The skills to steal the bills (The Glass House 11/10/06)

A British study suggests that thieves should be classed as expert professionals alongside surgeons and pilots, because they performed complicated tasks automatically and with a high degree of skill. I agree, burglars would make great surgeons – who can forget the Great Tumour Heist of 98?

I think some burglars are already surgeons; remember when someone stole Michael Jackson’s face?

I don’t know if I trust a burglar-turned-surgeon: there’s a risk that, when they open you up, they’ll just empty you out and do a runner. / they’ll hock all your organs at Cash Converters. / they’ll just trash the place.

Burglars are capable of climbing to the top of their career ladder, breaking through the glass ceiling and stealing the precious jewels of senior management.

Burglars and thieves can make it to the top of their career ladder, and maybe one day get a spot on the board of James Hardie… / Burglars and thieves make great bank managers and politicians, but you need to be a heartless murderer to get on the board of James Hardie…

The study concludes that burglars were an “untapped resource for employers”. Just don’t employ them in the Accounts Department… / Just don’t employ them to guard the safe…

With a bit of education, these burglars could find skills that would mean they wouldn’t need to steal. They could synthesise their own drugs.

Of course, not all burglars are experts. Just the ones that haven’t been caught…

Dr Nee believed her research could be used to help teach ex-burglars when they are slipping into their old “expert behaviour” – for instance one sign is if you’re breaking into houses to take valuables that don’t belong to you.

In fact, most burglars are just practising to work as Treasurer. Although, when you’re Treasurer, you stop calling your loot “stolen goods” – you call it a “surplus”.

The researchers found burglars were better at identifying details that put homes at risk than police officers were. They were also better at breaking in and stealing stuff. / But the cops were better at arresting people…

The researchers found burglars were better at identifying details that put homes at risk than police officers who advise on home security. So next time you’re securing your home, make sure you get a burglar in to do the job properly. So to speak.

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