Archive for April, 2008

Bag up, Garrett (Good News Week 28/4/08: monologue)

Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

A meeting of Environment Ministers on plastic bag use has ended in a division between South Australia, who want to phase them out, Victoria, who want to impose a levy, and Peter Garrett, who wants to prove he’s no longer a greenie. / who wants to prove that being Environment Minister comes with some sort […]

Bag up, Garrett (Good News Week 28/4/08: monologue)

Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

A meeting of Environment Ministers on plastic bag use has ended in a division between South Australia, who want to phase them out, Victoria, who want to impose a levy, and Peter Garrett, who wants to prove he’s no longer a greenie. / who wants to prove that being Environment Minister comes with some sort […]

Ad my face (Good News Week 28/4/08: What’s the Story?)

Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

A Brisbane man is selling the right side of his face as advertising space and will work for whichever company wins the bid to permanently tattoo his bald head. And I will swear to evermore buy the products of any company that wins the bid and asks him to tattoo a penis. But the guy […]

School is a croc (Good News Week 28/4/08: What’s the Story?)

Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

A 4.5 metre crocodile, dubbed Croczilla, was captured lurking near a Cape York Peninsula school. Or, as the croc thinks of it, “an all-you-can-eat buffet”. / “a restaurant”. / “the best butcher in town”. The croc they caught is 4.5 metres long and weighs 500 kilos – and you should see the one that got […]

Silicone Head Implants (Good News Week 28/4/08: 3 1/2 Corners)

Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

A surgeon has devised a way to add up to 5cm to a person’s height by inserting a silicone head implant. Because a huge deformed forehead is an excellent way to draw attention away from how short you are. If you’re not tall enough, you can now get a head-implant shoved in between your skull […]

Druggie boffins (Good News Week 28/4/08: Blow up your pants)

Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

One in five scientists have admitted using performance-enhancing prescription drugs to “improve concentration”. And another two in five use non-prescription drugs to “numb the boredom”. One in five scientists have admitted using drugs to “improve concentration”. And the other four use them to “get fucked up”. / “get high.” / “blow their minds”. Most of […]

The 3 million dollar camel (Good News Week 28/4/08: Perfect Match)

Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

Dubai’s crown prince has paid a record US$2.7 million for the world’s most beautiful camel. It’s worth it for the humping. It may well be the most beautiful camel in the world, but it’s still a fuckin camel. Dubai’s crown prince has paid a record US$2.7 million for the world’s most beautiful camel. And the […]

Climate change depression (Good News Week 28/4/08: Strange But True)

Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

Australians are increasingly seeing their doctors for depression and anxiety caused by news about climate change. Remember, for every centimetre the sea levels rise, sixty-two species become extinct and nine hundred people go loopy. Rather than worrying about climate change and getting depressed, people should take positive action and kill themselves. Climate change can look […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 28/4/08: closing)

Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

Tues, April 29 And on Tuesday, 238 years after Captain James Cook dropped his anchor in Botany Bay, several snorklers will find it. Jackie Kelly’s husband and other Liberal Party members involved in the fake election flyer scandal will do a listening tour of Sydney’s courts. In Sydney, disgraced Liberals will appear in court over […]

National Slaughter Day – for toads! (Good News Week 21/4/08: monologue)

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

Nationals MP Shane Knuth wants to devote a day to ridding Queensland of the dreaded cane toad, called the Toad Day Out. Of course if it’s anything like the Big Day Out, attendees would be less likely to kill toads and more likely to lick them. Surely the best way to rid ourselves of cane […]

Well, it’s Summit, Innit (Good News Week 21/4/08: monologue)

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

Ah, the 2020 Summit, or as I think of it, The Summit of All Fears. Where 1000 of Australia’s best and brightest made their way to Canberra so there’d be nothing to distract them. Who would have thought that so many of the nation’s brightest could combine to create something so dull? It was originally […]

Aussie Chinese torch guards (Good News Week 21/4/08: monologue)

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

Hundreds of Chinese Australians are being asked to rally and defend the Olympic torch from pro-Tibetan protestors when the torch arrives in Canberra on Wednesday. That’s right, we’re going to have a good old-fashioned protest-off! Grab your popcorn. The Chinese Australians hope to protect the torch from pro-Tibetan protestors. They’re kind of anti-protest protestors. Unfortunately […]

Snoop Mail-E-Mail (Good News Week 21/4/08: What’s the Story?)

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

The government’s wanting to protect us from cyberterrorists by giving companies the power to read employees’ email without consent. Although only if they employ terrorists. Or have some other reason. Well, I guess we’re all safe from terrorism now. Now the boss can read our email, at last we’ve won the War on Terror. There […]

First female GG the last (Good News Week 21/4/08: Don’t Quote Me)

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

Well, Australia is going to have its first female Governor-General, Quentin Bryce. It was actually a bit of a slip-up, Kevin Rudd never suspected Quentin was a woman. / Kevin thought Quentin was a boy’s name. I don’t reckon this is such a big step forward as it’s been made out to be – we’ve […]

Budget test for Nelson (Good News Week 21/4/08: Don’t Quote Me)

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

Liberal Party members say Brendan Nelson’s chances of remaining as Opposition Leader will rest on his performance in response to the May 13 budget. Come on Brendan, a really good showing and you could get your preferred Prime Minister rating up into the low teens! Liberal Party members say Brendan Nelson’s chances of remaining as […]

Italian men aren’t allowed to touch their genitals (Good News Week 21/4/08: Dishing the Dirt)

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

Italy’s highest court has ruled that’s it’s a criminal offence for Italian men to touch their genitals in public. That should be only for the tourists. Italy’s highest court has ruled that’s it’s a criminal offence for Italian men to touch their genitals in public. The only exception is the publically-appointed Genitalissimo. And they’ve finally […]

Willy’s joyride (Good News Week 21/4/08: Dishing the Dirt)

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

Prince William has caused a furore by taking an RAF helicopter to a stag weekend on the Isle of Wight. Particularly when it came back tarred and feathered. / covered in shaving cream and filled with hookers and coke. Bloody hell, what’s the world coming to when a crown prince of England can’t commandeer a […]

Assault by Hedgehog (Good News Week 21/4/08: Giving Headline)

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

A New Zealand man has been charged with using a hedgehog as a weapon, after hurling it at a 15 year old boy. He never intended to throw a hedgehog – he just couldn’t find his porcupine. / his boa constrictor. / his Bengal tiger. Fair enough too – the teenager had been pelting him […]

Ooh Mummy Vegemite (Good News Week 21/4/08: Strange But True)

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

The latest taste sensation in Japan: Vegemite! Apparently it tastes sensational spread on blubber. / It puts a certain zing into boring old blubber. / Thanks to Vegemite, blubber finally tastes good! The Japanese may like Vegemite now, but just wait till they discover toast… It’s not surprising. When you’ve been raised on wasabi, Vegemite […]

Aliens are destroying my home (Good News Week 21/4/08: Strange But True)

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

A Bosnian man has had his home hit by meteorites five times since last November. That’s the last time he builds a house in the asteroid belt. / with a blackhole chimney. / out of cheap bricks from Roswell. A Bosnian man’s house has been hit by meteorites 5 separate times, which has convinced him […]