Wil’s monolgue of laffs (The Glass House 12/7/06)

HOWARD CONVICTING HICKS

David Hicks has written to John Howard, describing himself as a “true blue Aussie”, who’s “determined to fit back into society and be a model citizen.” After four and a half years in Guantanamo, Hicks is so desperate to leave that he’s even offered to vote for Johnny.

David Hicks has written to John Howard, describing himself as a “true blue Aussie”, a “dinky di digger”, and a “bonza beer-bellied blokey-bloke”, which proves that just because you’re locked up in Guantanamo Bay doesn’t mean you don’t have access to a dictionary of Australian colloquialisms. / which shows just how out of touch he is. / which confirms that al Qaida definitely has access to Australian sitcoms from the 1950’s.

Hicks is determined to become a model Australian citizen. In fact he’s pretty keen to join John Howard’s army, so at last he can actually kill someone. “I’ve heard I’ll even get paid!”

Hicks has always been a model Australian citizen; he even went to fight in Afghanistan!

Seeing as he’s already been locked up for four and a half years without being convicted of anything, as soon as he gets out, I think he owes us a few serious crimes.

Howard’s said that Hicks has “committed more serious offences than most” of the Guantanamo inmates. Now that the military tribunals have been deemed unconstitutional, it’s up to our Johnny to decide who’s guilty.

Evidence, huh? Who needs it? We didn’t need it to invade Iraq, and we sure don’t need it to keep this Australian locked away for another few years. In fact, it’s about time we renamed the “War on Terror” the “War on Evidence”.

Though if he’s going to fit back in properly, he’s going to have to stop wearing that orange suit. Honestly David, it just makes you look like a terrorist.

I reckon if he’s anything like his dad, Dave is a true blue Aussie. I mean look at ’em – they’re just a couple of hicks…

Hicks is definitely a true-blue Aussie. In fact with his experiences he almost qualifies as an indigenous Australian.

NORTH KOREAN MISSILE TESTS

North Korea has launched at least seven missiles and is threatening to launch heaps more, but America is keen to work with the UN to achieve a solution through diplomacy. Because the North Korean WMDs are just Weapons of Mild Destruction.

America is keen to work with the UN to achieve a solution through diplomacy. Because now the baddies are the Muslims, we don’t have to be so hard on the Commies.

North Korea would’ve got a full-scale invasion like Iraq, but they’ve been shifted from the Axis of Evil to the Axis of Inconvenience… after all, North Korea has very little oil.

The Americans point out that we shouldn’t worry – the long-range missile test was a dud. Hmm… perhaps that’s why they’re still testing them…

The Americans point out that we shouldn’t worry – the long-range missile test was a dud. When they’re working properly, the missiles will be able to destroy the entire world several times over… just like the USA’s can!

The Americans point out that we shouldn’t worry – the long-range missile test was a dud. If they tried to hit America they’d fall well short – probably get no further than that big island in the Pacific… No worries!

The Americans point out that we shouldn’t worry – the long-range missile test was a dud. North Korean technology is nearly as useless as NASA’s…

The North Koreans have threatened anyone who tries to stop them testing more missiles – basically, if anyone tries to stop them developing their bombs, they’ll bomb them.

North Korea has threatened that if the international community tries to stop them testing missiles they’ll take “physical actions of a different nature”. Kim Jong-Il will go around the United Nations and give every delegate a sloppy kiss. “Urgh! Please – just give him whatever he wants!”

Let’s check up on the Axis of Evil scorecard here. Iraq: total shambles. Iran: developing nukes. North Korea: have nukes and are test firing them. Yep. Looks like they’re winning. I’m switching sides: E-V-I-L- Go Evil!

FOR THE 90TH TIME HOWARD WON’T TELL YOU WHEN HE’S LEAVING

John Howard says there’s been “no deal” on a leadership handover to Peter Costello. “It’s more of a ‘sexual favours’ kind of thing.”

Howard: “There’s no deal – he’s just going to stab me in the back and piss on me as I bleed to death.”

