Australia – not as good as we think we are (GNW 26/10/09: monologue)

November 2nd, 2009

The world reckons Australia is not as good as we think we are. A new survey shows that we’re more positive about ourselves than any other nation, but other nations rank us considerably lower on business, culture and social welfare. But you know us Aussies. We love being the underdog.

Sure, we may be a bit behind on business, culture and social welfare. But we’ll cane the Frogs at cricket!

Sure, we may be a bit behind on business, culture and social welfare. But we’ve got the best dwarf-tossers in the world! / best cane-toads in the world!

The world community doesn’t care much for Australia. Luckily, we don’t give a flying root about them either.

The world doesn’t see Australia as a good place to do business, despite our push-over Parliament, our corrupt police force, and our gangland extortionists.

How can they not take Australia seriously? We’ve got the Giant Pineapple, the Flying Birdman Rally, AND dwarf-throwing!

Australia? Uncultured? Pig’s arse!

Aussies are even proud that no-one else likes us. After all, we love being the underdog. / chicks love the underdog. / sheilas always love the bad boy.

Australia was the most self-confident country out of the 33 nations surveyed – but what’s not to love?

But why shouldn’t Aussies be proud? We’ve produced Jimmy Barnes the Scotsman, Angus Young the Englishman, and Russell Crowe the Kiwi.

Although given that we are the only major economy to be growing at the moment, who cares what they think?

Although given that we are the only major economy to be growing at the moment, clearly being popular isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

We are still the fourth highest country for them to want to invest in, however. Just because they see us as dodgy uncultured bogan hicks doesn’t mean they don’t want to ride on our financial coat-tails. Except of course they’re not coat-tails here, they’re sheep-dags.

As a country, we’re a dodgy bogan. We’ve got no culture, no money, and very little prospects – but we reckon we’re bloody grouse, and if you hang with us, we can sort you out.

Australia’s reputation scored third overall out of 34 countries, just behind Switzerland and Canada, or as we call them, “tall poppy countries”.

Australia didn’t have a good reputation among the citizens of G8 countries for innovation or technological advancement. But then they probably haven’t tried iSnack 2.0.

Australia didn’t have a good reputation among the citizens of G8 countries for innovation or technological advancement. But have they ever been to the Moomba Birdman Rally? I don’t think so.

Australia didn’t have a good reputation among the citizens of G8 countries for innovation or technological advancement. But who came up with the stump-jump plough, huh? Sure, it hasn’t revolutionised the world as much as the internet or the car, but you want any stumps jumped with a plough, and you’ll be crawling to us.

Australia didn’t have a good reputation among the citizens of G8 countries for innovation or technological advancement. But who came up with the Hills Hoist, huh? Sure, it hasn’t revolutionised the world quite as much as the personal computer or the silicone chip, but if you ever want to hang your washing up on something that spins, you’ll be begging us for forgiveness.

Mind you, the whole world agrees with us that we have the best blackface acts.

But of course the world doesn’t know us like we do. All it knows about Australia is that we beat up Indians and laugh at gollywogs.

Well if that’s what the world thinks about us, I’m glad we’re still doing our best to stop them from coming here.

A spokeswoman for Austrade said Australia needed to leverage this self-confidence into a new brand for Australia. Perhaps “Australia – better than you!” / “Australia – land of the smug.”

A spokeswoman for Austrade said Australia needed to leverage this self-confidence into a new brand for Australia. So far the best that they’ve come up with it “Australia – who needs ya?”

Austrade say Australia should capitalise on our self-image in our new brand to encourage investment. What about “Australia – Become ONE OF US.” / “Australia – can you lend us some cash? I swear you’ll get it back.”

It Beggars Belief (GNW 26/10/09: monologue)

November 2nd, 2009

The Northern Territory has proposed fining people six and a half thousand dollars for begging. And with the begging they’ll need to do to afford the fines, they’ll soon be in debt to the tune of millions.

To afford the fines, some beggars may need to close their businesses, or at least lay off some staff. / shut down some of their branches.

Beggars say it’s not a big deal. They’ll add it to the tab.

Beggars say it’s not a big deal. They’ll just get their lawyers onto it.

Not only will beggars be hit with a 6 and a half thousand dollar fine, but the homeless will be sprayed with a hose, and anyone caught down on their luck will be punched in the face.

“Scuse me mate, could you spare a coupla grand for a begging ticket?” / for a quick beg?”

“Scuse me mate, could you spare a coupla grand? I haven’t begged for days!”

Even if they were begging for fun initially, they’re certainly going to need to beg afterwards.

It sure has made for a better class of beggar.

So the eager pollies think a bigger begger levy makes the beggars bugger off, but the bitter beggars think the pollies’ levy’s folly, and want the pollies to be better to the beggars and their trolleys – it’s a “bitter begger battle with the eager beaver pollies and their bigger begger levy silly folly” kinda day.

Police will probably feel cruel writing out the ticket, and are expected to give them a couple of bucks first out of pity. / to double their contribution.

The fines will help the government fund a squad of people who can go around kicking the homeless. / shooting homeless people.

The fines will help the government fund their annual culling of the homeless.

Such a shame. Most beggars are saving that $6500 for a round-the-world trip.

So beggars, be careful, or your round-the-world trip could end up being in economy.

But any decent beggar should be able to escape the charges, at least if they’re good at begging for mercy.

The government says they’ll spend any money raised by giving it to beggars. It’s a primitive form of social security. / Swings and roundabouts.

The government says they’ll spend the money raised on art and theatre. So at least it’s going back to the beggars.

The Northern Territory Chief Minister earlier this year said that a plan to impose a $130 fine to people begging in Alice Springs “beggars belief”. So beggars – believe it.

The fine will apply to all forms of begging – except for people who are begging to be re-elected, in which case they’ll be given thousands of dollars in support.

Backpack-transmitted infections (GNW 26/10/09: monologue)

November 2nd, 2009

Researchers at the University of NSW have found that British backpackers may be driving the spread of sexually-transmitted infections in Australia. Just like they used to do with scurvy and smallpox.

Researchers at the University of NSW have found that British backpackers may be driving the spread of sexually-transmitted infections in Australia. Although they still have no idea what is driving the spread of Andre Rieu.

Britain are sending all their diseased drug-taking alcoholic sex-maniacs to Australia! In 200 years, nothing’s changed.

British backpackers are not generally using condoms. Their principal form of contraception is their ugly sunburnt faces.

And that’s how you end up with a bovver in your bollocks. / in your lovely jubblies.

British backpackers are not generally using condoms. To prevent STIs, they tend to rely on the protective accumulated crust of their old dickcheese.

24 percent of British backpackers have had unprotected sex with multiple partners. What is it that does it for us? Is it the stench of unwashed bong-smoke? Or do we just love being called convict scum?

24 percent of British backpackers have had unprotected sex with multiple partners since being in Australia. And some of those partners have barely been drugged at all!

Most British backpackers have three times as many partners as they do at home. But then we are that much more attractive.

But to an Aussie, the British accent is intoxicatingly exotic. We just close our eyes and pretend it’s Beckham. / and pretend we’re being bent like Beckham.

I don’t know why we bother with backpacker killers. They seem to be doing such a good job themselves.

Looks like it’s not the boatpeople we need to be worried about. / Looks like we’re protecting ourselves against the wrong kind of boatpeople.

So be careful if you’re hanging out with British tourists. They might be diseased – and you really don’t want to see their Big Pineapple.

They’re taking home all sorts of nasty souvenirs. Still, I’d rather have the clap than a kangaroo-paw bottle opener or a purse made out of cane toads.

Trouble is, back home, you can date a nice girl, but she won’t let you pukka.

In Australia, they have triple the number of partners than they do back home. That’s good old fashioned Aussie hospitality!

In Australia, they have triple the number of partners than they do back home. Which makes sense – in Australia, they’re not some lice-infested loser arsehole who can’t pull a bird, they’re Exotic International Travellers.

