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Seems a bit ginger beer to me (Good News Week 14/4/08: Strange But True)

New Zealand authorities busted a woman for brewing ginger beer. Police were called after security guards stumbled across what appeared to be an illegal drug lab, but it turned out to be for making non-alcoholic ginger beer. Top quality stuff – street value 200 bucks an ounce.

A woman inside the house told police the equipment was for brewing non-alcoholic ginger beer. And the cops fell for it! / New Zealand police really are that gullible.

A woman inside the house told police the equipment was for brewing non-alcoholic ginger beer – at least, that’s what her son tells her. And he only buys Playboy to read the articles.

A woman inside the house told police the equipment was for brewing non-alcoholic ginger beer. Which is totally true, if by “beer” you mean “speed”, and by “ginger” you mean “high-grade”. It is, however, still totally 100% non-alcoholic.

A woman inside the house told police the equipment was for brewing non-alcoholic ginger beer. When the cops asked for a glass to quench their thirst, she explained that this was a special kind of ginger beer, and fetched them a strap and a syringe. / this was a special kind of ginger beer that you can only drink by snorting.

Ironically, she swaps the ginger beer for drugs. / she sells the ginger beer and uses the money to buy drugs.

The interesting thing is that she was only making the ginger beer to snort. / to inject.

The woman was furious. She’s addicted to the stuff. / She needs six capfuls a day.

Not only does she brew ginger beer in drug-making-equipment, but she uses her Bamix to chop up her heroin.

It was only ginger beer, though admittedly in commercial quantities.

The ginger beer was completely non-alcoholic, and only a little bit hallucinogenic. / narcotic. / opiate. / addictive.

It was an easy mistake to make; the ginger was really really tangy.

The cops only realised it was ginger beer after snorting three bottles-worth. / after trying to snort it. / after discovering their massive 3-paper doob was really hard to smoke. / after finding it really hard to light.

It was an understandable mistake. Ginger beer has the same muddy brown appearance as heroin, and if you inject stacks of it, it still kills you.

Not only was the still actually for her non-alcoholic ginger beer, but all the bongs were just for making strawberry jam.

She was also very proud of her collection of ornamental Spring Valley bottles with hoses sticking out of them. / She also really liked vases with hoses sticking out of them.

There’s nothing she likes better than a glass of ginger beer and a few lines of Wizz Fizz.

The cops first became suspicious when they heard she often used her freezer to make ice.

The cops apologised. They were really looking to bust a big creamy soda racket. / They were actually after a major sherbert operation.

They were right to be suspicious. She’s moving into Coke and ice.

The security guards overheard the woman saying she was wanting to try a batch of Coke.

They’re also looking into local milk bars. Word on the street is they’ve been selling Coke!

She’s just lucky they didn’t stumble upon her equipment for making raspberry cordial or she’d be looking at 20 years to life.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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