Good Next Week (GNW 9/11/09: closing)

Tuesday, November 10
In Canberra, Education Minister Julia Gillard will host the National Principals’ Forum, to discuss the problems & challenges facing Australian schools. The main one seems to be getting the kids to learn stuff.

The Big Aussie Swap: As part of National Recycling Week, events will be held around the country where people can swap items they no longer want. Sydney is looking for anyone who’s willing to make a trade for Kyle Sandilands. Anything accepted.

The Big Aussie Swap: As part of National Recycling Week, events will be held around the country where people can swap items they no longer want. I’ll be taking any offers for Mikey.

In Sydney, there’ll be a great debate on “Do Too Many People Go To University?” Who will win, the negative or the yeah-atives?

In Sydney, Tuesday will see the great debate arguing whether “Too Many People Go To University?” The question will be debated by a bunch of toffy rich white kids, and really, who gives a shit what they decide the answer is.

Wednesday, November 11
Don’t forget, Wednesday is Whatsaname Day.

Jakarta Fashion Week will attract a whole new kind of fashion photgrapher – the Jakartarazzi.

Jakarta Fashion Week may feature a whole new range of Sri Lankan threads. Or not.

World Cyber Games will begin in Chengdu, or at least, at chengdu.com.

World Cyber Games will begin in Chengdu on Wednesday. Well, virtually.

On Wednesday, the World Cyber Games will begin in Chengdu. Well, in a holgrammatic representation of Chengdu, made of pure information.

In Sydney, it’s the Qantas Spirit of Youth Awards, and as usual it’s being conducted by ouija board. / I wonder which dead child will win?

Wednesday sees the Spirit of Youth awards. If they capture it, they can finally refill the fountain!

Wednesday’s “Spirit Of Youth awards” in Sydney will be followed by the “Spirit of Youch awards” when someone drops the trophies on their feet.

Wednesday’s “Spirit of Youth Awards” in Sydney will be followed by the “Spirit of Middle Age Awards”, the “Spirit of Old Age Awards”, and the “Spirit… Awards”.

Wednesday’s Spirit of Youth Awards will be won by an ineffable wisp of nothingness.

The Qantas Spirit of Youth Awards will be given to whichever young person is willing to go down into the baggage hold and fix the hole.

Domino’s Pizza will launch their iPhone app. They say you can “experience ordering of the future”, which will explain why the pizzas will be late.

On Wednesday, Domino’s Pizza will launch their iPhone app. They say you can “experience ordering of the future”… Clearly, the future will be pretty much like next Wednesday. / Clearly, by “the future”, they mean “Wednesday”.

Domino’s Pizza will launch their iPhone app, which they say is the “ordering of the future”. You mean in the future you’ll be able to order pizza using a PHONE? Amazing!

In Sydney, Nickelback will kick off their Australian tour on Wednesday by playing songs at a variety of venues. Just thought you might like to know.

In Sydney, Nickelback will kick off their Australian tour. Hooray! Bogans will be able to see some rock stars under 50!

Hobart will host the National Congress on Environmental Health on Wednesday. Apparently we’ve moved the environment to a nice hospice, where I hear the nurses are lovely.

Hobart will host the National Congress on Environmental Health on Wednesday. Apparently we’re going to have to get it put down.

Hobart will host the National Congress on Environmental Health, and environmental health experts from across the country will wish they were living in Tassie.

Hobart will host the National Congress on Environmental Health, where the nation’s environmental health experts will be inspired by the Tassie wilderness to join in congress.

Demi Moore will turn 47, and should make the most of it – Ashton won’t be less than two-thirds of her age for much longer.

Thursday, November 12
In Melbourne on Thursday, the Telstra Women’s Business Awards will promise to give the major gong to Therese Rein if Kevin agrees not to carve their poor little company up.

On Thursday, it’s the Telstra Women’s Business Awards are being held in Melbourne, followed by the Telstra Secret Women’s Business Awards. I’ve got no idea where they’re being held.

In Melbourne, Tiger Woods will be appearing at the Australian Masters tournament. Didn’t know he was so old.