But in England, people are always recommending Australian seafood. So it makes sense that, when they’re here, they try the crabs.

Although British backpackers are often so filthy that when they give you crabs it’s of the fiddler variety.

Well it’s about the only way to get a clap out of a Pom.

I can’t believe they’re using illicit drugs while they’re here! Those illicit drugs are for us! / They must be bringing them with them, because here that kinda thing is ILLEGAL. / It’s bad enough that they’re giving us diseases, but they’re smoking all the good stuff!

The British backpackers could be spreading all sorts of diseases we’ve never even heard of, like geezer, guff and do-wot.

It’s not that we find British backpackers sexually appealing. We just love the feeling when they leave.

And when they get home, they can’t wait to show their friends their holiday crabs. / happy-scabs. / holiday snappers.

STIs are the only biological souvenirs you can carry back on the plane without quarantine.

60 percent of males backpackers and 44 percent of females are using illicit drugs, according to the joint study. Heh heh… joint.

60 percent of males backpackers and 44 percent of females are using illicit drugs, according to the joint study. And they’re all pissed, according to the beer study.

For our own good, it’s about time we released Ivan Milat.

Nelson signs off (GNW 26/10/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

November 2nd, 2009

Former Liberal leader Brendan Nelson tendered his resignation and thanked his constituents with a roadside sign. Although, seeing as he had the worst popularity as a leader in Australian history, he probably could’ve saved time by thanking each supporter individually.

On one side, the sign read “Thank You”. The other side read “…For Nothing, Ya Bastards”.

It reminds me of his earlier sign: “Will lead the Opposition for food”.

Hang on – a Liberal leader being humble… gracious… frugal… come back, Brendan! All is forgiven!

He had a great response. He made nearly 20 bucks cleaning windscreens. / Although he’s still confused why people kept asking him to clean their windscreens. / Although next time he says he might bring a squeegee.

He got many supportive honks. Although he’s not so sure about the hand gestures and the yelling.

And now we know why his popularity was so low – his idea of PR is to stand by the side of the road holding a cardboard sign.

He says he held the sign instead of spending taxpayers’ money on publicity. But the sad truth is, that sign is all he has. (And what bitter irony that the only thing the poor man now owns is a sign saying “Thank You”. Sad. So very sad.)

The ‘Thank You’ sign makes a nice change from his old one, which just read ‘I’m Brendan Nelson’. And this one seems to be working better too.

His other option was to simply write “Thank You” on his enormous forehead. But he didn’t want to freak out the kiddies.

It’s sweet. Thanking all those people for not mentioning his giant forehead.

He’s thanking all the cars for contributing to the climate change that’s making life just as tough for Malcolm. / that got him turfed out of the leadership before it got too hard.

It’s part of Nelson’s new career as an extra in a Bob Dylan film clip.

He’s saying “Thank You” to all the people who voted Liberal. After all, he still couldn’t bring himself to.

Nelson decided to thank the people with the sign rather than a mail campaign that would have cost taxpayers around $15,000. And wouldn’t even have gotten him on the news.

If he’d taken that approach as Defence Minister we could have saved even more money. Rather than purchasing Super Hornets, he could have just stuck up a bunch of signs on the coast saying “Go Away”.

Well, “Screw you Guys, I’m Off To Be An Ambassador To The EU” wouldn’t fit on the cardboard.

Unfortunately he didn’t last long – he was edged out by two hobos and a junkie busker.

Of course, holding a sign like that is the start of a slippery slope – before too long, he’ll be squatting down an alleyway, shitting on himself, muttering. (You know, like Barnaby Joyce.)

It’s all part of his new career, busking for a European Union ambassadorship.

And some passers-by also held up signs saying “Thank You – For Not Busting Out Your Guitar”.

It certainly did save taxpayers money. Malcolm wouldn’t even buy him the paint.

Brendan, Brendan, you spelt it wrong. It’s not spelt “T.H.A.N.K”, it’s spelt “F.U.C.K”.

Citizenship reborn (GNW 26/10/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

November 2nd, 2009

The new Australian citizenship test has dropped questions about Australian sporting heroes. Don Bradman still gets a mention as the “greatest cricketer of all time”, but now that’s only in the pledge.

Unfortunately it’s meant a drop in citizenship applications, as many people just wanted to live here for the cricket trivia.

Instead of cricket trivia the citizenship test will be focussed on civic rights, responsibilities and values. Values? VALUES? When did anyone score a century with values?

Questions on values instead of questions on sport? Surely that’s against our values! / It’s unAustralian!

Another change is the talent quest section, judged by Red Symons. Fortunately many of the applicants don’t even need to black-up!

So the leakiest boat on our shores these days is the Australian citizen-ship.

They’ve scrapped the Bradman questions, and nearly all the questions about what a great guy John Howard is.

And you no longer have to present yourself to the Howard gloryhole.

Although with its new focus on values, John Howard would now fail.

They’ve also removed many of the questions asking about googlies, silly middle-ons, and automatic wikkies.

They had to scrap the Bradman questions. The answers they were getting were just not cricket.

And they’ve got rid of all questions relating to pavlovas. Although now you have to make them one in the Masterchef kitchen. And please, remember presentation is paramount!

Potential immigrants will still be asked questions about the ANZACs. Although any of our defeated soldiers will do. / Which will make it much easier for Turks to enter the country.

The significance of Anzac Day is still included. Because we don’t want any citizens of Australia that don’t realise how good we are at dying.

Bradman will still be mentioned as “the greatest cricketer of all time”. But you will no longer be required to memorise all of his batting averages.

Bradman will still be mentioned as “the greatest cricketer of all time”. But it will also be highlighted that there are more important aspects of Australia than just cricket. There’s also footy and horse racing!

I’m grateful they’re taking sports questions out of the test. At last there might be some new citizens that I can beat at pub trivia.

Although of course they still need to know about cricket. Don’t be silly!

Rather than asking them questions about Don Bradman, the new test is just a few overs. Six and out, you get to stay.

The test has a new focus on values. You know, instead of John Howard’s wet dreams.

But the real clincher is the Invention test.

Afghan Run-off (GNW 26/10/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

November 2nd, 2009

Afghanistan’s fraudulent election win for President Harmid Karzai will be put to the test in a run-off election in November against chief rival Abdullah Abdullah. The United Nations said that the election result was so clearly fraudulent and unreliable that they could only eliminate 34 of the 36 candidates.

Hamid Karzai says he’s confident he will win the run-off election, and his opponent will run off.

The Taliban are holding their own run-off election, where they win 100% of the vote and everyone else runs off.

U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon said it would be a “huge challenge” to pull of the run-off election without the same problems of fraud. No matter how fair Karzai wants to be, fraud just does its own thing. / once voters have been invented, you can’t just kill them. / those Afghanis just can’t be trusted. / the phantom voters have to vote for someone.

Even if the vote is fair, Karzai is still expected to win. But he won’t be able to help himself – it just doesn’t feel like politics without a little corruption.

Of course corruption will be hard to police. With fresh water in short supply, some people still have their fingers marked from the last time they voted.

Taliban militants are also expected to disrupt the run-off election. During the original election, they cut off the ink-marked fingers of those who had voted – though, ironically, this just made it easier to vote again.

In some areas the ink-stained fingers of people who had voted were cut off by Taliban vigilantes. Which is really just a more permanent way of marking them off the roll. / of preventing them voting twice. Now THAT would be corrupt.

In the previous election, Taliban militants cut off the ink-marked fingers of those who had voted. And there’s only so many run-off elections you can vote in before you can no longer hold the ballot paper.

Mr Abdullah has called on Afghani officials to organise a “free, fair, and credible” election, with enough security to ensure voters aren’t intimidated, or at least are intimidated into voting for him instead.

Karzai’s rival Abdullah Abdullah is confident of winning the run-off election. He’s got some fantastic new rigging techniques.

Karzai’s rival Abdullah Abdullah is confident of winning the run-off election, as he and his supporters have been working hard on ballot-stuffing and intimidation. / now that he knows how it’s done.

