Opening gags (Good News Week 11/2/08)

WE HAVE RETURNED! I know what you’re thinking. That man McDermott: what an ego! But you know what? My show might be back from the dead but you don’t hear me claiming we’re the sons of God. Although, we DO bring you the Good News!

We’re back! And just like that other joker who rose from the dead, we’re bringing the Good News!

The stars have aligned, and the planets form a delicate arrangement only seen once every 8 years; the earth trembles, and the sky darkens; and all that is bad becomes good, and all that is old becomes new, and all that is strong becomes weak – and the three become one! Good! News! Week!

(Biblical tone) And the in the eighth year, the televisual saviour was raised up from the dead. And he looked down upon the studio and he saw that it was good. And it was Good. News. Week!

It’s like Family Feud without the families; it’s like Who Wants To Be A Millionaire without the millions; it’s like Wheel of Fortune with no wheel; it’s like Backyard Blitz without the blitzing, or the backyard; it’s like Temptation, with nothing tempting; it’s like A Perfect Match, but nothing fits; it’s like Jeopardy, but it’s safe; it’s like Survivor, without any hot chicks in bikinis; it’s like Big Brother, but there’s no brother, it’s not that big, and the contestants can usually spell their own names. That’s right – it’s Good News Week!

Good News Week has returned from the dead! Just like Jesus, but without all that “son of God” hoo-har.

Welcome to Good News Week! May your news be good news, and our news be better.

We’ve got good news and bad news. Well, the bad news is, the American writers strike has meant US shows all around the world have been cancelled, leaving a huge gaping hole in our television-watching lives, a hole aching to be filled with cheap home-grown shite. And the good news? Well, here it is.

Welcome back to Good News Week! Sorry we’ve been missing for nearly 8 years, we fell down the back of the couch.

Welcome to Good News Week, back after a bloody long ad break. / back from the world’s longest ad break.

They warned us about the flow of the show being interrupted when we first came to Channel 10, but I never guessed it would last nearly eight years…

We’ve been away for eight years – so forgive us if all our jokes are 8 years out of date.

We’ve been away for eight years – so we’ve got lots of John Howard jokes we haven’t used yet!

Welcome back to Good News Week! Last time we were on air, the millennium bug had just fizzed, Sydney was hosting the Olympics, and “Sorry” was just a word on Peter Garrett’s T-shirt. And Peter Garrett wore T-shirts.

We’ve been away for eight years – so get ready for some thigh-slappers about the Sydney Olympics! / Mount Etna! / Al Gore and George’s Bush’s son!

Eight years ago, Australian television fell into a deep, deep slumber. Since then, it has crawled along, barely subsiding on a meagre diet of reality shows, repeats of American sitcoms and rip-offs of a legendary show… Only dimly recalled by those with long memories, the original was spoken of in hushed tones… a quiz show without prizes… a news show without weather… a comedy show without jokes… and they said that it was good, and it was good. It was Good… News… Week!

It’s Good News Week – back after nearly eight years! Believe it or not, when we were last on air the Australian Prime Minister was some guy called John Howard?! (scoff) Who?

It’s Good News Week – remember us? We’re like Spicks and Specks for people without an iPod.

Imagine if the news was funny! Imagine if game shows had no prizes! Imagine if we were made out of clams! Well, this is the show that feeds your imagination with hard-boiled reality, picking off the shell of propaganda and digging straight into the tasty yellow yolk of truth with the toast soldier of satire, before taking a sip from the hot coffee of destiny and rushing out the door to catch the train of success, only to miss it by about 3 seconds, and have to wait for another 10 minutes at the station of despondency reading the newspaper of doom.

If you’ve seen the show before, you know what to expect. If you’ve never seen the show before, it’s usually much, much better. / we normally have a rocketship! / it’s usually hosted by a giant pink gorilla in a solid gold bikini. / it’s usually hosted by one of the Daddos. / it’s usually hosted by Gretel Killeen.

If you’ve seen the show before, you know what to expect. If you’ve never seen the show before, well, we’ve got 15 contestants, and to win a million dollars, all they have to do is work out the correct answer on the Question Wheel, dress up like a pirate, and keep Rocky the Baboon in a headlock until their Pirate Points reach zero. Then they pick a Double Whammy from the Buccaneer Board, match the Cookies, and call their Brains Trust for the Baboon Triple Play! And then the winner is decided by tossing a coin.

If you’ve seen the show before, you know what to expect. If you’ve never seen the show before, we lock our contestants into a house, surrounded 24 hours a day with cameras, and the one who loses the most weight and sings the correct lyrics has to discover the lost treasure of Diamond Pete, if they’re not voted off the island by Mark Holden.

What could be better than winning a holiday in the UK, a lifetime’s supply of zinc, and a pewter goblet in the shape of Daryl Somers? NOT winning a holiday in the UK, a lifetime’s supply of zinc, and a pewter goblet in the shape of Daryl Somers! And here at Good News Week, there’s no risk of accidentally winning any of them, or any other dodgy prize – coz we’ve got no prizes!

Matthew 28: “Now after the sabbath, about 8:30ish of the first day of the week, the Channel Ten executives, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went in search of topical satire, preferably in the form of a game show. For behold, there was a great earthquake, and an angel of the Lord descended from heaven and came and caused the American Writers’ Guild to become barren, and Channel Ten’s Monday slot was void, and without form. And for fear the executives trembled and became like dead men, but worse smelling. But the angel said to the executives, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary, “Do not be afraid; for I know that you seek lame gags disguised as biting comedy, and points distributed seemingly at random. Look no further.” And Mary Magdalene, or possibly the other Mary, I get them confused, said unto the angel, “But such comedy is dead.” And the executives said unto the angel, “We also know it is dead. We crucified it ourselves!” But the angel pointed to the Monday slot, and it was filled! And Supernatural fans were pissed off that their show had been moved around! And the angel said, “It was dead, but it has risen. Lo!” and the angel flapped back up to heaven on tiny little wings. And Mary Magdalene, the other Mary, and the executives departed quickly from the tomb with fear and great joy, and ran to tell the disciples: “IT’S GOOD NEWS WEEK!”

It’s Good News Week! Back after 8 years – and now with ace new writers from Melbourne!

It’s Good News Week! Back at long last! For those of you who’ve seen the show before, “HELLO DEARIES!”

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