A Bunch of Emotional Tools (GNW 2/11/09: monologue)

Relationships Australia have produced a booklet for men encouraging them to treat solving problems in their relationship like a DIY project. So now we can botch our relationships like we botched the carport and the decking.

Relationships Australia have produced a booklet for men encouraging them to treat solving problems in their relationship like a DIY project. See, blokes, it’s easy! Your wife just needs a bit of beating into shape.

Yep, treating your wife as a run-down house that needs bashing into shape – it’s a whole new form of respect.

So if you’re having troubles with the missus, just rest assured she’ll come good with a little emotional spit and polish.

Why should relationships be different from anything else? If it doesn’t work, hit it with a hammer – if it still doesn’t work, get a bigger hammer.

Unfortunately some men have taken the advice too literally, and nailed their wife to the wall. Though she’ll come up alright with a lick of paint.

Men just need to use the emotional tools they keep in the garage of their hearts. The beat-up car of freedom used to live there, but that’s long been sold for scrap by the missus.

Awesome. Now men’s emotions will be permanently unfinished disasters that do nothing but gather dust in the garage.

Men are being encouraged to treat their relationships like they treat their DIY projects – only work on them at weekends, alone, in the shed.

Of course, women already have a wide variety of emotional tools at their disposal. And their favourite is the love-spanner – for tightening your nuts. / for keeping a good grip on your nuts.

Turns out it’s all a big misunderstanding. They weren’t saying modern men NEED a big bunch of emotional tools – they were saying they ARE a big bunch of emotional tools.

Unfortunately, many men think that ‘emotional tools’ are what you call SNAGs. / metrosexuals. / My Chemical Romance fans.

Although usually the whole problem with men’s approach to relationships is that they think they can fix everything with their tools.

Men will now have access to a whole box of emotional tools, including a screwdriver, a power-drill, a love-hammer and a belt-glander. (Mmm… sensitive.)

The only problem with the emotional toolkit approach is that the instructions are in Japanese and the diagrams don’t make sense.

One tool is to ensure power is shared equally. That one’s called the “power tool”. (And unfortunately men are very reluctant to share it.)

Of course it’s just pandering to a stereotypical cliché. Especially the bit about how black men have bigger tools.

The trouble with men is that the only emotional tools they actually have is the lovepump – and the vise.

The emotional toolbox includes such tools as “avoiding misunderstandings”, “sharpen up your listening”, “resolving conflict” and even “love”. Though you’ll be stuffed if you try to use them to build a shed.

One Response to “A Bunch of Emotional Tools (GNW 2/11/09: monologue)”

  1. Andrew King Says:

    Well this is an interesting bit of satire and sacrastic writing writing. I actually have read the booklet and it was good. I only hope that you guys don’t have a relationship – it could be dangerous!


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