Oh what a year (The Glass House 29/11/06)

BUSH DUCK

It was the year that George Bush became a lame duck President, which is the best way to protect himself from being shot by Dick Cheney.

It was the year that the US Congress was voted back in to the hands of the sane-by-comparison.

DICK SHOOTING

It was the year that Dick Cheney shot his friend Harry Whittington in the face, and the world mourned: why couldn’t it have been Bush?!

Dick Cheney shot his friend Harry Whittington in the face. Yeah, well the US used to be friends with Saddam Hussein too…

With friends like Dick Cheney, who needs mass murderers?

COALITION OF THE LOSERS

It was the year that the Coalition of the Willing finally woke up to the idea that we are the Coalition of the Losers. Dubya is having his “Mission Accomplished” banner changed to read “Whoops”. / “Sorry, my bad”. / “I fucked up”. / “Disaster Accomplished”. / “Civil War That May Not End In Our Lifetimes Accomplished.”

I’m so glad Bush and Howard created all those elaborate lies to get us to invade Iraq. It’s turned out really well: now we’ve got higher petrol prices, thousands of dead allied soldiers, hundreds of thousands of dead Iraqis, a massive terrorist breeding ground, and the increased likelihood of an Islamic Fundamentalist Superstate! Mission accomplished! (salute)

It was the year that we won the War in Iraq, there was no War on Terror, and all Australians were dressed in green and gold tracksuits – oh, no, hang on, that was just John Howard’s dreams.

The bad news out of Iraq continued – the soldier who accidentally shot himself, the soldiers who accidentally shot the Trade Minister’s boyguards… why don’t we ever get to hear about all the people that we slaughtered correctly?

It was the year in which a survey of Iraqis said 61% of the population now approves of attacks against US forces. See – a stable working democracy! / democracy in action!

HICKSVILLE

David Hicks continued to rot in Guantanamo. That’s five years now! If he ever gets out, he’s going to owe us a few serious crimes.

RUMSFELD OOT

Dubya finally got rid of Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. Although justice won’t truly be done until Rummy’s stacked in a naked human pyramid with attack dogs snapping at his genitals.

SADDAM TRIED

It was the year that evil, nasty, wicked tyrant Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death by the good, kind, nice people who replaced him.

And for putting so many of his people to death, Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death…

For killing Iraqi civilians, Saddam Hussein was arrested and sentenced to death. Unfortunately George W. Bush is still at large…

Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death for killing innocent Iraqi civilians- coz killin Iraqi civilians is our job!

And Saddam was sentenced to being ousted from his country by illegal invaders, put before a kangaroo court, and eventually murdered. Hooray for freedom! /Yay democracy!

WOMEN ARE CATFOOD BOMBS

It was the year that Abu Bakar Bashir said skimpily-dressed women were worse than bombings, and Sheik Al-Hilali compared them to cat food. Basically they were both saying that girls in bikinis go off!

Abu Bakar Bashir said skimpily-dressed women were worse than bombings, and Sheik Al-Hilali compared them to cat food. And you don’t wanna know what they think of skimpily-dressed catfood.

Abu Bakar Bashir and Sheik Al-Hilali have teamed up to create a more suitable attire for women; the new head-to-toe bikini – or, as they like to call it, the “burhkini”.

ASYLUM FUN (AND ENGLISH TESTS)

It was the year in which asylum detainees could earn “points” for playing sport and taking English lessons, which they could then trade for soft drinks and phone cards. Earn enough points and you can trade them in for a free flight back to where you came from.

It was the year in which the Government tried to introduce a citizenship test to ensure that migrants speak a functional level of English. So as you’re fleeing that brutal dictatorship, make sure you grab a dictionary on the way over…

Now immigrants will need to take an English test: speak it too good, and youse can just get farked.

It was the year that migrants needed to show a functional level of English. Unlike people born here.

John Howard said it was important for immigrants to know about our failed explorers, our cop-killing bushrangers and our genocidal land-grabs. It’ll make them proud to be from somewhere else!

New immigrants will need a good understanding of Australian values to figure out why they’re behind razor wire…

AUUSIEE VVAALLUUEESS

It was the year that “Aussie Values” became the new political catchword. Apparently, it’s something about how many verses of Khe San you can remember. / Apparently, it’s something you prove in pie-eating contests. / by dwarf-tossing.

