanted to see the real Middle Earth, and figured he might as well see the orcs on the way home.

He’s coming here after he visits New Zealand. It’s nice to know we’re his second favourite southern colonial outpost.

He’s just popping in to check out our beaches. He hears they’re fit, nubile, and will do anything.

He’s looking forward to popping a shrimp on the barbie, whatever that means.

He once flirted with the idea of become our Governor-General. Of course, then all the Governor-General’s staff would be hot English models.

Apparently, he once even considered becoming the Governor-General of Australia, because he was such a big fan of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A new book claims both William and Charles had wanted the job of Governor-General of Australia as a way of escaping the grip of Prince Philip and the Queen. Although an even better way might be getting a job where they weren’t directly beneath them. / weren’t their foreign representatives.

Prince Charles once wanted to be Australia’s Governor-General, but Bob Hawke vetoed the appointment. Veto? What sort of a monarchy is this?

Shocking Rudd (GNW 9/11/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

November 16th, 2009

Kevin Rudd picked the winner of the Melbourne Cup, Shocking. Rudd hasn’t been that thrilled since he was given the right meal on the plane.

So clearly if he’s tipped us to triumph in Afghanistan, we’re going to damn well triumph in Afghanistan!

Rudd was flabbergasted. He had just been explaining that he was shocking at tipping, not that he was tipping Shocking.

Makes you realise we haven’t seen Kevin’s “happy face” for over a year now. / since late 2007.

He was so surprised, it knocked the fascinator right off his head.

Ooh, looks like someone’s been given the white meat!

Shocking’s win was nearly as shocking as Rudd’s Cup Day poll results.

The last winner Rudd picked was his ear.

Now we know who’s been hanging around with the bookies and sharks of the underworld.

Rudd was thrilled that he picked the winner of the cup, as it meant five minutes when no-one asked him about asylum seekers.

Maybe we should get some of Kevin’s bookies looking into the odds in Afghanistan…

He’s such a sports-mad freak, our PM – I mean, just look at him!

He enjoyed his victory with a can of beer and a glass of champers. Not alcopops, they’re EVIL. / they’re too expensive.

With his winnings, he could even afford to down a few alcopops.

Rudd hadn’t actually tipped Shocking, he was just happy the winner wasn’t Alcopop.

With his winnings, he’ll be able to pull Australia out of the financial crisis! / he’ll be able to balance the budget!

Greens leader Bob Brown said the Government should seize the $420,000 third prize which was going to Chechen dictator Ramzan Kadyrov. Better off sending it to that nice Mr Putin.

While Rudd’s pick emerged triumphant, Malcolm Turnbull chose Viewed, who came home seventh. So things are definitely picking up for him too.

Tony Abbott felt fate was giving him a tip when there was a horse running called Warringah, the name of his electorate. Unfortunately Warringah ran last. I think fate might be saying Abbott should join Costello and Nelson… / Still did better than John Howard’s tip: Phar Lap.

Telstra stops making you pay to pay (GNW 9/11/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

November 16th, 2009

Telstra had introduced a $2.20 fee for paying bills at the post office, but scrapped it after being told it was unfair and cruel. So they now have introduced a “cruelty fee” instead. You know, so it’s all above board.

Telstra had introduced a $2.20 fee for paying bills at the post office, but scrapped it after being told it was unfair and cruel. Next people will be saying that about their “you’re an arsetard” fee.

Paying cash should not be punishable. But they will still charge you extra if you pay in conch shells. / trinkets.

It’s like telcos don’t want us to pay in cash. Which is why I pay all my bills in trinkets and kind words.

Telstra have axed the $2.20 fee they were charging customers to pay their bills in person or by mail. In return, customers have agreed to stop charging their account closure fees.

Receiving cash is such a hassle. It takes ages to convert it into phantom numbers.

After all, how can they promote themselves as a high-tech company if they still have to deal with webless luddites?

Telstra said that people didn’t really mind the fee for not paying online. Their complaints web page was hardly used!

It had become difficult to administer. Every time someone paid cash, they had to charge them another fee. Which they paid in cash… etc… All it took was some particularly prompt payers to bring down their computer system.

You’re giving me MONEY? What do you expect me to do with that? / I’m sorry, that’s going to cost you.

Poor and elderly people are disadvantaged by the fee, as they’re less likely to have internet access to pay off their iPhone bills. / internet access bills.

But then they’re just the sort of losers they’re trying to get rid of.

They claimed they were charging the extra money to encourage people to save paper. But if they really wanted to save paper, they could just make their bills SMALLER.

Other telcos are still charging their customers extra for paying their bills in cash. But they’re willing to waive that fee if you get your forehead stamped with their Mark of the Beast. It’s simple!

Consumer choice advocates had pushed for the fees to be removed. Poor and elderly people would’ve done it themselves, but they’d had their phone cut off.

Consumer choice advocates say the fees disadvantage the poor and elderly. But telcos quite rightly point out that it’s often the only money they get from those no-friends losers.

When will people just get internet banking or die?

Telstra said if people wanted to complain about the fee for not paying online, they should have visited Telstra’s Facebook page.

Other telcos are now having to work out whether they will ditch similar fees. Or just charge them to Telstra.

Various telcos are charging fees for receiving a paper bill, paying the bill in person, by mail, or by credit card. But there’s absolutely no fee if you allow them to run all your bank accounts. / if you pay from the bank account of a Telstra senior executive.

So-called “billing fees” are just offensive. Getting a bill is not a “service” – it’s a frigging PAIN IN THE ARSE.

Billing fees are absolutely insane. “Give me some money – and for that privilege, I’m going to charge you extra.”

We’re lucky they’re not charging us extra for paying their billing fees.

“I’m sorry, you paid us the correct amount of money for the service we gave you. So you have to pay us extra now. Standard procedure.”

With “billing fees”, we’re paying companies to let us pay them. I’ve got an idea – if it costs them so very much to tell us how much we owe them, how about they just don’t tell us, and we take a punt. And if we’re off by a few hundred dollars, we can just call it a “customer fee”.

I’m thinking of introducing my own “payment fee”. I’ll charge that to companies every time I pay a bill. But if they want it in writing, they’re going to have to pay extra!

The train companies love the idea. Now it’s going to be free to get on a train, but you’ll have to buy a ticket to get off.