While we were out… (The Glass House 15/2/06)

Muslims worldwide riot over insulting cartoon depictions of Mohammed. They say he deserves nothing less than the highest-quality CGI.

Riots over cartoon depictions of Mohammed cause a hitch in Disney’s production of Mohammed and the Seven Virgins / Shrek 3: Allah Fucks a Pig.

Muslims riot over cartoon depictions of Mohammed they say they are insulting. “It’s not fair – why couldn’t they have gotten Matt Groening to draw some? Or those South Park guys – they do a great Jesus.”

Muslims rioted and burnt embassies in response to cartoons… apparently the worst “Fred Bassett” they’d ever read…

Cronulla erupts in furious riots. They must have seen that cartoon too…

Race riots at Cronulla Beach meant they had to cancel the actual race…

Race riots at Cronulla Beach at the first annual “Lebbo Scum vs Nazi Poofters Beach Volleyball Championships”…

Race riots at Cronulla are dubbed “not racist” by Howard. He reiterated, “We will decide who comes to our beaches”…

Federal Parliament takes a “conscience vote” on abortion pill, causing many politicians to search the hearts deeply to see if they can find a conscience…

John Howard’s popularity soars as everyone goes on holidays and forgets about their workplace agreements…

Kerry Packer dies and no-one on Channel 9 shuts up about him for the next month… / Kerry Packer dies and all the media he owns produce special features about how great he was…

And this week the PM has arranged a Memorial Service for Kerry Packer. In honour of the man’s business acumen, the Memorial is costing the taxpayer one dollar for every dollar of tax Kerry avoided paying…

Kerry Packer tributes take up more than 20 pages in most newspapers. Iraq War coverage can now be found somewhere in the middle of the Classifieds.

Oh, and we’re still engaged in an illegal war. Anyone remember?

It turned out it wasn’t WMDs in Saddam’s back pocket after all – it was AWB.

Finally we found some WMD’s – although it stood for Wheat Market Dodginess.

AWB pays kickbacks to Saddam Hussein by massively inflating the price of wheat. Trade Minister Mark Vaille denies all knowledge, even though he’s the one who checks the figures. Turns out he thought he was reading the wheat price, but he was looking in the kickbacks column… / Turns out he just thought the price of wheat was rising at the same rate as the price of bribes.

The government denies any knowledge of AWB kickbacks, continuing its quest to be the most ignorant government in the world.

The government says it knew nothing about AWB paying kickbacks to Saddam, and I for one believe them. The WMDs proved that this government has absolutely no idea what’s going on in Iraq. That’s why we had to invade – it’s research! / That’s why we had to invade – to find out!

Mark Vaille emphasises that the Nationals are going to stand more independently from the Liberals. And Howard’s happy to let him have independent ownership of the wheat scandal. / That’s right Mark, you’re perfectly capable of having your own wheat scandal.

Mark Latham is charged for assault and smashing up a journalist’s camera. He would’ve gotten away with it too, except the still intact memory chip some very incriminating shots of him wielding a hammer…

Jessica Simpson splits from husband. The new series of Newlyweds is retitled Newlyfuckyou. / The new series of Newlyweds is retitled For a Good Time, Just Call Jessica.

Jessica Simpson swears off boys for the next year. “This year, it’s men only!”

New sedition laws mean that The Glass House is still able to… no, I can’t do that joke. Nope, not that one either. Hmmm… that’s a maybe… next…um. I love the government!

Australian distributors refuse to show Brokeback Mountain in some cinemas – they claim it’s “too sophisticated”. It’s the world’s first example of censorship by flattery.

That way they can please the homophobic lobby by not showing the film, and then console the anti-censorship lobby by telling them they’re smarter than everyone else. And it frees up more cinemas for Big Momma’s House 2… so everybody’s happy!

Remember the episode of South Park where Cartman claims all arthouse films are about gay cowboys eating pudding? Well, I found the pudding scene in Brokeback Mountain way too sophisticated.

Russell Balding quits the ABC to run Sydney Airport, and our in-flight stewards will be around later offering headsets and selections from the drinks trolley…

Bert Newton hosts Family Feud on Channel 9, Larry Emdur goes back to 7 for Wheel Of Fortune, and just to stay competitive, next week the ABC brings you Pick-A-Box hosted by Banjo Patterson.

Brendan Nelson is “promoted” from Defence to Education. The new Education Minister Julie Nelson is so unimpressed with her new position that she drops a bomb on a school.

Shappelle’s Mum claims Shappelle would refuse to go to Australian jails due to the “big, butch sheilas”. “And she gets plenty of that from me and her father.”

Shappelle’s brother was arrested and her Dad’s past record and close connections with drug dealers was revealed. 60% of Australians are now said to feel like “suckers”.

Makes me wish I’d done what I’d wanted to do when there was that “Free Schapelle” rally. I wanted to join them at the front with a massive sign that said “FREE ALL DRUG DEALERS!”

Shane Warne announces he’ll make his acting debut on Neighbours. (Apparently he was too good for Home & Away.)

Shane Warne announces he’ll make his acting debut on Neighbours. He’ll be phoning in all his lines…

Shane Warne announces he’ll make his acting debut on Neighbours. Apparently the plot involves a wicked googly.

Shane Warne announces he’ll make his acting debut on Neighbours. He wanted to work on Home & Away but all the actresses threatened to quit…

Senator Julian McGauran quits the Nationals to join the Liberals, although the Nats now get the first draft pick next time.

Nationals are furious after a Senate defection causes them to lose a Cabinet seat. The Liberals are not that concerned; after all they’ve already passed all the legislation they needed a Coalition for…

With the federal Coalition showing cracks around the edges, John Howard looks for a new Coalition of the Willing…

Australian cricket fans are accused of racism by South Africans, of all people. Really, how low have we sunk? Whoops, guess that was a racist joke…

Wolf Creek becomes the highest grossing R rated Aussie film. Especially the scenes with the stabbings and beatings – gross as.

Wolf Creek becomes the highest grossing R rated Aussie film. In some scenes, the gross is so high you can’t see the film.

The U.S. bombs Pakistan, forcing George Dubya to apologise. “Weren’t that Iraq? They all look the same to me!”

Saddam’s trial progresses extremely slowly, as he keeps storming out of the courtroom. I guess contempt of court doesn’t mean much when you’re up for genocide.

Saddam Hussein demonstrates a ground-breaking method of defending yourself in court; keep saying you’re the President and walk out after a few minutes each day. It’s like being George Bush at work. / Well, it works for Dubya.

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