It’s easy to define “Aussie Values”: it’s whatever the Australian government would do – oh, except illegal invasions, accepting kickbacks, and lying to the public. Those are just plain old unAustralian. / – that means illegal invasions, accepting kickbacks, and lying to the public are all good Aussie Values.

In an attempt to out-Aussie each other, the Liberal Party changed their name to “The Wankers”, while the ALP became “The Yobs”.

BIG BROTHER DISSED

It was the year that Big Brother Up Late was axed – that kind of offensive behaviour is reserved for parliament.

GROBAL WALMING

It was the year that John Howard finally accepted the reality of global warming, although he did try to blame Saddam Hussein.

The government embraced the fight against global warming, by turning on all the air conditioners at Parliament House.

The Prime Minister tried to convince us all that nuclear power was the best solution to global warming. Except for Iran. They’re going to have to just keep on warming until we say so.

If we really want to reduce global warming, just tape Johnny and Kim’s mouths shut!

NOOKS

It was the year that John Howard continued to use his friendship with George Dubya to promote nuclear power: “If we can just get North Korea to bomb us, we’ll have enough nuclear power to run Sydney for years!”

John Howard encouraged discussion of nuclear powering Australia. That way, the biggest nuclear threat to Australia can be… us!

Howard said nuclear power’s much more efficient – we won’t need as much lighting once we all glow!

John Howard got very enthused about exporting uranium after meeting with George Bush. Although Dubya prefers to export his uranium in bomb form.

Howard wants nuclear energy, and the ALP came out in favour of uranium enrichment. So whoever you vote for, we’ll be one step closer to what we all really want – our own nukes!

It’s all softening us up for eventual nuclear weapons of our own. After all, we’ll need them to protect us from North Korea’s. And Indonesia’s. And Lord Howe Island’s.

AWB – ACRONYM OF THE YEAR

The Cole Inquiry concluded that there was no evidence that Government ministers including Howard, Downer and Vaille knew about the AWB kickbacks. Well, according to the inquiry that wasn’t allowed to find out what they knew.

Of course the ministers knew nothing about AWB’s kickbacks to Saddam despite the 21 reports to that effect. They were far too busy memorising half-baked conjecture and discredited intelligence reports to read any facts!

We finally found some WMD in Iraq – Wheat Market Dodginess.

A RUTTING GOOD CARTOON

An Indonesian cartoon portrayed Alexander Downer and John Howard as a pair of rutting dingos. What an insult! They’re much more like buggering wombats.

Howard couldn’t care less, saying he’s never offended by cartoons. And he actually quite likes rutting with dingos.

Of course, in real life, they weren’t dressed as dingos…

The cartoon caused huge riots, with the streets being filled with thousands of angry dingos.

John Howard responded, “I’d never rut a dingo. I prefer to rut the Australian people.”

BEAZLEY’S GONE MAD

Kim Beazley continued to exhibit symptoms of his rare brain disease, making us nostalgic for when the ALP leader only had pancreatitis and Tourette’s…

Kim Beazley showed he’s not only one of the few people in Australia not to know Rove McManus’s name, but one of the few to know Karl Rove’s…

I HAVE A LOW INTEREST RATE IN THIS JOKE

It was the year that the Howard government kept their promise of keeping interest rates “at record lows”. They just had to keep changing when the record was measured from…

“It’s the lowest ever interest rate this whole week!”

I HAVE NO JOB

It was the year that The Glass House was cancelled just in time to avoid broadcasting in a Federal election year. Isn’t coincidence a funny thing.

AUNTY-BIAS LEGISLATION

As part of new ABC anti-bias rules, “global warming” is being renamed “Fun in the Sun”. / is now only being referred to as “global cooling”.

Thanks to the new anti-bias rules, the ABC of 2007 promises to bring peace in Iraq, record low interest rates, and global cooling! / and Kim Beazley forgetting his own name! / and fluffy puppies frolicking in the beautiful mid-day global warming!

TEA TOO

It was the year that T2 shares hit their lowest point ever – they’re now valued at two cocoanuts and a cockleshell.

HOWARD DECAYED

It was the year that John Howard celebrated 10 years as Prime Minister. And Australians everywhere got pissed – half to celebrate, half to drown their sorrows…

Howard’s leadership turned 10. No wonder it’s a snotty-nosed brat who spends all its time playing shoot-em-ups.

Being a ten-year-old explains why the Howard government is so interested in nuclear power: it’s been reading way too many Spiderman comics… / it’s hangin’ to get bitten by a radioactive spider.

