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Good News Week

Pickpocket Gangs (GNW 7/9/09: Border Insecurity)

Gangs of international thieves are flying in to Australia and picking pockets, snatching bags and skimming ATMs. Not to mention getting a nice tan. / catching a few waves.

Gangs of international thieves are flying in to Australia and picking pockets, snatching bags and skimming ATMs. It’s just their way. / But really – who are we to question their foreign customs?

It’s thought that most of the gangs are Bulgarians and Romanians gaining tourist visas online. Curse you, eBay!

Police advise that if you’re approached on public transport by a gang of Eastern European tourists, don’t give them your handbag. / wallet.

Either there are gangs of Eastern Europeans stealing our stuff, or Aussies have just gotten much stupider.

According to the Herald Sun, it’s the Romanians and Bulgarians we really have to watch. This is awesome – I’m so sick of limiting my racism to just the Chinese, Lebanese and Somalis! / just the chingchongs and lebbos!

But once they’re here, they HAVE to resort to crime, just to pay for the plane ticket. / – it’s not cheap flying to Australia from the other side of the world!

Are they trying to tell us we can’t rob ourselves? Don’t be ridiculous – we’re a bloody nation of convicts!

Police say it’s hard to catch them. They’ve got stolen passports, forged identities and those adorable accents.

Apparently these thieves are undetectable at the airport. But, even harder to detect than this scourge of criminal foreign gangs, are the criminals who are BORN here!

So they fly in from Eastern Europe, steal our purses, and leave? Seems unlikely to be profitable, but then they are racking up the frequent flier points.

I guess all the Eastern European pockets have already been picked.

Victoria Police Inspector Paul Pottage said that gangs were being trained by people like Fagin from “Oliver Twist”. And with the Victoria Police still operating on criminal models from 1838, it’s not surprising that they aren’t catching anyone.

Victoria Police Inspector Paul Pottage said that gangs were being trained by people like Fagin from “Oliver Twist”. And frankly, it’s about time he was caught.

It appears that Australians are being targeted due to their slack visa restrictions, slack personal security and seriously slack back pockets.

Unbelievable – slack security measures mean that whole gangs of criminals are coming into Australia. It’s like 1788 all over again.

Sure, they’re stealing our wallets and bags, but at least they’re not taking our jobs!

Makes you feel like going to THEIR countries and screaming and yelling at them before smashing all their stuff and falling over in the gutter. Oh that’s right – we already do.

The police say it’s hard to catch them. In fact, pretty much as hard as it is to catch our own criminals. Not easy being a cop, huh.

The police are sure it’s organised crime. Yup, you’d have to be one highly skilled crime syndicate to get past OUR coppers.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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