Costello claims there is a deal – although, it’s more like a contract signed in his own blood.

The ALP insists that Howard should name his retirement date because he “owes it to the people” – yeah, the people in the Labor caucus. They’re not sure who to hate.

RAVE ON, POLLIES

South Australian Democrat Sandra Kanck says MPs should go to raves to learn about drugs first hand. Kanck said she would rather go to a party where “happy people” take ecstasy than a pub where aggressive drunks were “puking all over the place”. She should get out of politics.

Do we really want our politicians on ecstasy? Personally I can’t think of anything scarier than Beazley and Vanstone on the dancefloor, pashing.

Hang on, yes I can; Ruddock dirty dancing.

HEDGEFOX HOWARD

A former Liberal staffer has said John Howard’s moved on from the days when he was a one-issue hedgehog to become “the ultimate fox”. In fact he’s a hedgefox.

John Howard’s moved on from the days when he was a one-issue hedgehog. He wants to be a three-issue marmoset. Can’t wait!

In a lot of ways, John Howard is like a fox; he may not have a bushy tail, but he continually tails Bush.

JONESTOWN MASSACRE

ABC Enterprises has stopped publication of a book about Alan Jones, claiming it’s not a good, commercial proposition. But the book was really banned because it proves once and for all that Alan Jones is a gay Aboriginal woman. / Lebanese lesbian.

Howard said, “Nothing in a book like that is going to alter my view of Mr Jones, who I think is an outstanding broadcaster. And a top root.”

WE HATE JAMES HARDIE

While James Hardie’s asbestos victims continue to wait for a little bit of compensation, their CEO has been given a 66 per cent raise and a $2.5 million bonus. Well, those compo claims have been sitting around in a high interest account – they had to do something with the earnings.

The catch is, the bonus is housed in an asbestos lined chamber…

Hopefully they’ll pay the bonuses in asbestos.

The Australian chairwoman thinks the board members deserve another raise. Yeah, so do I – a raise into the asbestos-lined ceiling! So they can DIE!

BRASSAULT

A UK schoolgirl faces charges over “pinging” a classmate’s bra. If it’d been a nipple cripple, she’d face the electric chair.

THE CASE OF MYSTERY WOMAN… IF THAT IS HER REAL NAME

The identity thief known as Jodie Harris and many other names has finally been arrested. It’s alleged that as well as stealing dozens of identities she’s used her police officer boyfriend to pose as a police officer herself. No wonder they’ve taken so long to catch her – she was chief detective on the case…

The woman accused of faking hundreds of identities is pregnant… if it is her baby.

The woman has been charged with faking more than 100 different identities; although she claims that they’ve mistaken her for someone else.

They’ve finally caught her – all 100 of her.

They’re glad they’ve finally caught her – now they can release the 99 people who they thought had committed the crimes.

PEPSI DOBS IN COKE THIEVES

The FBI have arrested three people who tried to sell Coke’s recipes and samples of a new product to Pepsi, after Pepsi notified Coke. Pepsi weren’t interested in Coke’s recipes – they’d heard that Coca-Cola rots your teeth.

The details of the secret Coke recipe have leaked: it’s one part cocaine to two parts Pepsi.

The three people had details of the secret Coke recipe. They also had information about KFC’s 11 secret herbs and spices, and knew the precise location of Dubya’s brain.

The three people had details of the secret Coke recipe. They also had information about KFC’s 11 secret herbs and spices, and definitive proof that the abominable snowman is actually the Loch Ness Monster.

Do you need any more proof of the worldwide Cola Conspiracies? They’re all in it together, conspiring to rot your teeth and control your mind! Resist – or be carbonated to death!

CONCRETE SOCCER BALLS

Two soccer fans have suffered broken toes after trying to kick footballs that have been left around Berlin filled with concrete. They found the culprit, but ended up breaking more toes when they kicked him in the balls.

LAY ME DOWN TO REST

Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has died shortly before being sentenced to jail for charges of conspiracy. Or at least that’s what THEY want us to believe…

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