Despite his record of corruption and fraud, Karzai is still favourite to win. Afghanis couldn’t stand the teasing of having a President named Abdullah Abdullah.

Karzai agreed to the run-off election after a day of intensive talks with US Senator John Kerry, who seems much more concerned with fraud in the Afghani election than he was in the fraud that may have cost him the US Presidency.

Senator Kerry then praised Karzai for his “genuine leadership”. Shame to see him go, really. / It’d be a real shame to lose such a great leader in some sort of, you know, election.

Sure, the elections were corrupt, but only because the Afghanis had no idea that intimidating or killing voters was undemocratic. They’re just new at all this!

Karzai didn’t need to rig the election. It’s just the Afghani way.

But really, who wants to rule a country like Afghanistan? They shouldn’t have a vote – they should pull straws. “Ah, sorry mate – you’re prez.”

Mr Karzai is still the favourite by a long shot. So really, the fact the election was undemocratic is just a lucky coincidence for the USA.

The US is hoping the run-off election will fully legitimise their hand-picked, corrupt, election-rigging puppet.

The US is angry at Karzai. If they had have known he was corrupt and undemocratic, they would’ve hand-picked another puppet!

Obama’s administration wants a credible, legitimate government in Afghanistan, which will in turn win the U.S support for the war back home. Although, I would’ve thought that having a credible and legitimate government in Afghanistan makes it HARDER to justify bombing the living crap out of it.

Mr Karzai is the favourite to win the next election. Which means he probably would’ve won the last one legitimately, if the elections hadn’t been fraught with intimidation and vote-stuffing. Which means the people behind the intimidation and vote-stuffing are most likely the people who benefit most from him NOT being leader – which is the USA. Conspiracy – or standard US foreign policy?

But even if he loses the run-off election, the US has guaranteed Abdullah Abdullah a great career as a Hollywood bad guy.

Trioli gives Barnaby the finger (GNW 26/10/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

November 2nd, 2009

“ABC News Breakfast” host Virginia Trioli was forced to make an apology to Nationals Senator Barnaby Joyce after being caught on camera pulling a face and twirling her finger loony-style. It’s all a terrible misunderstanding. That’s actually sign language for “Barnaby”. / “Coalition”. / “Politician”.

And you should see the faces she pulls when she’s on the radio!

On one hand, it’s hardly a professional way to act while you’re interviewing an esteemed politician. Yet on the other, Joyce is a raving looney.

If someone had’ve done that to John Howard, we might never have gone to war in Iraq.

Still it’s more adult than anything you see in Parliament.

I think we need her in Parliament – she could replace the Speaker of the House.

Of course, Barnaby saw the whole thing. He just thought she was having a conniption.

I think we’ve found a replacement for the election popularity worm – the Trioli face of judgment!

Still, it’s better getting caught for a twirly-finger insane gesture than for the hand gestures she makes when she’s interviewing Rudd. / than for the (tongue in cheek blowjob gesture) she does when she’s interviewing Kevin Rudd.

Joyce: “Penny Wong will have to resign because her position is completely untenable because it goes against everything that she set down in her diatribe which she so, you know, gave with such dictum, on the 9 point plan some time ago.” If Barnaby isn’t a loony, then perhaps he was just having a senior moment. / lapsing into senility.

Once she realised the gesture had gone to air, Trioli apologised to Joyce. But she’ll be damned if she apologises for all the things she did that DIDN’T make it to air.

Trioli later apologised, saying the gesture was not directed at Senator Joyce. She was genuinely having a spaz attack.

Trioli later apologised, though it didn’t count because she had her fingers crossed – nyer nyer!

Trioli is now hosting a new version of Question Time called “Are You Spazzier than a 5th Grader?”

Once she realised the gesture had gone to air, Trioli apologised to Joyce. Well, der Fred.

Joyce accepted her apology, and responded, “Maybe I am crazy. Maybe this isn’t parliament but an asylum. And if I’m not Barnaby, who am I? And then, who is Barnaby?” His school years were an endless loop of philosophy. / And you should have seen the existential crisis he had when he was called a “ploppy pants”.

And tomorrow morning on “ABC News Breakfast”, Trioli will be giving Malcolm Turnbull a wedgie, nipple crippling Joe Hockey, and saying Wilson Tuckey stinks like wee. (Dammit – that’s meant to be my job!)

Fair go, Virginia. He’s not a loony, he’s a NATIONAL. They’re all like that!

Well, it worked for Maxine McKew.

Bryce work if you can keep it (GNW 26/10/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

November 2nd, 2009

In the 13 months since Australia’s first Governor-General Quentin Bryce was sworn in, more than a third of her 85 staff have left. Those Government House guys just can’t stand a chick telling them what to do. Except the Queen, God save ’er.

30 of Government House’s 85 staff have left since Bryce became the GG. But perhaps they just want to get themselves a proper job before the whole place is knocked down and replaced with townhouses.

30 of Government House’s 85 staff have left since Bryce became the GG. But it’s not that she’s a tough boss – she’s just a massive fartarse.

30 of Government House’s 85 staff have left since Bryce became the GG. But it’s not that she’s a mean boss – they’re just sick of always having to pull her finger.

Nearly half of her staff have left. And she says she’s got her eye on the other half – and your little dog too.

The staff can see the writing on the wall. Having a woman as Governor-General is the final step to getting them all fired.

Wow – she’s almost as unpopular as the Queen!

Ms Bryce’s secretary defended her to a Senate committee and refused to outline individual complaints. I mean, he’s not stupid.

In the past year, Bryce has lost a third of her staff and Turnbull’s lost more than half. Sounds like the only Australian leader that’s enjoyable to work for is Kevin Rudd. It’s all worth it for the swearing.

And woe betide anyone who makes a “geegee” joke. / And the man who made a “geegee” crack was never seen again.

Not only is she a tough boss, but she’s forever nagging about the dishes.

More than a third of her staff have left since she came to the role. Although they claim it’s pure coincidence, let’s never speak of it again, shut up or she might hear you…

More than a third of her staff have left since she came to the role. And a television host who made some wisecrack about her was never seen again. Next story…

More than a third of her staff have left since she came to the role. And another third wears long sleeves so the bruises won’t show. / And another third keep “walking into doors”.

No wonder Rudd appointed her. You wouldn’t want to give her the wrong type of meal either.

Mr Rudd yells at you if he gets the wrong meal; Ms Bryce just eats you instead.

Sure, Mr Rudd loses his head sometimes when he gets mad – but when Ms Bryce is angry, you lose yours.

Who would’ve expected such a terrifying amazon would be hiding behind a frail old woman called “Quentin”?

Perhaps they’ve worked out that 85 people is more than is required to prepare the ribbons for cutting.

The Governor-General has 85 staff! That’s one for personal correspondence, one to fax legislation to the Queen, and 83 to prepare the ceremonial ribbons.

There have been rumours she’s been a hard taskmaster. And she’s going to keep abusing staff until someone finds her a crown!

But many of the staff have left after a misunderstanding. They thought they were going to work for Quentin Tarantino.

Good to see that Australia’s very own Quentin is just as capable of going all “Reservoir Dogs”.

Working hard to make a living
White linen in his veins
Quentin Bryce
Ain’t very nice
So he moves into middle-management in the retail sector

There once was a woman named Bryce
Who apparently wasn’t that nice
Her staffers all left
And so, quite bereft,
She went home and tortured some mice.

There once was a woman named Bryce
Who apparently wasn’t that nice
Her staffers were keen
To work for Quentiiiiin
But now they’re all paying the price.

There once was a woman named Bryce
Who apparently wasn’t that nice
Initially keen
To work for the Queen,
Her staff are now paying the price.

Shoefiti (GNW 26/10/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

November 2nd, 2009

Shoefiti is back! Sydney is seeing a renaissance in the trend of throwing shoes over powerlines. It’s like graffiti, but much harder to paint over! / but also gets rid of unwanted shoes.

