Tues, April 22
Tuesday’s Earth Day will precipitate 364 days of trashing the place.
Tuesday is Earth Day. Unfortunately, there’s still no day for Uranus.
To celebrate Earth Day, Queenslanders will pound amphibians with cudgels.
To celebrate Earth Day, aliens have prepared a really big meteorite to chuck at that Bosnian guy.
Tomorrow our tormented friend in Bosnia will finally claim proof of alien intervention when a meterorite lands on his house stamped “Happy Earth Day!”
The battle heats up in the U.S. Presidential primary, with both candidates resorting to personal insults in their campaigning. Obama will launch his “A Vote for Hillary Is Just Hillarious” slogan, while Clinton will launch her “Barack is such ABummer” one.
Hilary Clinton will be hoping for a good showing in the Pennsylvania primary or Barack Obama will prove that he actually IS elite – the one and only Democratic candidate.
The battle heats up in the U.S. Presidential primary, with Hillary enlisting the help of Queensland toad-whackers, and Obama recruiting New Zealander hedgehog-hurlers. Should be quite a day!
Wed, April 23
The Beijing Olympic torch will arrive in Canberra, and, to help defend it against protestors, it will be guarded by the only people in the country who don’t support Tibet – yokel toad-whackers.
In London, the Queen’s Birthday Honours list will be announced – and no Brendan, you’re not on that either.
In London, celebrating her 82nd birthday, the Queen will announce her Birthday Honours list, including Wossaname, Thingamibob and Oh, You Know, The One On The Telly.
It’ll be 1 year since Boris Yeltsin died – the flame’s finally gone out.
And, one year since Boris Yeltsin died, they’re still squeezing his remains for the vodka. / still squeezing high-grade vodka from his remains.
On the first anniversary of Boris Yeltsin’s death, he’ll admit he is feeling a bit peaky.
The ANZ Bank will announce their half-year results, and Mick Gatto will leave empty-handed.
The ANZ Bank will announce their half-year results – half-arsed, half-baked and half-bankrupt.
Thurs, April 24
Thursday, Canberra plays host to the Beijing Olympic Torch Breakfast. Try a deep-fried monk, they’re delicious. / And if you’ve ever eaten an Olympic Torch, you’ll know to steer clear.
The Australian leg of the Beijing Olympics torch relay will begin in Canberra, and, to help defend it against protestors, it will be guarded by the only people in the country who don’t support Tibet – Queensland toad-whackers.
The Australian leg of the Beijing Olympics torch relay will begin in Canberra, and will immediately be under attack for New Zealander protestors hurling hedgehogs.
Caltex Australia will hold its annual general meeting, to vaguely cover topics of a half-arsed nature, before they hold their annual specific meeting next month.
Rupert Murdoch’s daughter Elizabeth will hold a fundraiser for Barack Obama in London. It’s so hard to install puppet governments these days. / If you want a puppet government, you’ve gotta install it yourself.
Elizabeth Murdoch will hold a fundraiser for Barack Obama in London, proving that even the most progressive candidates are firmly wedged in Rupert’s pocket.
Fri, April 25
Anzac Day – or as it’s known in Turkey, Victory Day. / Supreme Victory Against The Weaklings Day.
In Ireland, the Tipperary Festival Of Peace will go horribly wrong when they tip a rary the wrong way and it explodes.
Friday marks the 55th anniversary of the discovery of DNA. Prior to that it was thought that humans were steam-powered. / ran on angels’ tears.
And, 55 years after DNA was discovered, Crick and Watson reveal it was all a big joke, before fluttering off to heaven on little angel wings.
Sat, April 26
Madonna will release her new album to coincide with the Australian MTV Awards, in an attempt to convince the young people that a 50 year old poledancing is sexy. / that granny can still poledance.
Madonna releases her new album “GMILF”. / “Pretty Hot for an Oldie” / “Kabbalah’s Boring Now”. / “More Songs About Dancing”.
Mon, April 28
Australian Fashion Week begins – the only time of the year you can see models wearing blue singlets and thongs. / wearing Target mockos and a Kmart dressing gown, one hand holding a strong cuppa, the other dangling a Winnie Blue.
Mercedes Corby’s defamation trial against Channel 7 will begin. She’s still insisting that Channel 7 had no right to call her a “money-grubbing bogan with a skanky drug-pig for a sister”, and we agree. That’s a terrible thing to say.
Mercedes Corby’s defamation trial against Channel 7 will begin. Please note that contrary to appearances, this is NOT the Toad Day Out.
On Monday, Mercedes Corby’s defamation trial against Channel 7 begins. After that’s finished, she’s launching one against Kevin Rudd, for not inviting her to the 2020 Summit. If she’s not one of our best and brightest, who is? (And she’s a fuckin hornbag.)
