Monday, September 21
Kevin Rudd turns 52, which in anyone’s language is a fair old shake of the sauce bottle.
Kevin Rudd will turn 52! He’s looking forward to tucking into his big birthday cake made of earwax.
Kevin Rudd will turn 52! He’s going to get Peter Garret to jump out of a yellow cake!
Tuesday, September 22
Tomorrow, Sydney will host the world premiere of the remake of “Fame”. Remember that? Me neither.
Tomorrow, Sydney will host the world premiere of the remake of “Fame”. Promises to be “Lame”.
Tomorrow, Sydney will host the world premiere of the remake of “Fame”. I think it’s gunna live forever.
In Sydney, an American analyst on the Middle East will give a speech about Jerusalem, entitled “It’s Looking Pretty Screwed, Huh”.
In Sydney, an American analyst on the Middle East will give a speech about Jerusalem. Hang on, Jerusalem’s in the Middle East? No wonder they have so many arguments!
In South Africa, the Champions Trophy Twenty-20 cricket contest will begin. Australia will be without Ricky Ponting, and so may stand a chance of winning!
Wednesday, September 23
Wednesday’s Australian Bar Awards should crack on into the wee smalls.
On Wednesday it’s the Australian Bar Awards. Go if you want some good head. On your beer.
In Perth, an exhibition of vintage Barbie dolls will open, for any sad losers who are into that.
In Perth, an exhibition of vintage Barbie dolls will open. Only the owners have aged hideously.
Wednesday’s exhibition of vintage Barbie dolls in Perth will go horribly wrong when the gallery is overwhelmed with hordes of undersized plastic women with no nipples and flammable hair.
On Wednesday, an exhibition of vintage Barbie dolls will open in Perth, and I must say, she looks pretty pert for an old chick. But I hear she’s had work done. / hear they’re fake.
Canberra will host the Commonwealth Ombudsman conference on Wednesday. But who ombuds the ombudsmen?
Canberra will host the Commonwealth Ombudsman conference. It’ll be Ombudsmen everywhere! / There won’t be an Ombud left unmanned.
In Brisbane, Qld. Premier Anna Bligh will give the State Of The State address, if she’s in a suitable state. / in a dress, and in a state. / in a state of undress.
Bruce Springsteen will turn 60. Gee, he’s no spring steen.
On Wednesday, Bruce Springsteen will turn 60. Time for the Boss to retire… / He may have been born to run, but now is happy to manage a good hobble.
Thursday, September 24
Thursday’s G20 summit in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania will go horribly wrong when Kevin Rudd turns up.
Kevin Rudd will be heading to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and the next G20 summit. He’ll make sure to pack his new T-shirt “We’re in recovery – how about you?”
Egypt will host the FIFA under-20 soccer world cup. Ricky Ponting’s not playing that one either.
The list of Australia’s richest young people will be announced, if you want a guidebook to smug pricks asking for a punch in the face.
The Reserve Bank will release their Financial Stability Review, concluding that we’re financially stable – now we’re just mentally and emotionally screwed.
Friday, September 25
The Imperial Russian Ballet will perform “Swan Lake” in Brisbane, in the original Russian. Complete with wire taps.
On Friday, the Imperial Russian Ballet will perform “Swan Lake” in Brisbane, before heading back in their Imperial Fighter to the Russian Death Star.
In Brisbane, Friday’s performance of “Swan Lake” by the Imperial Russian Ballet will go horribly wrong when it is shot down by Han Solo, the Rebel Alliance, and a wookiee.
In Sydney, the inquiry into homelessness & low-rent accommodation will report, if it can just scrounge up a few biros.
In Sydney, the inquiry into homelessness & low-rent accommodation will report. Should offer a couple of hours’ decent shelter.
Canberra will hold the pre-season bushfire preparedness briefing, in which everyone will be issued with a tent and covered in sand.
Catherine Zeta-Jones will turn 40, but she’s still a Zeta worth Jonesing.
Saturday, September 26
Saturday is World Contraception Day. They urge everyone not to come.
Saturday is World Contraception Day, though it’s still unclear who gave birth to that idea. / how that idea was born.
In Melbourne, it’s that one day in September, the Grand Final. I think it’s Grandmothers versus Grandfathers.
In Melbourne, it’s that one day in September, the Grand Final. Should be… grand.
In Melbourne, it’s that one day in September, the AFL Grand Final. It’s kinda like rugby without the shitting in hallways.
In Brisbane, the Rebels bikie gang will celebrate their 40th birthday. Instead of candles, they’re just going to blow out a few Bandidos. / light up a few Bandidos.
In Brisbane, the Rebels bikie gang will celebrate their 40th birthday by blowing out a cake full of Comancheros.
In Brisbane, the Rebels bikie gang will celebrate their 40th birthday by riding around and around on their widdle bikies going “weeeeeeeeeeeee!”
In Vienna, Saturday sees the Michael Jackson tribute concert, apparently featuring Jermaine singing a duet with Michael on a backing-track. The way Jermaine’s always wanted it. / Finally, Jermaine’s put his uppity little brother in his place.
In Vienna, it’s the Michael Jackson tribute concert, allegedly featuring Jermaine singing a duet with Michael – on tape. Which is spooky, since when he died Michael mostly WAS tape. / Which at this point is probably preferable to in person.
The list of the 400 richest Americans will be announced, just so the dole queues know where to send their CVs. / requests.
The list of the 400 richest Americans will be announced, just so the others know who to rob. / mug.
On Saturday, the list of the 400 richest Americans will be announced. Well, the 23 that are left, anyway.
On Saturday, the list of the 400 richest Americans will be announced. So clearly the GFC hasn’t got to them all yet.
Sunday, September 27
The Gold Coast will host the Australian University Games. The one with the smartest students WINS.
The Gold Coast will host the Australian University Games. I’m looking forward to the wet mortarboard competition! / the wet academic robes competition! / the beach volleyball and dissertations!
The Gold Coast will host the Australian University Games. Winners will be awarded a PhD.
Sunday is the Australian University Games. And the prestige of victory for the winning University makes it well worth offering a Bachelor of Running Quickly. / Masters degree in Fastness.
Monday, September 28
Monday is World Heart Day. Don’t turn up, and it’ll just grow fonder. / Make sure you’re not there, and it’ll grow much fonder of you. / They’re expecting a lot of absentees, but that actually just makes them grow fonder.
Monday is World Heart Day. The way there is through Stomachville.
Monday is World Heart Day. I’m looking forward to Stomach Tuesday, and WedNadsDay.
Next Monday is World Heart Day, which will make for a pleasant change from the preceding Spleen Week.
Darwin will hold a hearing into the impact of the financial crisis on regional Australia. Apparently it will have quite an impact once they hear about it.
Darwin will hold a hearing into the impact of the financial crisis on regional Australia. Although what an English naturalist from the 1800s would know about it is anyone’s guess.