It’s usually done with sneakers, as it’s really hard to get the balance right with a pair of Blundstones.

Shoefiti is a great way of expressing yourself artistically, particularly if you’re a talentless moron with too many shoes. / particularly if all you’ve got to express is ‘look, shoes’.

Shoefiti is a great form of public artistry if you can’t afford spray-paint and no-one will buy your shoes.

The strangest shoe-haul was in Cronulla two years ago, when 30 right-footed K-Swiss shoes were found hanging from power lines. Probably just a one-legged man who’d taken advantage of a decent half-price deal.

Theories abound as to what the shoes signify. It’s thought that sneakers may mark drug dealers, GPs signify graduating army cadets, and thigh-high CFMs mean brothels. / and that junior-sized ballet shoes represent a psychopathic child-killer with too much time on his hands.

Some say the shoes mark a gang-related murder, especially if the person in question was killed for their shoes.

Some say the shoes mark a gang-related murder – although if the person in question was killed for their shoes, you might think the thief would take better care of them.

One explanation is that it’s just a bunch of unrealistic magpies who are particularly bad at making nests. / bunch of nests built by really incompetent magpies.

A common theory is that the shoes signify a nearby illicit drug house, as you’d have to be completely munted to throw your shoes over power lines.

Anthropologists say that the common theory that the shoes mark drug dealers is unlikely to be true, as drug dealers have shithouse coordination.

Many believe that drug-runners use the shoes to identify where their houses are. It’s known as the “might as well put up a big sign saying DRUG DEALER” technique.

Many believe that drug-runners use the shoes to identify where their houses are. And only if that doesn’t increase trade do they have to erect the big sign saying “DRUG DEALER”.

Many believe that drug-runners use the shoes to identify where their houses are. Because what drug-dealers want to do most of all is let the general public know where they live.

But why would it signify drug dealers? Surely it would be better to signify overstocked shoe sellers. / shoe shops having a stocktake sale.

Though for an even better indication of heroin and crack dealers, look for the pallid corpse slung over the power lines.

One theory is that it signifies tight-rope walkers who really should’ve taken better care tying up their laces.

There are many theories as to why the shoes are there, ranging from drug-runners to gang warfare. But by far the best explanation is that our teenagers simply have too many shoes.

Others believe that the shoes mark the borderlines of gangland turf. Clearly it’s the newbies who are giving the job of standing in at the edges slinging footwear. / Because nothing says ‘don’t mess with us’ like unattended footwear.

But of course there’s a rational explanation. It’s clearly just the sneaker fairy making an offering to the gods of electrical infrastructure.

I know! They’re not shoes at all – they’re alien life forms DISGUISED as shoes, who have come down for a closer look and ZAP! been killed by the powerlines. I mean, what else could it be?

Another theory is that it’s just the work of extremely tall nocturnal footwear washers, simply hanging their work out to dry.

A Sydney anthropologist said that all the theories are wrong, and that the culprits are probably “young people”. After all, he’s pretty sure those meddlesome kids are up to SOMETHING.

The practice is known as “shoefiti”, but only by one or two bored copy editors who really think that some hanging footwear is actually news. / is actually printworthy current affairs.

Just like graffiti, most shoefiti is just tagging, but the best shoefiti artists can spell their name out across a suburb in laceless boots. / ballet flats.

It’s pretty weird finding your neighbourhood strung up with shoes – but not as strange as finding it strung up with feet.

But shoefiti can be a menace, causing power outages that far outweigh the old days when hooligans used to simply cut down power poles with their sneakers.

The Indonesian Solution (GNW 26/10/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

November 2nd, 2009

The Government is divided on whether a bounty should be paid for every boat or asylum seeker stopped by Indonesian authorities. The Indonesians are hoping it will be adopted, as they have plenty of their own boats they’re just dying to stop.

The Government is divided on whether a bounty should be paid for every boat or asylum seeker stopped by Indonesian authorities, or whether we should just blow the bastards up.

The Prime Minister refuses to say how much he is willing to pay Indonesian bounty-hunters to prevent boat-people getting to our shores. That’s either because it’s embarrassingly large, or embarrassingly small.

Rudd says the amount he’s paying the Indonesians is a secret, but he’s asked retailers to stock up on trinkets.

The Prime Minister refuses to say how much he is willing to pay Indonesian bounty-hunters to prevent boat-people getting to our shores. But you can guarantee it’s more than he’s willing to pay for Australian schools and hospitals…

Rudd won’t say how much he’s paying the Indonesians. He’s hoping to hide it in the Budget under the stationery allowance. / under petty cash.

The Prime Minister refuses to say how much he is willing to pay Indonesian bounty-hunters to prevent boat-people getting to our shores. Not because he’s embarrassed – he really just has no idea. / Which is a shame – John Howard is after another job…

Rudd says it isn’t at all like the Pacific Solution, as some of Indonesia is in the Indian Ocean.

It’s very generous. Enough asylum seekers and we can drag Indonesia out of recession too!

He has refused to confirm or deny the rumour that a bounty will be paid for each boat the Indonesians stop from reaching our shores. But he has repeatedly mentioned the benefits of coconut rolled in thick milk chocolate.

Rudd has refused to deny the rumour that Indonesians stopping people-smugglers will be paid a bounty. But he has categorically ruled out any payment by Cherry Ripe. / After all, they might prefer to be paid in Polly Waffles.

The government would much rather pay Indonesians millions of dollars to stop refugees coming here than spend the same amount helping them flee from war and persecution. Good to see those Howard days are long gone…

I’m glad we are paying millions of dollars to Indonesia to help us with boatpeople. After all, we know they’ll only target people who aren’t genuine refugees. And they’ll really sort out those pesky Timorese!

I’m glad we are paying millions of dollars to Indonesia to help us wipe out that refugee problem. After, they’ve already proven themselves with the way they handled that East Timor problem.

I’m glad we are paying millions of dollars to Indonesia to help us wipe out that refugee problem. Especially those refugees fleeing the brutality of the Indonesians.

Let’s face it, it’s going to be much easier for asylum seekers fleeing poverty, war and persecution to fit in in Indonesia, particularly the parts effected by poverty, war and persecution.

The Indonesians are happy to take on any and all asylum seekers. Especially from East Timor… / Those darkies will fit right in.

Indonesians are happy to offer asylum to anyone. After all, any terrorist threats will just assimilate right in to Jamaah Islamiyah.

Even if the asylum seekers rise up and overthrow the people smugglers, we’ll still pay a bounty on the mutiny.

Big Kevin says there’s “nothing remarkable” about the process. Makes you wonder why so many of us are remarking on it.

Although if there are too many asylum seekers, the bounties may bankrupt the Australian Government, resulting in a breakdown of civil order and a brutal police crackdown, sending people fleeing our shores seeking asylum from Indonesia… and imagine how much we’ll have to pay them then!

Good News Italy (GNW 26/10/09: A Thousand Words)

November 2nd, 2009

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is taking his media control to the world, setting up a taskforce to monitor foreign news and bombard global newsrooms with good news about Italy. But doesn’t he realise? The sex scandals ARE good news – we all want a leader we can laugh at!

Silvio’s planning to spread good news about Italy to the rest of the world. As if we’re going to report that… now, back to the hookers.

But it’s going to have to be pretty entertaining news to replace the hookers.

He may not like newspapers reporting on his sexual exploits or his impotence, but at least it gets him talked about. Kevin Rudd’s impotence never makes the world papers.

Sure, he sleeps with underage hookers – yet the damn media still insists on portraying him as some kinda dirty old pervie!

But the world’s media isn’t anti-Italian – it’s anti-Silvio-Berlusconi.

From now on, the media will only report stories of when Silvio does something to make the country proud. They’re confident it’ll happen one day.

But there’s lots of great news about Italy that the media should be reporting. What about that Colosseum, huh? That’s a bloody wonder of the world, yet the media doesn’t say a word about it. CONSPIRACY!

But there’s lots of great news about Italy that the media should be reporting. What about spaghetti, huh? It’s DELICIOUS!

