Terror-prevention pen (The Glass House 25/10/06)

The Internet, home of genius ideas, has a new one – the Terror Prevention Pen. Each pen sold from “Infidel’s Revenge” contains pig’s blood, so any suicide bomber blowing you up gets covered with pig’s blood – damning their soul for eternity. It’s so convenient – at last, you can stop lugging that pig around.

The pen can be a bit hard for suicide bombers to identify though, so you’re still safer carrying a pig.

It’s not that you don’t get into paradise; it’s that your virgins don’t want to root you covered in pig’s blood.

So pigs are safe from jihad! Already the US is training up its Porkforces…

From now on, the US is only sending pigs to fight in Iraq. They don’t mind: they were headed to the slaughterhouse otherwise – and this way, at least they get a natty uniform!

To really secure yourself though, you do have to wave it in front of every mildly suspicious person and say “My pen will damn you to hell!”

The pen “doubles as a great everyday writing pen”. And when it runs out of ink, you can use the pig’s blood to write jihad-free reminder notes!

The pen “doubles as a great everyday writing pen”- but you have to write in blood.

Great for signing away souls to Satan!

I’m not sold on the idea: it’s bad enough when your biro leaks.

Of course Osama is too smart to be outdone by a simple pen manufacturer. His latest decree states that pig’s blood still banishes you – unless you have been touched by the Stationery of Allah. / unless you have the Liquid Paper of Allah.

Al Qaida are striking back with suicide-bomber liquid paper.

Al Qaida pens are filled with the blood of infidels – with a little bit of powdered ink up the top. / – and with a tiny bomb in the nib.

Osama revealed it’s all actually a dastardly al Qaida plan – “It’s really goat’s blood! Got you a beauty, Western infidels!”

I just wear a hollowed-out pig as a jacket. I’m always safe, and the snout makes a great conversation piece.

The pen makes a perfect gift – particularly for suspect terrorists / wannabe suicide bombers!

Apparently, any contact with pig’s blood at the moment of death sends a devout suicide-bomber to everlasting damnation. So isn’t the pen kinda useless? By the time any tiny shreds of your blown-up body collide with your victim’s blood-pen, chances are fairly high that you’re already dead.

The pen works best if you stab them with it! And you can do that with ordinary pens too!

Not only can you deter terrorists from blowing you up, they can use it to write “I will not kill civilians” 100 times.

To make it clear to the terrorists that you have an anti-terror pen, why not draw them a picture of a pig?

It will also stop any suicide bombers who have an aversion to nasty ink stains.

It also helps stop you chewing the end of your pen…

And it’s good news for vampire swine.

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