And seniors who think the Australian Masters golf tournament is for them will get their arses caned by Tiger Woods.

In Sydney, the Australian Privacy Awards will be overwhelmingly dominated by Name Withheld.

In Sydney, it’s the Australian Privacy Awards – I’ve got no idea where they’re being held, and frankly it’s none of your business. / and frankly, I wish you’d stop asking.

In Brisbane, the Commonwealth Bank will hold their annual general meeting, where they’ll just rub their scaly hands and cackle.

Friday, November 13
Friday’s Australasian Dirt Bike Awards will be ruined when a rainstorm turns all the dirt bikes to mud.

Friday’s Australasian Dirt Bike Awards will be ruined by gangs of feuding dirt bikies.

Friday’s Australasian Dirt Bike Awards will this year be amalgamated with the Filth Trike Awards, the Murk Wagon Championships, and the Battle of the Bog Trolleys.

In Melbourne, it’s the Nickelodeon Australian Kids’ Choice Awards. The winners will be sleepovers and chocolate ice-cream!

In Melbourne, it’s the Nickelodeon Australian Kids’ Choice Awards, dubbed “the biggest kids’ party on the planet”. Not counting Corey Worthington’s.

On the Gold Coast, it’s the Queensland Tourism Conference & Awards. Winner gets a pint and a stuffed cane toad!

On the Gold Coast, it’s the Queensland Tourism Conference & Awards, which they always try to sneak in before schoolies.

On the Gold Coast, it’s the Queensland Tourism Conference & Awards, after which a few delegates will hang around for a bit of schoolies action.

John Mayer will release his new album, proving that no massive quantities of cash can cure his blues.

Powderfinger will release their new album, “Inexplicably Popular”.

Powderfinger will release their new album, “Pull my Powderfinger”. Should be a real breath of fresh air.

Saturday, November 14
Saturday is World Diabetes Day, but don’t get too excited. We don’t want to raise your blood sugar levels.

Saturday is World Diabetes Day. Should be sweet – but it isn’t allowed to be.

APEC will be meeting in Singapore, which should suit Ruddy’s anal retentiveness.

Saturday’s APEC summit in Singapore will see delegates quickly work out their respective levels of power, or as it’s known “APEC-ing Order”.

Saturday’s “A Day At The Park” music festival in Cronulla will go a lot better than their “A Day At The Beach” multicultural festival.

There’s a music festival called “A Day At The Park”, in Cronulla. Glass bottles will be not just allowed, but provided.

In Toronto, it’s the World Rock Paper Scissors championships. Those who have made it this far either have ESP or really scary fists.

Forbes Magazine will release their list of the world’s most powerful people. I guess Barack Obama will win this one too.

Sunday, November 15
In Perth, it’s the Yoga Aid Challenge. Hundreds of people will gather at sunrise to perform 108 sun salutations in 108 minutes to raise money for charity. 108 is a sacred and magical number. It just is, ok?

The report on the performance of public & private hospitals is due on Sunday, and is expected to be fully sick.

Monday, November 16
On Monday, the Victorian Tourism Awards will be held in Melbourne. Now that’s an award that really gets you places.

On Monday, Canberra will host the 2009 conference on Australia’s Welfare. Apparently it’s this cool thing where you can get money without doing any work!

On Monday, Canberra will host the 2009 conference on Australia’s Welfare. Talks include “How to Fake Your Dole Diary” and “Looking for Work, Looking for Shmerk”.

In Canberra, the inquiry into the welfare of international students will report that it could be worse – they could be asylum seekers.

On Monday, the inquiry into the welfare of international students will report “run for your lives!” / “get out while you still can!”

On Monday, the inquiry into the welfare of international students will report that as long as their money’s pouring in, everything’s just fine!

Psychic John Edward will bring his tour to Adelaide, where he’ll speak to a barrel-load of people.

On Monday, psychic John Edward will bring his tour to Adelaide, while his physical body remains in Sydney.

On Monday, psychic John Edward will bring his tour to Adelaide – the perfect place to go if you’re hoping to talk to the dead.

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