WorkNoChoices (Good News Week 23/6/08: Bites)

Kevin Rudd has enshrined ten minimum workplace conditions in place of the WorkChoices legislation. At long last, what we all voted for: WorkNoChoices! / NoChoices! / WorkChoiceless!

Rudd refused to say where his ten “workplace commandments” had come from, but the CFMEU apparently had hired a chiseller.

Rudd refused to say where his ten “workplace commandments” had come from, but apparently it involved a burning bush, a voice from the heavens, and a bunch of union heavies.

Rudd’s enshrined ten workplace commandments. The shrine’s located right next to the one he’s built to himself.

Rudd has enshrined ten workplace commandments. And introduced 7 deadly workplace sins! / And will now decide who goes to workplace Heaven and who goes to workplace Hell.

Rudd has enshrined ten workplace commandments. Next, he plans to part the Red Sea, and lead working families to the promised land. / Next he plans to feed, with only seven loaves and fishes, all of Australia’s working families.

Julia Gillard has refused to say how workplace disputes will be settled. But an arm wrestle ought to do it. / But she reckons it should be whoever has the most whiny ocker voice wins.

The standards enshrine a maximum 38 hour week. Unless bosses want to ask workers to do additional hours. And that’s enshrined! / He’s calling the policy WorkPointless. / That Rudd, eh? Tough, yet flexible to the point of meaninglessness.

The new guidelines stipulate a maximum 38 hour week, unless your employer wants you to work more. See? Totally safeguarded.

The standards enshrine a maximum 38 hour week, unless bosses want workers to do more. Those unions have got Rudd around their little finger!

The standards enshrine a maximum 38 hour week, unless bosses want workers to do more. It’s great that Rudd can offer total protection for working families, unless something comes up they might need protecting from. / while still letting the bosses stamp all over the broken backs of the poor. / while still letting the bosses crush them like bugs.

Shift workers get an additional week’s annual leave, which they can spend up all night listening to the creepy noises.

Employers will be required to offer at least 12 months unpaid parental leave. Many bosses are perfectly happy to offer a life-time’s supply of unpaid leave, and just get someone else.

Employers are required to pay the first 10 days of jury leave, and even more for a judge.

The Opposition has claimed that the reforms rely upon the word “reasonable” – and they’ve got no idea what that could possibly mean.

The Opposition’s main problem with the workplace guidelines is that they heavily rely upon interpretations of the word “reasonable”, a word they’ve never really understood the meaning of.

The words “reasonable” and “unreasonable” are strewn throughout the guidelines, with no definition of what they mean. The Government promises they’ll define those terms as soon as they’ve worked out reasonable definitions.

The Opposition says that the guidelines contain frequent uses of the terms “reasonable” and “unreasonable” without ever defining them. The Government says the Opposition’s complaints are unreasonable. / are unreasonable, and reasonable definitions will be available in a not unreasonable time, which any reasonable person can see is not unreasonable.

The new safeguards include a Fair Work Information Statement for all workers, which is in no way a new piece of pointless red tape that pads the number of safeguards out to ten.

The new safeguards include a Fair Work Information Statement for all workers. Well, they had to give some new work to the guys in charge of the WorkChoices pamphlets.

You have the right to request flexible work arrangements. And hell, you have the right to request personal helicopters as well – it doesn’t mean you’re going to get them.

According to the Government, workers have the right to request flexible work arrangements. And the right to request solid gold cars, a magic talking chicken, and pigs that fly.

The legislation is quite specific: 38 hour weeks, four weeks leave, eight public holidays… yep, they’ve certainly taken the Choices out of WorkChoices.

The legislation is quite specific: 38 hour weeks, four weeks leave, and eight public holidays… Rudd’s a pretty flexible guy, he just doesn’t want you to be.

Rudd refused to guarantee that workers wouldn’t be worse off under the new standards. But he would guarantee that they’ll be more confused about who to blame.

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