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Good News Week

Fake ATMs (GNW 14/9/09: Clash Of The Titans)

European criminals are going one step further than simply skimming ATM card details – they’re building fake ATMs, some of which even give out real money. And if you suspect them of being criminals, they’ll just give you more money.

ATMs are being constructed in and around shopping centres by master organised crime groups known as “banks”.

The public has been warned to be wary of any ATM that approaches them in the street. / that wanders away after use. / that finishes a transaction by saying “Thankyou” in a thick Romanian accent.

The fake ATMs also give the criminals somewhere to use their forged ATM cards.

The fake ATMs give out real money. Good to see that there are some mastermind criminals giving back. / Obviously their forgery racket isn’t going so well. / It’s just cheaper than forgery.

Some criminal gangs even go so far as to create their own banks, and steal thousands and thousands of dollars from people by charging them so-called “interest” on so-called “home loans”! The monsters.

Some criminal gangs have taken the whole thing one step further, and convince thousands of people to actually just hand their money over, by calling it “tax”, and calling themselves “the government”.

At least they’re spending their criminal money on generating more future income, and not just frittering it away on drugs and getaway cars.

Thieves making their own ATMs that dispense real money? Whatever happened to the olden days, when crims would blow all their cash on drugs, women and guns?

They look just like real ATMs. Except they’re wearing a balaclava. / Except they’re out the front of abandoned warehouses. / Except they’re in the middle of the carpark. / Except they’re down deserted alleyways.

It accompanies a rise in smash-and-grab raids on ATMs. Luckily, many of these are on criminal ATMs… / on their own fake ATMs.

Statistically, if there’s a rise in smash-n-grab raids on ATMs and a rise on fake ATMs, soon enough we’ll have one criminal gang smashing and grabbing another gang’s fake criminal ATMs, and the rest of us are cowering in our homes with our money stuffed under the mattress.

It was harder in the old days when criminal masterminds had to build phoney tellers. You could always tell by the hair.

Travellers are warned to watch out for any ATMs from the Bank of Big Tony. / Bank of Corleone.

Police recommend using ATMs inside banks. They’ll only rob you in the regular way.

Smacking someone over the head and stealing their wallet is SOOOOOOO last century. / 2008.

Police say that if your ATM tries to take your wallet, it may be a fake.

But I’d want to use the fake ATMs. Sure, they might get your card details – but the withdrawal won’t come off your balance! / Withdraw a million dollars, close the account, and live off your criminal proceeds!

Of course, really smart thieves are stealing peoples’ ATM cards, and then withdrawing as much as they can from the fake ATMs. Not only do they get all the money from the fake ATM, but then they can rush off and take all the REAL money out of the account before the skimmers get a chance! INGENIOUS!

A fake ATM can be spotted if, when you ask for an account balance, it replies “How would I know?”

The fake ATMs issue real money. But they make a killing in inter-bank charges.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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