Breastfeeding Doll (GNW 17/8/09: Strange But True)

A Spanish company has released a doll which breastfeeds. Great for encouraging kids to breastfeed, or for wannabe mothers unable to conceive.

Of course, it’s not as confronting as the doll you have to push out of your vagina.

The doll latches onto the petals of flowers on a halter-top which the child wears. Which doesn’t encourage breastfeeding so much as it does eating flowers.

Of course, breastfeeding is one of the least offensive parts of having a baby. They really should come up with a doll that smears the walls with poo.

The doll has to be breastfed regularly, and then has to be burped to stop it crying, but neither of these are what offends parents. It’s when it turns 16 and hates your freakin guts. / It’s when it grows up to be a thankless self-centred ungrateful little SHIT.

The doll is a shocking travesty of all that is right and proper. You don’t get milk out of flowers! It’s just plain offensive.

What is most offensive about this doll is that it’s teaching children to suckle at flowers rather than good honest breasts.

Of course, it’s a lot more natural than something like a Barbie or a Bratz. At least these breasts are doing what breasts are actually for, rather than just being used as fancy flesh-coathangers for some wannabe designer’s garish range of mini-slut-wear.

It’s far more offensive than Barbies or Bratz dolls, who only ever suck nipples in the proper context – fantasy lesbian scenes.

You’ll never see a Bratz doll suck a nipple. They’ll go cock every time.

It’s not the simulated breastfeeding as such that’s drawing the most complaints. It’s that the doll’s a teenage boy.

Unfortunately, many of the halter-top flowers stop working, and the kids have to swap to using fake formula.

After prolonged use, the flowers grow long, flat and droopy. So at least they’re realistic.

Of course if the child attaches the doll to its actual nipples, the doll will howl. Infant nips are nowhere near as nourishing as plastic petals.

And if you try to feed it on formula, it spits it in your face.

At last. We can stop breeding.

All the time-consuming inconvenience of a breast-fed baby without the need to procreate!

Just like a real baby, the doll not only breastfeeds and burps, but fills its nappy, teethes, and screams for hours for no apparent reason.

These dolls are disgusting! How can people let babies be exposed to breastfeeding?

The manufacturers say they released the toy to promote breastfeeding. Among, um, six-year-olds.

One problem is most six-year-olds take ages to get a let-down.

But I’d be careful giving the doll to an infant. They might see the doll breastfeeding and decide they want nipple too.

It’s been criticised for sexalising children. But it’s certainly not as sexual as, say, Flagellate-Me-Elmo.

But it’s not as sexualising as Baby-Wee-Wee, or especially Baby-Golden-Shower-and-Copraphilia.

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