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Good News Week

Scooby Rescue (GNW 14/9/09: monologue)

Eight rescuers worked for days to dig a four-metre tunnel and used expanding airbags to move boulders – and all to rescue an 8-year-old deaf dog named Scooby. And they’d have succeeded too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids!

Sounds like a job for Scooby-Doo! Oh, right.

Scooby had chased a rabbit down a hole beneath 100 tonnes of rock, where he stayed stranded on a ledge for 5 days. The rabbit was not rescued.

The rescue was a great success, with only three casualties.

So Scooby’s home safe, ready to kill again.

To ensure it won’t happen again, the family has gassed all the rabbits on their property.

The RSPCA rescuers used expanding airbags to lift boulders out of the way. Though the same rescuers were tragically killed on the drive home.

12-year-old Jack Newton cried with relief to be reunited with his “best friend”. Hey Jack, next time you might want to find a best friend who can’t fit in a rabbit hole.

After five days trapped in the cave, slowly chipped out by a mine rescue team, NSW fire officers, and rescue workers from the RSPCA, the dog was free. Unfortunately, it turned out to be the wrong dog, so they put him back.

Of course, all the time, effort, and money spent on rescuing the dog will make it all the more heartbreaking when he’s run over.

Steve Coleman, chief executive of RSPCA NSW, said he would not speculate on the cost of the operation. Not because it was expensive, just because all the calculations have to be multiplied by seven. / have to be made in dog-dollars.

When asked how he found being stuck down a cave for five days, the dog said it was a bit ruff. Ruff. Ruff.

After being trapped down a hole for 5 days, the dog was hungry, tired, and inconsolable about the lack of crotches to sniff. / lack of arses to sniff.

The dog was trapped down the hole for 5 days without food, water, or walkies.

Five days trapped underground, and he never did find that bone. / where he’d buried that damn bone.

That’s the last time Jack throws the stick down a hole. / plays fetch down mysterious holes.

Steve Coleman, chief executive of RSPCA NSW, said “I don’t think that the public would expect us just to walk away because it’s all too hard.” Although, if they didn’t get to the dog in time, they could just claim it was playing dead. For a long long time.

They rescued the dog from the underground cave, but the rabbit he chased in there is done for.

Already the dog has been paid a quarter of a million dollars to talk about his ordeal on A Current Affair.

Apparently the dog is a cocker-spaniel Todd Russell cross. / Jack Russell Todd Russell cross.

They’ve just discovered Scooby’s a crossbreed – he’s part Todd Russell.

The dog said being trapped down a hole for 5 days without food and water was pretty bad, but not as bad as losing his testicles. / but he still prefers it to going to the vets. / to having a bath.

Jack’s mum Melissa Newton said that everyone should donate to the RSPCA. Because they’ve totally blown their budget and can’t afford the petrol home.

Scooby’s always been a mischievous dog. And next time he wants attention, he knows where to go.

Scooby was shocked at all the attention when he was rescued. He now believes he’s the world champion at hide-and-seek.

Scooby would never have been trapped down there in the first place if the rabbit hadn’t scared off Shaggy.

He’s actually Scooby-Doo’s little known nemesis, Scooby-Don’t.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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