Old athletes on drugs (GNW 12/10/09: 7 Days in 7 Seconds)

The World Masters Games in Sydney are weighing up the difficult decision of what drugs can be permissible, to ensure, in the words of one games consultant, that athletes aren’t “carking out on us”. Yeah, carking out athletes are such a pain to administrate.

Games consultant Nicki Vance said “We don’t want people carking out on us”. Yeah, they should really make carking out against the rules.

For instance, it’s acceptable for an athlete to have a pacemaker. In fact, if you crank it, it wins the race for you!

Just because you’re in your eighties doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be an athlete! Although it’s hard being a swimmer. Your wrinkles all spread out and make you look like a manta ray.

Even if you’re blind, deaf and crippled, you can still win races, as long as people point you in the right direction and give you a push when the gun goes off.

You’ve got to expect old people at the Masters Games. You want younguns, go check out the Whippersnapper Games. Before I give you a taste of me belt.

Athletes can get a therapeutic use exemption for their medicines. What’s surprising is the number of athletes who are suffering from serious anabolic deficiency. / testosterone deficiency. / from a chronic lack of masking drugs.

Tests have found a number of senior athletes on performance-enhancing drugs. But then their results aren’t affected by Viagra.

Of course the usual performance-enhancer seniors use is just Viagra. But that can still help you to win by a nose!

Not only do the oldies get to keep using their drugs, but glasses and hearing aids too! NOT FAIR!

Not only are they using drugs and mechanical devices to regulate their heartbeats, but some of them even have electronic aids for their hearing, and special lenses to help them see better! CHEATS!

A senior without drugs? You might as well take away their health-care card and enter them in the 100 metre paranoid crazy fits.

But what are they supposed to do if they can’t have drugs? Exercise?

It’s a difficult line to walk. A pacemaker has to be considered a performance enhancer. And yet some people say it’s cruel to switch it off. Wimps.

I say zero tolerance. You want to go for gold, leave the pacemaker at home, buddy.

And of course, there’s also the oldies who just THINK they’re athletes. They’re on the best drugs of all.

It’s great to see older athletes enrolling in the Games. There’s plenty for them to compete in: there’s the 500 metre hobble, the hammer drop, the cross-country anecdote, and the hop, step and stumble.

But you’d feel pretty bad beating an 88-year-old. It’s enough to drive you to drugs.

Really, when there’s an 88-year-old in an event, drugs should be compulsory for everyone else, just to give him a chance.

The Masters Games are bad enough, but you should see the performance-enhancers they have at the Special Olympics. Some of the runners are given wheels!

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