Good Next Week (GNW 24/8/09: closing)

Tuesday, August 25
Kevin Rudd & his cabinet will meet the public in Port Macquarie, after a few bottles of Macquarie Port.

Kevin Rudd & his cabinet will meet the public in Port Macquarie. Sounds wet.

The National Country Music Muster will be held in Gympie, and the the Bondage and Discipline Sado-Muster will be held in Gimp-suits.

Gympie will host the National Country Music Muster! Someone muster woken up the Gymp…

Melbourne will host the Australia Israel Cultural Exchange Film Festival, which has again bumped the Australia Palestine Film Festival off the bill…

Melbourne will host the Australia Israel Cultural Exchange Film Festival, where we can hopefully swap some high art Israeli movies for the shit we make over here. / overacted coming-of-age road-movie soap-operas we churn out over here.

Melbourne will host the Australia Israel Cultural Exchange Film Festival, while Jerusalem will host the Israel Palestine Hostage Exchange Film Festival.

In Sydney, there’ll be a hearing into executives’ termination payouts, with a direct line to several yachts in the Bahamas.

In Sydney, there’ll be a hearing into executives’ termination payouts – apparently, it’s so much cheaper just to cap them in the head! / just to do it execution style!

Melbourne will be the scene of the Australian Packaging Summit. Wow – in Melbourne, the excitement never ends.

Melbourne will be the scene of the Australian Packaging Summit. It’ll have everything from boxes, to envelopes, to, um, cardboard tubes, to… ah, bigger boxes… um.

Aristocrat Leisure will announce its half-year results – apparently, spats, monocles, and big game hunting are in, snuff and cravats are on the way out.

Tomorrow, Aristocrat Leisure will announce its half-year results – more Cuban cigars, golf and rent-boys.

Tomorrow, the Aristocrat Leisure gaming corporation will announce its half-year results, with record profits resulting from government handouts, retrenched workers looking for a win, and stockbrokers just desperate to gamble something, somewhere.

Poker machine manufacturer Aristocrat Leisure will announce their half-year results tomorrow. Should be a full house!

Poker machine manufacturer Aristocrat Leisure will announce their half-year results tomorrow. Refreshments include cherries and lemons, though you may get stuck with a BAR. / or you could just get stuck into the BAR.

The Foster’s Group will announce their results for the last financial year – and economic crisis or not, the good news is we’re drunker than ever!

Wednesday, August 26
In Spain, it’s La Tomatina time! It’s the one festival where throwing tomatoes is an unclear gesture. / might just be being friendly.

Wednesday is Spain’s La Tomatina festival, where hecklers have to get creative.

Macquarie Airports will announce its half-year results, after a few bottles of Macquarie Port.

Tim Costello will address the National Press Club, with a speech entitled “Which one’s Abel, Which one’s Cain?” / “Every Great Hero Has An Evil Brother”. / “God – Yes, He’s Still Pretty Cool.” / “Peter Still Wets his Bed”.

Crown Limited will announce its full-year results – jackpot!

On Wednesday, Crown Limited will announce its full-year results. Yeah, I bet they will.

Alice Cooper’s tour will hit Canberra, mistakenly assuming there’s something there. / mistakenly assuming the great capital of this nation might have some sort of nightlife.

Alice Cooper’s tour will hit Canberra – unless the sight of the corpse of an Opposition Leader scares him off.

Thursday, August 27
Thursday brings the Taste of Melbourne 2009, which is unfortunately dry and burnt.

Thursday’s “Taste of Melbourne 2009” will unfortunately taste just like Melbourne.

On Thursday, the list of Australia’s top 500 private companies will be announced. And who’d’ve thought – there’s that many companies left. / that haven’t gone under yet.

Woolworth’s will release its annual financials, so we should find out what wool’s worth.

Super-Cheap Auto will announce its full-year results, and a plan to maybe lose the Super-Cheap bit. / to replace the “Super-Cheap” with “Relatively Decently Priced, C’Mon, A Man’s Got To Eat”.

Sydney will host the annual meeting of the Australian Nuclear Association. So that’s Peter Garrett and a giant two-headed glowing bunny.

On Thursday, the ARIA Hall Of Fame will be joined by musical giants such as Mental As Anything and John-Paul Young, proving Australia does boast world-class tedious nostalgia.

