NReaLity (GNW 17/8/09: monologue)

The newest reality series? Find a new NRL star! The show will be called “NRL Dream”, as the NRL weren’t so rapt with the original title “MasterMoron”. / “MasterThug”. / “MasterMeathead”. / “MasterRapist”.

The contestants have to abseil down a bridge, box Anthony Mundine, and pull an Airbus. Clearly, the makers of the show have realised rugby league’s as BORING AS BATSHIT.

The contestants have to abseil down a bridge, box Anthony Mundine, and pull an Airbus. Anything but play that stupid ball-game.

The contestants have to abseil down a bridge, box Anthony Mundine, pull an Airbus, and recite a dozen of their favourite sonnets.

Over the course of the series, the group will be whittled down from 40 to a final 10, based on skill levels, toughness and sexual compatibility.

The show is described as a mixture of “Australian Idol”, “Survivor”, “Big Brother” and sexual assault.

Because if you’re looking for people who are going to improve the image of something, you naturally turn to reality TV.

Reality TV! At last, a way to make rugby league less full of brutal boofheads and more full of preening egomaniacs.

The show is the brainchild of a couple of lawyers. Clearly, they can see a few high-profile lawsuits coming out of it all…

They still can’t decide what to call it, but are toying around with the names ‘Look What We Can Make The Meatheads Do”, “These Jocks Will Do Anything”, or “Rugby League Wannabes Do the Darndest Things”.

Of course, they may not be able to broadcast the gangbangs. But you know they’ll happen!

At the same time, they’ll be filming the tie-in series “Desperate Cheerleaders on Rohypnol”. It’ll be a cross-promotional ratings bonanza!

The creators say that they see this “as an opportunity for the game and its players to be portrayed in the correct light”. Which you just can’t do unless you’re able to minutely edit the hell out of every single scene.

The creators say that they see this as an opportunity for rugby league players to be “portrayed in the correct light”. Which just can’t be done while they’re playing that mindless ballgame.

The creators say that they see this “as an opportunity for the game and its players to be portrayed in the correct light”. The show will be heavy on the manliness of training, and light on the drug-fuelled gang-rape.

They may not succeed at finding anyone who can improve the game’s image, but at least they can try.

It’ll be a reality TV show where the emphasis is on incredible heroics, to hopefully distract viewers from the reality of rugby league.

In one episode, the contestants will have to fight Anthony Mundine, to highlight the softer side of rugby league. / to highlight rugby league’s intellectual side. / as proof that rugby league’s not all about book-learnin’.

Of course, the show will also highlight the softer, more intellectual side of rugby league. So contestants will have to beat a pitbull to death with a crowbar.

Of course, the show will also highlight the softer, more intellectual side of rugby league. So contestants will have to visit an old-folks home, help out homeless kiddies, write an essay on the virtues of kindness, and THEN wrestle a bear naked.

And when the judge tells you you’ve scored a “touchdown”, you tell him “it’s called a try, you American turd”, and punch his lights out.

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