Good News Week

Ned Skully (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

A farmer has produced a skull he claims to be that of Ned Kelly.  He refused to tell authorities where he got the skull, but if they pay up, he’ll give them Phar Lap and Bradman too.

Wow!  If this really is Ned Kelly’s skull, it will prove once and for all that he truly is dead.

The farmer made a convincing case that it was Ned’s skull, including moving the jawbone up and down and ventriloquising “Such is life!”

It may not be Ned’s skull, but they have definitively ruled out the possibility that it’s his pelvis.

He knew it was Ned’s skull from the minute he found it in a rubbish bin. / mailbox.

The skull does have “E. Kelly” written on the side.  It’s the 1850 version of genetic testing.

The skull does have “E. Kelly” written on the side.  So it either belongs to our Ned, or the guy who created Northern Exposure and Picket Fences.

Only the most hardened criminals actually write their name on the side of their skull.  That’s a brutal tattoo.

Good thing Ned made sure he labelled his skull – just in case he did lose it.

Forensics will determine whether the skull is male or female, the method of death, and how long ago the person died.  It might turn out that Ned Kelly was actually a woman!  And that she died only a couple of years ago, after a big night on the turps at the local bingo hall!  The wonders of modern science.

The Western Australian farmer who handed in the skull said that, if it turns out to be genuine, he’s also got the original Skippy’s paws – although they have been made into bottle opener. / he’s also got another couple of skulls lying around the place, and he’s pretty sure one of them is Gough Whitlam’s, and one is Crocodile Dundee’s!

Of course, if it’s not Ned Kelly’s, it’ll raise a lot of questions about whose skull it really is, and whatever happened to the farmer’s wife.

And if the skull is genuine, it might mean all the rest of those bones in his basement are genuine too.

And if they can identify that skull, the man has hope they can identify all the others he used to build his secret Altar of Sacrifice.  Er, FOUND, all the others he FOUND in his secret Altar of Sacrifice.  He means, Altar of Non-sacrifice.  Ahem.

Ned’s skull was stolen from a display case at the Old Melbourne Gaol in 1978.  Its location for the last 30 years has been a mystery, but suffice to say they’ve had no luck rebuilding him.

Hmm.  Not so much “Such is life” as “Alas, poor Yorick”.

If it turns out it IS someone else’s skull, their immortal soul is going to be pissed at having Ned’s name scratched into their skull.  Unless they were a fan.

Who cares if it’s actually Ned’s skull.  Just stick it in the helmet and everyone’s happy.

The repercussions are incredible.  If this really turns out to be the skull of Ned Kelly, it means… um… well, I guess nothing changes, does it.  Kinda seems like a waste of time, really.  Hmm.  Next story…

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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