The special squad of propaganda journalists will inundate global news services with good news about Italy… when there IS some.

Silvio doesn’t understand why the world’s media seems obsessed with his sex scandals and legal woes when there’s barely a peep about it in any of the Italian media that he owns.

Berlusconi insists there’s plenty of good news in Italy, as any media outlet he owns will tell you.

Berlusconi insists there’s plenty of good news in Italy. Well, there is if you’re a filthy rich media-baron Prime Minister.

If only the international media would pay less attention to Silvio’s sexual peccadillos and more to his achievements. Which we thought were the same thing.

But with the whole world talking about how much sex Silvio gets, it’s hard to know what he considers a good news story.

The Tourism Minister says that media attacks on Berlusconi are affecting exports and “we cannot allow that”. And they wouldn’t, if only they’d won World War 2.

Berlusconi can control the media at home, but his foreign image is in tatters. It’s exactly the same problem that confronted Mussolini. / the Fascists.

But if it wasn’t for the adventures of Silvio’s wang, we wouldn’t even hear about Italy.

It seems like every global media story about Italy lately has been focussed on the Prime Minister’s sex scandals and legal troubles. Haven’t they heard about the new pasta sauce? / It’s almost like they don’t care about Milan’s soccer results. / When there are so many hot Italian chicks they could be distracted by. / And yet there’s such fascinating tax reform taking place.

The plan was announced by the Tourism Minister, Michela Vittoria Brambilla, a former beauty contestant. And she says the good news is that the cabinet is just chockers with beauties like her! Coincidentally.

Ms Brambilla is living proof of the glory of Italy, a country where even former beauty contestants can make a decent living. / where even their politicians have to be hot.

Of course, if he wants us to report some more positive news from Italy, maybe he should stop being such a pervy old rootrat.

Australia could do with a similar campaign. After all, the only things foreigners have heard about us lately is that we beat up Indians and dress up as gollywogs.

Kevin Rudd’s also hoping to improve Australia’s image on the world stage, by planting stories in the media suggesting that he does occasionally have sex. (And sometimes, it’s not even missionary! WOOF WOOF!)

Madonna’s neighbours (GNW 26/10/09: Clash Of The Titans)

November 2nd, 2009

Madonna is the subject of a lawsuit being brought by her neighbours who have been forced to listen to her rehearsing. They’re suing the manager of the apartment block, since the judge is less likely to own any of his albums. / since they refuse to sue Madonna. She’s the greatest!

Madonna has defended herself, saying, “Whatever. I’m Madonna.”

Madge says, “I shouldn’t have to Justify My Love for Music, you’re allowed to Express Yourself, This Used To Be My Playground, but now they’ve Frozen out this Material Girl, so Papa, Don’t Preach, get Into The Groove or go on Holiday!”

The neighbours are retaliating by cranking up “The Immaculate Collection” to remind her how much better she used to be.

Apparently it’s so loud, they can’t even listen to their Madonna albums.

But surely a lawsuit isn’t the way to go. The neighbours could be selling tickets! / Sell your apartment for a fortune to a rabid fan and let Madge deal with the drillholes in the wall.

They’re objecting to all the loud bangings and vocalisations. I mean, it’s bad enough when she’s playing loud music. / And it’s even worse when she plays loud music.

Not only are there loud bangings and vocalisations at all hours of the night, but sometimes she’s even playing music.

And quite frankly they’re sick of having to hear her granny-vadge rasping around in those leotards. / putting up with having to see a granny in leotards. / having to see her old dry cameltoe around the building.

Even worse is the unavoidable glimpses of cellulite squeezing into leotard. / wrinkles squeezing into leotard.

The managers of the apartment block have already threatened Madonna with eviction. If she’s not careful, she might be forced to stay at one of her other multi-million dollar penthouses. Poor thing.

The managers of the apartment block have already threatened Madonna with eviction. If by “threatened” you mean “meekly approached”, and if by “eviction” you mean “cringing apology”.

The managers of the apartment block have already threatened Madonna with eviction. If by “threatened” you mean “well, we called her apartment but no-one answered”, and if by “eviction” you mean “I hope she likes roses, maybe another dozen just to make sure”.

It’s bad enough that they have to listen to her rehearse. But they’re really afraid that her bras will take out a kiddie’s eye.

One neighbour said that if he had to hear Madonna rehearse, she could at least let them see her rehearse another pash with Britney.

Upstairs neighbour Karen George says that with up to three hours a day of Madonna’s blaring and thumping, it’s almost impossible to listen to her death metal. / practice her drumming.

You know what they say – never meet your heroes. They might rehearse for three hours a day on your roof. / under your floor.

Managers of the block have asked Madonna for a rehearsal schedule so other residents could be notified, and they could sell tickets.

Complaints have been particularly strong from a British man who only identified himself as “Guy R.”

Still, at least she’s not forcing them to watch her dance. BLEAURGH.

Nasal Brazilian (GNW 26/10/09: Strange But True)

November 2nd, 2009

Brazilian waxing is now being offered in a whole new place – your nostrils. It’s called getting a Nazilian.

Although without nasal hair, you’ve got no protection against dust and colds. So your unsightly nasal hair will be replaced by a far more attractive snot moustache.

You can easily tell people who’ve had the nasal-hair-removing treatment. They’re the ones with a sticky river of snot oozing down into their mouths. / They’re the ones with their noses clogged with expensive wax.

It can stop you having a visible panting line. / hanky line.

It’s actually just a revival of an old technique, dating back at least as far as Hitler.

You can either go a full Nazilian, or leave yourself a little muff-stache.

Some people like the full nasal Brazilian, but most prefer to leave a little tuft in each nostril.

It’s the perfect way to encourage your partner to try nasal sex.

The procedure’s not only painless, it’s also bloody stupid.

It’s the perfect way to show your partner that you’re a superficial egomaniac with low self-esteem.

It’s the best way to get a smooth and silky pick.

And unlike the standard Brazilian, you can show it off all-day, every day.

After all, nothing’s worse than when you get a nostril hair stuck in the back of your throat.

After all, nothing’s worse than when you’re getting intimate with a special someone and you get your fly caught on her nostril hair. / and she gets her nostril hair caught on your zipper.

It not only gives you a nice smooth nostril, but you get to wear goggles that make you look even more like an android.

And at the end of the procedure you have snotty-wax on a stick.

Though you do have to do it regularly. Nostril stubble is gross. / can shred your picking-finger.

It’s pain-free and only costs ten bucks. The only thing tweezers have over waxing is that you can use them to imitate a crocodile.

And best of all, they use your old nostril-wax to make personalised meals for the Prime Minister.

It’s all part of a trend towards hairlessness. Understandably, people want to be reptiles.

Fundamentalists are especially keen to get plucked. They want to remove any last trace of anything that could remind them they might be related to monkeys.

It’s all part of a trend towards hairlessness. Clearly, we think it’s really attractive to look like an embryo.

But, for a perfect sensual experience, wax your head, cut off your eyelashes, and get your teeth and nails pulled out. Mmm-mmmm! / HOTT!

Coitus Arrestus (GNW 26/10/09: Strange But True)

November 2nd, 2009

A Northern Territory couple were sprung having sex in the back of a paddy wagon while being taken to a cop station. You’re getting to home in the back of a divvy van!

They were arrested for drunk-and-disorderly behaviour, or as they called it, getting to second base.

“You’re going down in the back of a divvy van…”

Well, it’s less public than where they were planning to have sex.

You’ll never believe it, but they were arrested for being DRUNK. No, really?

A couple has been caught having sex in the back of a paddy wagon while being driven to the police station. I know nothing gets me going more than the thought of being trapped behind bars with a tattooed guy named Spider.

They were really turned on by the thought of all the prison sex.

Being chucked into the the divvy van got them excited, but what really turned them on was the cavity search.

Who do you have to get arrested by for a bit of privacy around here?

They’re lucky they didn’t feel a cop cop a feel.

She just can’t resist a bad boy.

