Military Mutant Sharks (The Glass House 29/3/06)

The Pentagon has developed electronic implants to enable them to turn sharks into stealth spies. Perfect for catching terrorist pilchards.

These mutant sharks will be just what we need to reduce the terrorist threat in Baghdad and disarm Iran! There’ll never be another 9-11 now that we’ve got MIND-CONTROLLED SHARKS!

It’s good to know that the Pentagon’s not wasting their budget on crackpot schemes.

The report says that sharks are ideal as underwater spies because they can “glide quietly through the water, sense delicate electrical gradients and follow chemical trails”. A bonus is that when they locate the enemy they can DEVOUR them.

The report says that sharks are ideal as underwater spies because they are already underwater.

The implants fool the sharks into thinking that there are smells coming from the left or right, meaning that military chiefs can make them do their bidding. My pretties.

The Pentagon also have plans for zombie robots, nuclear vampires and an army of Klingons.

After the mind-controlled killer sharks, they’re moving on to giant radioactive lizards. Then the space-monkeys. At last.

And soon, your battered flake will be able to salt itself!

Their “electrodes in the brain” research is not only useful for controlling sharks: it can also be used in Guantanamo Bay.

The Pentagon first discovered that electrodes could be used for mind-control in some early experiments at Abu Ghraib. With any luck, they’ll be able to quell the whole Iraqi insurgency by similar means.

They’re thinking of using the devices out here too, but we’re going to implant them in refugees. What better way to get them to assimilate than ELECTROSHOCK BRAIN CONTROL MACHINES!

One plan is to use brain-controlled sharks as life-guards. Now that‘ll make our beaches safer.

One plan is to plant one brain-controlled sharks amongst a school of wild sharks, and it can gradually convince them to mend their evil ways.

They were originally planning to implant the devices in dolphins, but they just weren’t scary enough.

They’re really pouring resources into this War On Terrorism. If insurgents manage to build a submarine one day, we’re ready for them!

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