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Good News Week

Kids Off The Booze (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

The Australian Drug Foundation has called for new penalties for adults found to be supplying drinks to boozing adolescents.  Any adult giving a teen more than two standard drinks will be grounded. The ADF says one in three teenagers are binge-drinking at “harmful levels”, since that is, of course, the whole point. The ADF says […]

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Good News Week

Ute-gate (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

And we were amazed at the political judgement & cunning of Malcolm Turnbull, who took a nothing story about Kevin Rudd’s old rust-bucket & turned it into… Ute-gate!  Unfortunately Malcolm didn’t know quite enough about utes and got walloped by Tail-gate. And we were amazed at the political judgement & cunning of Malcolm Turnbull, who […]

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Good News Week

Bikies (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

It’s been a tough year for the poor old bikies.  One moment of alleged unpleasantness at Sydney Airport, and suddenly it’s assumed they’re all violent, vengeful thugs.  Whereas they insist they’re simply violent, vengeful citizens. Bikies insist that they are not the problem.  There are just too many bollards around.  (And who can resist that […]

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Good News Week

Hoyono? You know. (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

Australia’s relationship with Indonesia seems to be doomed, after Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono gives our PM not so much a wet fish handshake as an oceanic wiping. That’s what happens when one person wants to shake hands, and one wants to tickle palms. Not only was their handshake limp, but the lovemaking was really half-hearted. / […]

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Good News Week

Stupid Vampires (GNW 23/11/09: 5 Second Grab)

The Twilight phenomenon hit a new high last week with the release of the “New Moon” movie.  Across the world, young teen girls flocked into movie theatres to swoon over a 108-year-old with false teeth. / dental problems. All the goth kiddies want to be vampires.  They’re the only things that can wear capes without […]

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Good News Week

GNW Award Nominations: Sauce Bottle for Entertainment

Clare Werbeloff, the “Chk Chk Boom” girl, for services to fat wogs, skinny wogs & their fully sick boys. Proof that modern journalists would rather talk to a pretty girl than CHECK THEIR FACTS. / DO ACTUAL JOURNALISM. Proof that modern journalists would rather be first with the news, than report what’s actually happening. After […]

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Good News Week

Punching Man (GNW 23/11/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

A Chinese man is renting himself to stressed women, as a punching bag.  Unlike a regular punching bag, you can see the pain! A Chinese man is renting himself to stressed women, as a punching bag.  He was sick of getting the shit kicked out of him for free. He’s renting himself out as a […]

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Good News Week

GNW Award Nominations: Sauce Bottle for Sport

Matthew Johns, the Cronulla Sharks, Paul Vautin & the NRL Footy Show, for services to team bonding; Of course Johns has borne the brunt for the group sex scandal, but you know what they say, it takes eight to gangbang.  Or nine, I mean, who was counting? And there’s no bond stronger than a whole […]

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Good News Week

Robo-rabbit-cock (GNW 23/11/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

Scientists in an American laboratory have given rabbits artificial penises.  I guess they ran out of carrots. The scientists say that the artificial penises could one day result in a fully-functional replacement for having your penis chopped off by scientists. That’s a real pubic hare. Of course all it takes to grow penises in a […]

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Good News Week

GNW Award Nominations: Sauce Bottle for Science

Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon Craig Bittner, for running his car on fat sucked from his patients called “lipo-diesel”. And he uses their love handles as shammies. Ah, fat people.  Is there anything we can’t do with their grotesque corpulence? And if he runs out of fat, he’ll use their juiced brains. It’s also great for […]