Eaten out of house and planet (GNW 19/10/09: monologue)

In the next 50 years, the world’s population will eat as much food as it has consumed so far over the entirety of human history. And it will read a million times as many emails!

In the next 50 years, the world’s population will eat as much food as it has consumed so far over the entirety of human history. Although not as many dodos. / far fewer dodos.

Humans will eat as much food in the next 50 years as it has consumed over human history. Even leaving room for dessert. / And the next day, we’ll still be hungry.

New crisis everyone! In the next 50 years, the world’s population will eat as much food as it has consumed over human history! But it shouldn’t be a problem, so long as we can have some of that delicious Soylent Green.

Too many people, not enough food – and yet this dire situation can be easily reversed if we simply allow cannibalism! / and yet the governments of this world still insist on outlawing cannibalism.

The future is clear – either you will be one of the eaters, or one of the eaten. / eat or be et.

Food production is going to be one of the biggest concerns in the coming years. Phhh – just add it to the pile…

Food production is going to be one of the biggest concerns in the coming years. Except, of course, for rising sea levels, global warming, running out of petrol, overpopulation, pollution, peak oil, water shortage, or any of the other six million problems we’re already freaking out about.

Running out of food is no big deal – most of us will have already drowned in the hot polluted seas, been killed by the next superbug, or been wiped out in the wars over petrol and water. Hooray!

But although there will be a great food shortage, there should fortunately still be plenty of McDonald’s.

However the researchers say there will be plenty of food for worms.

There’s one easy solution to this problem – climate change!

While we can no longer simply clear more forest and farm more marginal land, there are plenty of cemeteries just wasting their protein on worms.

The problem is that we’ve run out of room to simply clear more forest and farm more marginal land. We’re going to have to start building farms UP. / split-level farms. / going to have to develop mezzanine agriculture.

The problem is that we’ve run out of room to simply clear more forest and farm more marginal land. We’re going to have to start clear-felling the suburbs.

It’s not that hard to solve. All those empty naturestrips could become luscious veggie gardens, all those wasted rooftops could become permacultured foodcrops, and we could plant a giant orchard where Parliament House used to be.

To solve the problem, the government is going to implement a rigid water-use schedule, a one-child policy, and start the annual “Eat Your Neighbour” Week. / human-cull.

Hooray! In the future, we’ll all be supermodels!

Sure, we might not have enough to live on, but at least it’ll combat the obesity epidemic.

It’s not all bad news – those of us that survive will be sleek and slender.

But this is only bad news if you don’t like starving to death.

It might just mean we have to be a little bit less fussy about what we eat. Pandas, whales, chimps: your days are numbered.

It’s OK, we can just live on oil. / plastic. Can’t we?

And as we devour the planet, just remember the good things about humanity. We can talk about it.

How ironic that the only species able to comprehend its own mortality is the one desperately hastening it?

This isn’t really new knowledge. It just that the papers were a bit low on disaster stories this week.

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