The Howard government celebrated its 10th birthday. No wonder it acts like an immature brat.

No wonder it wants to play wargames and dress-ups: it’s only 10! It’ll only pay attention to global warming if we call it The Cubbyhouse Effect.

After ten years of John Howard, we’re not at war, there’s no GST, and there’s children overboard everywhere we look!

It was the year that we realised we’d had John Howard in power for a decade, and that it really really wasn’t just a bad dream.

OLD QUEEN

The Queen turned 80; so, really, she should know better.

OLD AUSSIE TV

It was the year in which Aussie TV turned 50, with the PM saying “it’s a wonderful medium for the sick and the lonely”. Which is no way to talk about Eddie McGuire.

HOLEDIGGERS STUCK IN A HOLE

It was the year that Brant and Todd became national heroes for being trapped down a hole and crapping in a hat.

It was the year that Brant and Todd became national heroes. Immediately, John Howard and Kim Beazely trap themselves down a hole and crap in their hats.

It was the year that the Beaconsfield miners got a million dollars for their story, which was mainly “Yeah, we sure were stuck in a mine.”

It was the year that two Aussie miners got pulled from a Shaft, so went to a Crazy Horse instead.

TOM AND KATIE AND NICOLE AND WHATEVER

It was the year that Tom and Nicole raced each other to the altar. Nicole’s wedding celebrations started first, but sadly Keith hasn’t realised they’ve finished yet…

It wasn’t long before Nicole realized that she’d moved from a religious lunatic to a drunken no-hoper. But at least Keith’s only crazy when he’s pissed. / But at least Keith sobers up occasionally – Tom’s just plain old loopy.

DEAD ICONS

It was the year that we saw the shocking premature death of Steve Irwin – there are so many animals he never got to molest / poke with a stick / wrestle to the ground.

And now Brockie and Steve Irwin are up in Heaven together, arguing over who’s the bigger Aussie icon…

It was the year that Australia discovered a whole new public enemy number one: Stingray bin Laden!

It was the year that saw the death of Aussie Icons Steve Irwin and Peter Brock. It should’ve been Ken Done! / Warnie!

OUR VERY OWN DRUNKEN NAZI

It was the year Mel Gibson got pissed, drove like a dickhead, and spouted racist abuse. Good to know he’s still an Aussie at heart.

Mel Gibson was arrested method acting for his new film The Passion of the Drunken Nazi.

BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE NORTH KOREA

It was the year that North Korea launched some nuclear missiles, and America was keen to work with the UN to achieve a solution through diplomacy. Because now the baddies are the Muslims, we don’t have to be so hard on the Commies.

And let’s check up on the Axis of Evil scorecard in 2006. Iraq: total shambles. Iran: developing nukes. North Korea: have nukes and are test firing them. Yep. Looks like evil’s winning. I’m switching sides: E-V-I-L- Go-o-o-o-o Evil!

WORKCHOICES – NOT!

It was the year that the government pushed through their workplace reforms, based on a document only four pages long. It’s in a pretty big font too. In fact it just reads: “1) Sack workers; 2) Rehire for less money; 3) Buy new Mercedes”.

The government admitted they hadn’t actually done any economic modelling as such on the effects of the IR laws. Their approach was more of a “suck it and see” one. Yeah, we suck it and they’ll see.

WHERE THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YA, YA CUNT

It was the year of the genius “Where the bloody hell are you?” tourism campaign. Although the Brits toned it down to “Where the ruddy heck are you? I can’t see through all this damnable fog.” / “Come backpacking in Australia – where the bloody hell is you!”

The Poms finally agreed to show our “Where the bloody hell are you?” ads on TV. Tourism Minister Fran Bailey said it was a “bloody good decision”, and that it was “about time the fuckers changed their shitty laws”.

In Singapore, they censored Australia’s “Where The Bloody Hell Are You?” tourism campaign. (Show slide: “Where the ****** Hell Are You?”) That way it looked even ruder.

You can’t say “Bloody” in Singapore. Remember to order a Bleepy Mary, or you could end up facing the firing squad and covered in your own bleep.

Singaporean drinks menus include the Bleepy Mary, the Slippery Bleeple and the Bleep-Bleeping Cowboy.

When asked about the censorship, the Minister for Tourism said it was the work of “some pig-fucking cock-knuckle”.

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