They were subsequently arrested for not wearing their seat belts, setting off a perpetual arrest cycle.

The 18-year-old driver behind them noticed the couple pashing at one set of lights, and screwing at the next. She then followed the paddy wagon, hoping to get a good shot for Funniest Home Videos.

It was just a quickie. After all, the sign did say “speed hump”.

The police officer driving didn’t make any attempt to stop them. After all, it was HOT HOT HOT. / He didn’t want to ruin the video. / He didn’t want to ruin the CCTV footage.

The officer said to them “you’ll have to come with me”, so they did.

It gives a whole new meaning to “coming with police”.

It was the cop’s fault really, with all that talk of stiff fines, rigorous prosecution, and hot throbbing vulva.

The two have now been remanded in custody. At least, it had the consistency of custard. / Well, it looked pretty custard-y. / Although it may have been semen-y.

A couple having sex in the back of the van was one place the long arm of the law wasn’t game to go.

The policeman claims he didn’t even notice they were having sex, he was too busy masturbating. / The paddy wagon driver said he was unable to prevent them from having sex as he hadn’t finished beating off.

Of course, once he got them to the station, it became an all-out orgy.

They only decided on the divvy van sex after a few divvy van bongs.

They only decided on having sex in the paddy wagon when they got bored of graffitiing it.

The back of a paddy wagon is about the only place you can break the law these days without a cop looking over your shoulder.

They would’ve had sex earlier, but until then they hadn’t found anywhere they could shoot up.

Ah, I love it. It’s great when the long arm of the law is defeated by the sweaty sex meat of the human spirit! / by the stinky wet slapping flesh of young love.

Good Next Week (GNW 26/10/09: closing)

November 2nd, 2009

Tuesday, October 27
The inquiry into govt. economic stimuli will report tomorrow. And if they don’t like it, the government is thinking maybe they should throw some cash at them.

The inquiry into govt. economic stimuli will report tomorrow. And if it turns out the whole thing was a waste of money, well, too late now isn’t it.

In Sydney, the Duke Of Edinburgh Awards will be presented. And if Phil has a say in it, I’m guessing he might plump for those hilarious Jackson Jive chaps.

The Biotechnology Conference begins in Melbourne tomorrow, featuring a keynote speech from something that used to be a warthog.

The N.A.B. will release its full-year results on a little slip out of the ATM.

Wednesday, October 28
On Wednesday, the N.S.W. Export Awards will be presented, somewhere overseas.

On Wednesday, Brisbane will host the Japanese Film Festival. All the movies are pressed on blubber.

On Wednesday, Brisbane will host the Japanese Film Festival. It’s a thin film of seaweed.

Brisbane will host the Japanese Film Festival. Tokyo must have been booked out.

Brisbane will host the Japanese Film Festival on Wednesday, while Tokyo hosts their annual sheep dip convention. / hosts the symposium on sheep-dip and footy.

The nominations for the 2009 AFI Awards are expected to be dominated by “Samson & Delilah”, “Mary & Max”, “Charlie & Boots” and “Failures & Debt”.

On Wednesday Michael Jackson’s “This Is It” concert film will premiere in Sydney. Ooh, I wonder what happens in the end?

Wednesday sees the Sydney premiere of Michael Jackson’s concert film “This Is It”. Turns out, that’s it. / Turns out, it really IS it. / And that was it for Michael.

In Sydney, Michael Jackson’s “This Is It” concert film will premiere. Already a fake version of the film has been released, although it was thoughtfully titled “This Isn’t It”.

In Sydney, Michael Jackson’s “This Is It” concert film will premiere. It’s just like seeing Jacko in person, except without the annoying having to pay him part. / without the creepy zombie aspect.

On Wednesday, Crown Limited will hold its annual general meeting, where they’ll decide who gets to wear the crown next year.

In Canberra, the inquiry into anti-terrorism law reform will report, although any unwanted results will be disappeared.

In Canberra, the inquiry into anti-terrorism law reform’s report on Wednesday will go horribly wrong when it is arrested on no charge, held indefinitely without any legal support, then silently disappears. / then gets sent to Egypt for “rendering”.

Thursday, October 29
Thursday’s National Day of Turkey will be ruined when someone brings chicken.

Thursday’s National Day of Turkey can be stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken to create a whole National Week of Turducken.

The Sydney Sexpo will be opened by John Della-Bosca.

Thursday’s National Architecture Awards gets off to a great start when someone actually turns up. / actually turns out to be interested.

No-one will win Thursday’s National Architecture Awards. So it’s back to the old drawing board.

The National Architecture Awards will be exposed as a thin façade.

Friday, October 30
There will be controversy on Friday, when the official National Bandanna Day Big Band has their Big Band Bandanna banned.

Friday’s National Bandanna Day will be ruined when a typo results in patrons attempting to strap curved yellow fruits to their heads.

On Friday, Sydney will host the NSW Health Awards & Expo. Makes more sense than holding it in Hobart…

On Friday, Melbourne will host the International Digital Entertainment Expo. Discover new ways of entertaining yourself with one digit!

On Friday, Melbourne will host the 10th annual Rural Medicine conference. Apparently, they can use the same kinds of medicine the folks in the Big Smoke use! Well now I’ve heard everything.

On Friday, Melbourne will host the 10th annual Rural Medicine conference. Should be rurally good.

Saturday, October 31
Saturday is Halloween! The night of nights for the creepiest, most horrifying, most ghoulish creatures under the sun – American children!

In Glen Innes, it’s the Land of the Beardies festival, celebrating the town’s heritage & history with an array of music performed by numerous bands of hirsute men. Musicians without beards will start a rival festival: Shorn and Unwanted. / will be shunned or locked up.

In our national capital, it’s “Stonefest ‘09”, commemorating the foundation of the University of Canberra. Don’t tell the witches, they’ll just use the stone to sacrifice something.

In our national capital, Saturday is “Stonefest”. Bah – in Canberra, EVERY day is Stonefest.

Saturday brings our nation’s capital “Stonefest ‘09”, commemorating the foundation of the University of Canberra by getting shitfaced on marijuana.

Sydney will host the World Dog Games on Saturday. Unfortunately, once you’re there you have to staaaay… staaaay… staaaay…. good boy!

Sydney will host the World Dog Games on Saturday. They’re the best games in the world, yes they are, yes they are, who’s a good little games then, you are, yes you are, what a good little gamesy-wamesy.

Sydney will host the World Dog Games. Good to see them throwing Belinda Neal a bone.

Saturday is the Perth Pride Parade. Just a tip for the guys, you don’t have to be standing proud.

Saturday is Perth’s ‘Pride Parade’, W.A.’s version of Mardi Gras. It’s like Mardi Gras, but everyone’s dressed sensibly, walking down the road without making a big fuss, and still in the closet.

Sunday, November 01
In Mexico, Sunday is the Day Of The Dead. Never a big turnout.

In Mexico, it’s the Day Of The Dead. Like they’re going to care. / appreciate it.

Sunday is Mexico’s Day Of The Dead. I guess they ran out of living things to hand out days to.

In Sydney on Sunday, it’s the Cruelty Free Living Festival. Awesome – free cruelty!

Sunday’s ‘Cruelty Free Living Festival’ in Sydney will get off to a bad start when it’s double booked with the Dancing Bear Cockfight Championships. / with the Dancing Bears on Fire Festival.

On Sunday, it’ll be 30 years since China introduced the one-child policy. It’s working so well, they’re introducing a no-child policy – in Tibet.

It’ll be 30 years since China introduced the one-child policy, and yet I’m sure at the Olympics there were heaps of children. Go figure.

Monday, November 02
Perth will host the final of the Australian Singing Competition. It’s like Idol without ad breaks.

On Monday, Perth will host the final of the Australian Singing Competition. The perfect town to host such a grandly-titled event.

On Monday, Sydney will host the Prime Minister’s Literary Awards. The winner will be the guy who came up with “fair shake of the sauce bottle”.

