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Good News Week

Politicians’ Perklessness (GNW 14/9/09: monologue)

Taxpayers funded $10 million worth of leaflets printed by MPs leading up to the last election. I’ll vote for anyone who doesn’t spend my money on getting me to vote for them! If only I knew who they were. / If only there was some way they could let me know. / If only they had some sort of informational leaflet.

The government is reviewing the system of parliamentary perks, including the “life gold pass” that gives former long-term MPs and their spouses free first-class domestic flights for life. They just don’t want Costello doing another book tour.

The government is reviewing the system of parliamentary perks, including the “life gold pass” that gives former long-term MPs and their spouses free first-class domestic flights for life. It’ll still be free, but now they’re going to have to walk there. / It will remain free, but instead of first class flights, they’ll be shot out of a cannon.

No wonder our politicians have always looked so perky. Must’ve been all the perks.

Of course, using the printing allowance for electoral material gives incumbent MPs an unfair advantage over challengers. But if it weren’t for that sort of advantage, I mean you could end up with any old party getting elected.

Of course, using the printing allowance for electoral material gives incumbent MPs an unfair advantage over challengers. Then again, so does getting to make up the laws, run the country, and sit in the big chair.

Many Labor MPs were upset at being portrayed as “rorters”, since the rules governing entitlements have been so unclear. If they’d known they’d been rorting, they would’ve gone the whole hog with the caviar and French champagne allowance.

Many Labor MPs were upset at being portrayed as “rorters”, since the rules governing entitlements have been so unclear. If they’d known they’d been rorting, they would’ve got TWICE as many hookers!

10 million dollars worth of leaflets! That’s a pretty bloody expensive way of filling up our recycling bins.

The audit revealed some parliamentarians had spent their $3000 “newspapers and periodicals allowance” on cardboard. But then for Senator Steve Fielding, cardboard is still a pretty challenging read.

3 thousand bucks on cardboard? I guess that explains Kevin Rudd’s corrugated brown palace.

The audit also revealed that the 3 to 4 grand “newspapers and periodicals allowance” was being spent on batteries, lollies, and cardboard. That’s what you get when you don’t give MPs a batteries, lollies and cardboard allowance.

Many politicians are claiming that it’s unfair to be portrayed as “rorters” when the spending guidelines were very unclear. How were they meant to guess, for instance, that a 4 grand “newspapers and periodicals allowance” was only meant to be spent on newspapers and periodicals? You’d have to be a mind reader!

Many politicians are claiming that it’s unfair to be portrayed as “rorters” when the spending guidleines were very unclear. How were they meant to know that they should only spend money on what it was allocated for? Madness.

Politicians say the spending guidleines are unclear, and are demanding to know EXACTLY which money they should be using to pay for cocaine and hookers.

Government MPs said that if they didn’t spend their allotted funds on how-to-vote cards, then the other mob might get back into power. And frankly, they’re a pack of rorters.

But if MPs didn’t spend their printing allowance on trying to get re-elected, it’d end up just going on policy and legislation. And no-one needs that.

To improve transparency, all politicians will now need to be made of cellophane.

From now on, how-to-vote cards will not only have to be paid for out of MPs’ own funds, but will also no longer be able to taunt opponents for not living in Canberra.

Some MPs had spent their newspapers and periodicals allowance on lollies. But then you can get a lot of information from a pack of Fantales. / But the Minister for Arts needs to keep up with the latest news from Fantales.

Politicians? Rorting? Fair shake of the sauce bottle…

Sure, they’re wasting millions of tax-payers’ dollars, but then again, no amount of money can really compensate them for having to work in Canberra. Have you been there? My god what a miserable hell hole. And the cold – THE COLD!

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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