God told Bush to invade (The Glass House 19/10/05)

A new BBC series reports that George W Bush has said he was instructed by God to invade Afghanistan and Iraq. Well, he said he was God. It was actually Dick Cheney in a fake beard.

Usually Bush only calls Cheney “God” when they’re being intimate.

God’s gotten a bit slack lately. In the olden days he used to do all the smiting Himself…

“God’s been telling me lots of stuff lately. And I’d do it too, if I only knew what a ‘cubit’ was.”

God was said to be pleased with the results of Bush’s work. “In fact,” The Lord Almighty said, “it’s been going well ever since I told Osama to hijack those planes.”

God was said to be pleased with the results of Bush’s work. “In fact,” The Lord Almighty said, “it’s been going well ever since I disguised myself as Allah.”

God was rapt. “I’m sick of that hippy son of mine dominating debate with that peace and love nonsense. I’m God, goddammit, and I want to see some ass-kicking!”

Dubya knew it was God speaking to him… “He said he was God – and you don’t go around questioning God.”

God told him to invade Iraq, the ghost of Abe Lincoln told him to lower taxes, and the Nimby-Pimby Tree Elves told him to overhaul Social Security…

The Pope is jealous: “God doesn’t talk to me at all. If I only had a bigger military…”

The Pope is jealous: “God doesn’t talk to me at all. Maybe I should ditch the hat.”

Bush revealed the divine conversations to the Palestinian Prime Minister and Foreign Minister, who admitted they’d never spoken to God themselves. Bush promised that next time he was having a holy chat, he’d ask God if He liked what they were doing.

The Palestinians asked Bush to pass on some requests next time he’s in touch with the Almighty. They’d like the West Bank, Jerusalem, and a new Playstation.

Now we know why Bush has a prayer session before each cabinet meeting. He’s just checking God’s got the minutes of the previous meeting.

Further reports suggest God has been swanning about in Heaven, bragging about talking to the US President. “He likes me almost as much as Condi!”

God also told Bush to redevelop New Orleans… and when he refused, God decided to do it himself.

Dubya first made contact with God when he was a cocaine-abusing alcoholic… didn’t we all.

Dubya is in constant contact with God. That’s why he’s always speaking in tongues…

Dubya often hears voices in his head. Mostly they just tell him to burn things…

God and Bush have a lot in common: they’re powerful, love destroying shit, and move in ways we mere mortals just can’t understand…

Dubya’s turned into one of the Blues Brothers; he’s on a mission from God, and doesn’t care how much stuff gets destroyed because of it. And you should see him shake a tail feather!

Osama bin Laden has responded by announcing that, not only does Allah speak to him every day, but has put aside 72 virgins for him in Heaven. “Let’s see your God do that!”

Insurance policies now include a clause about “Acts of Bush”…

Said Bush: “Of course it was God! He had the horns, the pitchfork, the pointy tail and everything!”

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