Sydney will host the Prime Minister’s Literary Awards. Should be f-ing good.

On Monday, Malcolm Turnbull will be at the Australia-Israel Chamber of Commerce. He’ll go anywhere they’ll have him. / Hopefully he won’t be mistaken for a suicide bomber.

Monday’s Melbourne Cup Parade will end in tragedy when a pile up means that a dozen jockeys have to be destroyed.

The Melbourne Cup Parade will get off to a poor start when the only entrants are a bunch of Melbourne cups.

On Monday, the latest radio ratings will be released. If they can find any. / That’s right – ray-dee-oh. Ask your parents.

The latest radio ratings will be released, revealing that, unfortunately, Kyle and Jackie O still have listeners.

The Bureau of Statistics will release the housing prices index. Houses of bricks remain markedly dearer than those of sticks and straw.

Asylum play (GNW 19/10/09: monologue)

October 21st, 2009

There’s a deadly civil war in Sri Lanka, so what do we send over? Food? No. Medical supplies? No. We send them street theatre.

And if you’ve ever seen any street theatre, you’ll know exactly why it deters people.

Of course, it’s not the street theatre’s message that keeps them away – more the quality of the acting.

But these people are in a war zone! The acting’s going to have to be pretty bloody awful to be worse than that.

Unfortunately, compared to being blown to pieces in a war, a play about crowded boats still seems pretty appealing, no matter how dodgy the acting.

The government’s finally decided on a strategy to stem the flow of boat-people: theatre! Rudd’s a great fan of the arts, which is why his solution to so many things is to “put on a show!”

The play is said to be so moving, people are flooding in from all over.

Tickets for the play are in such high demand that to watch it you have to wait for several months, in a high-security offshore facility.

I tried to get a ticket to see the play, but people kept jumping the queue.

Advertising agency Saatchi & Saatchi have been mounting street theatre in Sri Lanka to warn people that their efforts to escape to Australia will be in vain. And if you do make it, that you’ll have to deal with more street theatre. / Although street theatre can have the effect of sending people screaming for a boat out of there.

We’re trying our best to deter Sri Lankans from coming. The trouble is, we keep beating up Indians by mistake.

The actors will play the role of people smugglers, and will use their acting skills to tell the locals that the journey to Australia is full of danger, disaster, and mime.

With 250 thousand people displaced in the Sri Lankan civil war, we’d rather spend millions of dollars on employing an advertising company to trick refugees into not coming to Australia, than spend the same amount on food, medical supplies, or aid – you know, the stuff that might actually give them an actual reason to not want to leave in the first place.

Although, with 250 thousand people already displaced by warfare, sending them street theatre is really just kicking them while they’re down. / rubbing salt into the wounds.

Posters, street banners and church-distributed literature is also being used to encourage the average Sri Lankan that Australia really really sucks.

Unfortunately the street theatre, poster and banner campaign hasn’t deterred people. In fact our tourism board ought to try the “Australia doesn’t want you” campaign. / “Australia – you’ll never make it!” campaign.

Actors play people smugglers, and teach the audience the perils of an attempted escape to Australia by sticking them on a leaky boat and crossing the Indian Ocean.

Of course, the very best actors are the ones that actually smuggle people to Australia, just to really get into the role.

The plotline is fairly simple: the people smugglers ask for some volunteers from the audience, who they then lock up offshore for several months.

Using street actors will hopefully work better than using jugglers and mimes. (Although if they really want to scare people into not coming over, maybe they should use clowns.)

And if street theatre doesn’t scare ‘em, nothing will.

And if that doesn’t keep them away, they’re going to show them Australia The Movie. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

The Sri Lankan actors are grateful for the chance to play people-smugglers. It’s a real chance to break out of their day jobs as people-smugglers.

It’s not going to work. The autocue is a dead giveaway.

Although, frankly, if being locked up in detention centre or being crammed into a leaking boat aren’t deterrents enough, I’m not sure street-theatre’s going to cut it.

The People Smugglers – starring Joe Hockey as Christmas Island!

It’s a royal frigate of the Australian navy! Where? Behind you! Where? Behind you!

Eaten out of house and planet (GNW 19/10/09: monologue)

October 21st, 2009

In the next 50 years, the world’s population will eat as much food as it has consumed so far over the entirety of human history. And it will read a million times as many emails!

In the next 50 years, the world’s population will eat as much food as it has consumed so far over the entirety of human history. Although not as many dodos. / far fewer dodos.

Humans will eat as much food in the next 50 years as it has consumed over human history. Even leaving room for dessert. / And the next day, we’ll still be hungry.

New crisis everyone! In the next 50 years, the world’s population will eat as much food as it has consumed over human history! But it shouldn’t be a problem, so long as we can have some of that delicious Soylent Green.

Too many people, not enough food – and yet this dire situation can be easily reversed if we simply allow cannibalism! / and yet the governments of this world still insist on outlawing cannibalism.

The future is clear – either you will be one of the eaters, or one of the eaten. / eat or be et.

Food production is going to be one of the biggest concerns in the coming years. Phhh – just add it to the pile…

Food production is going to be one of the biggest concerns in the coming years. Except, of course, for rising sea levels, global warming, running out of petrol, overpopulation, pollution, peak oil, water shortage, or any of the other six million problems we’re already freaking out about.

Running out of food is no big deal – most of us will have already drowned in the hot polluted seas, been killed by the next superbug, or been wiped out in the wars over petrol and water. Hooray!

But although there will be a great food shortage, there should fortunately still be plenty of McDonald’s.

However the researchers say there will be plenty of food for worms.

There’s one easy solution to this problem – climate change!

While we can no longer simply clear more forest and farm more marginal land, there are plenty of cemeteries just wasting their protein on worms.

The problem is that we’ve run out of room to simply clear more forest and farm more marginal land. We’re going to have to start building farms UP. / split-level farms. / going to have to develop mezzanine agriculture.

The problem is that we’ve run out of room to simply clear more forest and farm more marginal land. We’re going to have to start clear-felling the suburbs.

It’s not that hard to solve. All those empty naturestrips could become luscious veggie gardens, all those wasted rooftops could become permacultured foodcrops, and we could plant a giant orchard where Parliament House used to be.

To solve the problem, the government is going to implement a rigid water-use schedule, a one-child policy, and start the annual “Eat Your Neighbour” Week. / human-cull.

Hooray! In the future, we’ll all be supermodels!

Sure, we might not have enough to live on, but at least it’ll combat the obesity epidemic.

It’s not all bad news – those of us that survive will be sleek and slender.

But this is only bad news if you don’t like starving to death.

It might just mean we have to be a little bit less fussy about what we eat. Pandas, whales, chimps: your days are numbered.

It’s OK, we can just live on oil. / plastic. Can’t we?

And as we devour the planet, just remember the good things about humanity. We can talk about it.

How ironic that the only species able to comprehend its own mortality is the one desperately hastening it?

This isn’t really new knowledge. It just that the papers were a bit low on disaster stories this week.

Wailing whalers (GNW 19/10/09: monologue)

October 21st, 2009

Japan’s new left wing government has already begun overhauling the country’s whaling policies – by asking for Australia to help prevent the violent attacks. On the WHALERS!

The Japanese government argues that, as there really aren’t that many countries left that practice whaling, they’re actually an endangered species. / they’re actually an endangered species and should be left alone to breed.

Thank goodness someone is willing to stand up on principal for an endangered species like whalers.

But Australia says they can’t prevent conservation groups attacking whalers. They say they’re only doing it for research purposes.

But Australia says they won’t prevent conservation groups attacking whalers. After all, there’s not much that a conservationist can attack. (And we’ve all got to attack SOMETHING.)

And you think killing whales is cruel, you should see how they butcher their seaweed! BRUTAL. / And you think killing whales is cruel, you should see how they butcher their nori rolls! BRUTAL.

After 50 years of conservative party rule, the new left-wing government is far more compassionate. Especially towards brutal whale-slaughterers.

Never forget, whale mutilators are people too!