Friday, August 28
Friday is Daffodil Day: raise money for the Cancer Council by buying a daffodil, a cuddly Dougal Bear, or a souvenir tumour. Sorry, I mean brooch.

Friday’s Daffodil Day, with 2 million daffodils on sale, along with Dougal Bear, to raise money for the Cancer Council. Which they’re going to use to spend on coke and hookers. Sorry, which they’re NOT going to use to spend on coke and hookers.

Friday’s Daffodil Day, with 2 million daffodils on sale, along with Dougal Bear, to raise money for the Cancer Council. Although really, I’d rather support the Anti-Cancer Council. Call me weird, I just don’t like cancer.

Friday’s Daffodil Day, with 2 million daffodils on sale, along with Dougal Bear, to raise money for the Cancer Council. Dougal Bear – not much of a name, but he’s got a great big heart. Filled with cancer.

Caltex Australia will announce its half-year results in a must-see spectacular laser-light surround-sound acrobatic extravaganza! Or maybe that was last year.

On Friday, Sydney will host a Water-Saving Expo – but who will save the water savers?

On Friday, Sydney will host a Water-Saving Expo, during which they will use enough demonstration-water to water the entire nation’s food-crops! And how the farmers shall weep.

On Friday, Sydney will host a Water-Saving Expo. In attendance will be Melbourne.

Saturday, August 29
Canberra will host the World Lip Synch Championships, described as “karaoke on caffeine”. Though everyone knows it’s funnier on martinis.

Canberra will host the World Lip Synch Championships, described as “karaoke on caffeine”, or “events-managers on drugs”. / “as good as Britney Spears, Milli Vanilli, and Betty Boo all rolled into one!”

On Saturday, Canberra will host the World Lip Synch Championships, and for once, it’s not the kind where politicians just mouth the propaganda sheets prepared by big business!

The Melbourne Awards, recognising the people & organisations who “go above & beyond the call of duty”. Who also happen to be in Melbourne.

The Melbourne Awards, recognising the people & organisations who “go above & beyond the call of duty”. Or at least, go the duty free.

Sunday, August 30
Sunday is Melbourne Day, when, for one 24 hour period, we’re all Melburnians.

Sunday is Melbourne’s history, celebrating the day the first European settlers landed on the north bank of the Yarra River from the schooner Enterprize. Though Melburnians call it a pot.

In L.A., Bindi Irwin will be at the Daytime TV Emmy Awards, after a few bottles of Macquarie Port.

In L.A. on Sunday, Bindi Irwin will be at the Daytime TV Emmy Awards. Maybe if she wins one she’ll stay there.

In L.A. on Sunday, a limping and red-faced Bindi Irwin will be at the Daytime TV Emmy Awards, an awards night renowned for having hard-to-open nominations. But will they pick gammy rosie Bindi’s gummy Emmy envelope?

The Bahamas will host Miss Universe 2009. So there’s an upside to being widely considered one of the world’s most beautiful women.

The Bahamas will host Miss Universe 2009. Sure sucks being pretty.

Monday, August 31
On Monday, nominations for the 2010 Australian Of The Year close, so here’s hoping my fangirls have gotten their letter-writing hands in gear.

On Monday, nominations for the 2010 Australian Of The Year close . Hint hint.

In Melbourne, it’s the Big Winter Sleepout to raise money for the homeless and spread a little more swine flu. / and possibly give them swine flu.

On Monday, Harvey Norman will post its annual profit, and throw in a free coffee table.

An Australian guerrilla war expert will address the National Press Club, though his Explosive Devices will be properly scripted.

An Australian guerrilla war expert will address the National Press Club, dressed as a gorilla. That’ll get their attention.

An Australian guerrilla war expert will address the National Press Club – or will he? The element of surprise is essential.

An Australian guerrilla war expert will address the National Press Club – or is it just an ambush?

Monday is the Australasian Media & Broadcasting Congress, which might explain why they’re always screwing things up.

Sydney will see the Australasian Media & Broadcasting Congress, although when hooked up to a lie detector, they’ll claim the congress was not consensual.

The Bureau of Statistics will release the figures on Australian marriages, before releasing the figures on obesity, flatulence, domestic violence, and erectile dysfunction. / erectile dysfunction, and divorce.

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