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Good News Week

Comfy cows (GNW 12/10/09: Strange But True)

Norweigian cows are producing more milk and have fewer udder infections since new regulations mean cow sheds have been filled with soft rubberised mattresses for them to lie on. Or, for younger cows, to bounce on.

Norwegian cows give more milk and have less udder infections, and all because they’re more comfortable. They spend half the day relaxing on special mattresses, and the other half being milked. Takes me back to the old Doug Anthony All Stars days.

Norweigian cows are producing more milk and have fewer udder infections since their cow sheds have been installed with soft rubber mattresses. And, for the kinkier bovines, soft rubber gimp-costumes.

Ahhh. Udder relaxation.

The mattresses mean the cows produce 5-6 percent more milk. But you have to talk it out of the carton. / But you’ve got to rouse it before it will pour. / But it’s never up in time for your cereal.

The resulting milk is homogenised, though you’ve still got to shake it awake. / shake it to wake it.

Although we need to keep some cows uncomfortable. They make yoghurt. / sour cream.

Even better, if they use the mattresses like a bouncy castle, you get udder-fresh milkshakes!

It’s easy to understand. After all, I’m always happier if I can lie back and relax when I’m being milked.

And the cows give even more milk if they have a daily facial and a hooficure.

Unfortunately, some get so comfortable they never want to moooooove.

And for the best quality milk, feed your cows peeled grapes while fanning them with palm fronds and gently, gently tickling their udders with feathers.

The farmers still have to get up at 4am, and blister their fingers over 16 hour days. If only they were cows.

The relaxing mattress rules do have a drawback – the relaxed cows’ hooves don’t wear down. So now they need a pedicure too! / But they don’t mind it – it gives them something to file during their idle time.

The cows should produce even more milk if they’re allowed to roam free, lie in the fields and not have to go through milking.

And you can easily upgrade them to a leather couch by slaughtering their neighbour. (Now that’s relaxing!)

The restful comfort technique has been so successful they tried upgrading them to leather couches, resulting in some seriously psychologically-scarred cows.

The mattresses are perfect for cows that find it hard to sleep. Until now, they’ve had to count sheep. (Which is hard to do on a dairy farm. / Which, on a dairy farm, is zero.)

It takes the cows back to their childhood – like snuggling into Mum’s giant udder.

Doctoral student Lars Erik Ruud said the cows “lie about half of the day, which is natural for them”. It’s hard-wired into their genes from the soft rubber mattresses of the wild.

The company that makes the beds is called “In the Mooed”. / “So Fine Bovine”. / “Bovine Divine”. / “Udder Comfort”.

Cows naturally want to lie down for about half the day. Well you’d want a rest too if you had to carry around four stomachs.

It was either get comfy mattresses or go back to using cowsmack.

Farmers decided to trial the rubberised mattresses, as the cows were just not rolling up their futons.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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