Groups like Sea Shepherd say of course they should be allowed to use violent methods against the whalers. It’s not as if they’re whales!

The whalers say violent attacks on them by conservation groups like Sea Shepherd are completely unfair. They’re such itty-bitty little targets. / They’re far too quick to accurately harpoon.

They don’t call them “wailers” for nothing.

They’re not just whalers, they’re whingers too.

The moratorium allows whales to be killed for “lethal research”. For instance they got some excellent results from their recent research into the effectiveness of harpoons.

Although, really, if Hindu activists were attacking Australian abattoirs to stop our slaughter of cows, I can imagine our government being pretty pissed off too. And after all, what are whales but giant cows that live in the ocean?

I can understand the Japanese being upset about it all. I mean, without a nice bit of juicy whalemeat now and then, all they’ve got is raw fish and seaweed. / raw fish, seaweed and that green stuff that tastes like Agent Orange.

But in a lot of ways, whale-hunting is a lot more humane than the way we raise our food-animals. At least whales are free-range.

Whales spend their entire life doing whatever they want, in the limitless freedom of the ocean, before being unexpectedly hunted and killed. Our pigs and cows spend their entire lives chained up in cold concrete cells, knee deep in their own shit, eating artificial processed grain mixed with dead animals. And who is calling who inhumane? / I’m just not sure why we think we have the moral high ground here. / Um, who has the moral high ground here?

Instead of hunting whales in the ocean, the Japanese should be breeding whales in concrete sheds, where they’re chained up in cramped cells for their entire lives, knee-deep in their own shit, until they are shot in the head with a bolt gun. (That’s the way WE treat OUR food-animals… / Do those uppity Japs think they’re better than we are?)

Kill one whale, and you have more meat than 20 cows. And more blubber than 100 cows. And more baleen than any number of cows you can imagine. / than all the cows in history.

With both sides of Japanese politics confirmed to be in favour of whaling, there’s only going to be one way we’re going to stop it. Give the whales the bomb.

Given the unwillingness of anyone to stop Sea Shepherd, the Japanese government is now developing the Sea Wolf.

The Japanese government claims that the very fact the organisation is called “Sea Shepherd” means even the protesters realise that whales are really just the lamb of the oceans.

Holden Cop Car (GNW 19/10/09: What’s The Story?)

October 21st, 2009

Holden have converted their old Statesman design into a purpose-built police car for the United States. You can easily spot them by their fluffy lights. / fuzzy lights.

Not only are American cops going to be driving Holdens, but they’ll be trained in the correct way to perform burnouts and doughies.

The car will be perfect for when they need to drive Macka to the footy. / chip shop. / bottle-o.

Of course, it can be hard for the American police force to properly understand the idiosyncrasies of the Aussie vehicle. They just look at you blankly when ya tell em to ease off the okey doke when they change pigs’ ears.

Unfortunately, the vehicles all drive on the left hand side of the road, and there’s a Cold Chisel best-of stuck in the tape deck.

It’s the perfect car if they need to chase a criminal, pull over a speeding car, or just cart a few slabs back to Trevor’s place for the footy comp.

Holden have converted their old Statesman design into a purpose-built police car for the United States. Unfortunately, Johnno and Spaz refuse to get out, so they’re going to have to be part of the package.

Might get them a big market in the States, but there’s likely to be a backlash locally. If there’s one thing we hate more than a cop car, it’s a cop car full of Americans. / If there’s one thing we hate more than Americans, it’s American cops.

It’s easy – just turn the beer holder into a coffee holder and you’re done!

All they had to do is give the cars a paintjob, whack on some police lights, and hose the bong-water off the back seat. / and take off the “if this car is rockin” sticker.

Holden’s executive director of sales and marketing said “It’s our ticket to the dance. Now we need to go out and really impress the judges.” Now that’s the sort of talk that gets engines revving!

It should be an easy sale. You know how American cops love donuts. / All they have to do is tell the American cops it’s the perfect car for doing donuts.

They’re also fitting up some vehicles for undercover work, though given that the Holdens will only be used for police work, the only disguise is as cashed-up bogan tourists. But the cops are enjoying boning up on their Os-sy accents.

The American cops are delighted with the new Holdens. Now finally Sheila will stop giving them the cold shoulder. / finally they can invite Shazza to the end-of-year barn dance.

The long wheelbase Holden Statesman/Caprice has plenty of room in the back for apprehended criminals, or for slipping it to Shazza the sharpie. / or just for bangin’ the missus.

They’re also fitting up some vehicles for undercover work. So look out crims – your new bogan friends Macca and Spaz may not be who they appear.

All over the Bronx, there’ll be a new chant: “You’re going home in the back of a divvy van…”

Unfortunately it may well result in a crime spree from homesick expats.

The American cops are loving the Holdens, although they really wish Daz and Johnno would stop farting in the back seat. / would stop being such backseat drivers. / would stop smoking bongs in the back seat while they’re on duty. / would let them turn off the Acca Dacca.

The old chant “Football, meat pies, kangaroos and Holden cars” will be rebadged as “Beatings, donuts, big fat pigs and divvy vans”.

It was either try out the Holdens, or go back to using Minis. / unicycles.

Ford lovers are currently suffering in their jocks.

Robot Locusts (GNW 19/10/09: What’s The Story?)

October 21st, 2009

Defence engineers are excited about a future technology they hope will find people lost in disaster zones – robot locusts! Just unleash a plague and watch the missing come running!

All the swarming destruction of locusts, combined with the emotionless power of robots! What could go wrong? / Sure, you laugh now…

Of course, making robots the size of locusts does make it harder for them to crush us mercilessly. They’ll have to use their laser eyes.

The best thing about robot locusts is that they can never malfunction and devour all human food crops, leaving us starving and unable to fight back, eventually leading to the decimation of the species and the end of the world as we know it. Which is nice.

So far, the robot locusts work much better in a flight and rescue situation than the robot bears did, and with far fewer casualties.

Unfortunately you can only feed the robot locusts on electric cornfields. And sadly, there’s no such thing. / So they’ll have to invent those first.

The robots with flapping locust-like wings would scour collapsed or burning buildings, searching for survivors, in a way that a conventional fixed-wing aircraft can’t. And it’s far more effective at devouring their faces.

The robots with flapping locust-like wings could scour collapsed buildings and search for survivors, in a way that a conventional fixed-wing aircraft can’t. However, conventional fixed-wing aircraft do have the important advantage of ACTUALLY EXISTING.

However, the robo-locusts do have a tendency to swarm, and unlike real locusts, then have the ability to join together and form the unstoppable Insektron Prime.

They have to design the locust-like robots, after tests with regular locusts showed that they were not as interested in finding survivors as they were in swarming uncontrollably. / eating some crops. / decimating crops.

They initially made robot bees, but their hinges kept getting gummed up with honey.

Conventional fixed-wing aircraft are inappropriate for searching inside buildings for survivors. That’s one thing we learnt from September 11.

The military have also showed interest in the project. Which is no surprise – if anything cool is ever invented, they immediately want to strap bombs to it. / want to know how to use it to kill people.

Once you get down to a certain size, fixed-wing aircraft are unable to fly. And, unfortunately, unable to really provide any actual help in a rescue. / And a tiny rolling aeroplane is of limited benefit in a bushfire.

The rescue-bots will be great at locating people in places larger drones would never be able to access. But to actually rescue someone, you need 400 of them. / Unfortunately, once they’ve found you, all they can do is buzz.

They decided to model the robots on locusts, after the initial tests with mosquitobots just resulted in mechanical bloodsucking freaks intent on using humans as food. The military is still interested…

Finally emergency services will have a robot to find survivors. And all at such a low cust.

Locusts are excited about the development. They’re hoping they can get a few robots in to clean up after their swarming.

Wasps will be hoping to commandeer a few of the robot locusts. They’re so sick of flapping their own wings.

Locusts are extremely energy-efficient. They’d make for a great source of renewable energy if they didn’t destroy all our food in the process.