The Sideshow: soon to return at a later time + Ep. 10 monologue material

Hi folks, well, looks like we’ve got a bit of time off… in case you didn’t see it, the show is on a break and will return on Saturday August 18th at the new time of 9:30pm. The show is scheduled to return to the 7:30 timeslot later in the year. (UPDATE 9/7/07: It now looks like the 9:30 timeslot will in fact be for the rest of the year. Just further proof that you shouldn’t trust anything you read here…)

Here’s the material we wrote for stories on Episode 10…

17 MPs from the National Party have offered to go door-knocking for John Howard in Bennelong. Door-knocking is always a lot quicker when you’re riding your cow.

They want to repay the P.M. for all the visits he’s made to their electorates. So they’re dressing up a pig and teaching it how to say “Interest Rates”.

Peter Costello has also offered to door-knock. For Maxine.

Some of the Nationals actually misunderstood the proposal, and not only door-knocked but door-pulped and door-woodchipped.

John Howard is against the idea – he was actually hoping people had forgotten he was in bed with those hicks… / he was actually hoping people had forgotten a vote for him was also a vote for the bumpkins.

John Howard has said thanks but no thanks – he doesn’t want his constituency to think they’re being visited by the cast from “Deliverance”.

The Nationals go a-door-knockin’… dinkadink dink dink dink dink dink diiiink…(Deliverance dueling banjos)

This comes after news of an ACTU plan to contact and lobby thousands of union members in marginal seats. If the Nationals and the Unions are walking the streets on the same day, it’ll look like a Gorilla Pride March.

Between the Union heavies and the Nationals thugs, it may be hard to cast a vote and not end up in a ditch.

Union leaders will be door-knocking on behalf of Maxine McKew…

Dean Mighell originally said he would do it himself, but he misheard “door-knockers” for “PHWOOAR – knockers!”

So looks like we’re all going to be door-knocked to death this election. I recommend a shark-infested moat.

Between door-knocking, automatic phone-calling and endless political advertising, you may want to consider hiding under the bed with a bag over your head till election day.


If you’re curious about what your cat does all day, a German inventor has come up with Cat-Cam! You attach it to your pet’s collar and it takes one photo a minute for 48 hours – which will be one photo of its litter, one photo of its dinner, and about 250 photos of its comfy spot on the couch.

Which is a great idea if you want 100 pictures of birds. / of mushed up sardines. / of it licking its own crotch.

This way if you don’t think your cat is pulling its weight in mouse-catching, you can present it with hard evidence.

It does have drawbacks, however: now cats are spending all their time editing their pics in Photoshop. / now cats spend all their time cropping, resizing and red-eye-reducing their prey. / now they’re using Photoshop to make that mouse they caught look really big.

Not only will the cameras tell you where puss-puss has been all day, but they’re great for catching feline terrorists. / catching rodent terrorists. / catching terror-rats.

Thanks to the cameras, cats won’t just catch mice, kill them and toy with their entrails anymore: they’ll catch mice, use their footage as evidence in the case for the prosecution, and wait until the sentence has been handed down to toy with their entrails.

Cats will soon have their own Funniest Home Video Show – mostly of mice accidentally juggling their own entrails.

Coming soon: A Jerry Springer Cat Special: “I Ate The Neighbour’s Tuna!”

I’ve always wanted to spy on cats. I just don’t trust them! Beneath that cute fluffy exterior, they’re all claws and teeth. / It’s those shifty eyes… and their cute little iggy-piggy button nose.

Of course they’ve been using these devices in hospitals for years. They call them CatScans.


Our favourite door-knockin’ Nationals MPs were going to be on the show, but they heard there was a pig-stickin’ in the back paddock, and dint wanna miss it. / heard someone was havin’ a clam-bake. / but had to be home to slop the pigs and shuck the corn.

The door-knocking Nationals MPs were going to appear on the show tonight, but they got caught up having a cuppa next door.

Ridley Scott was going to be on the show tonight, but he got distracted reading a gripping screenplay about Kerplunk. / Pick-Up Sticks. / Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Ridley Scott was going to appear on the show tonight but he’s got to spend two more turns in jail.

Ridley Scott was going to appear on the show tonight but he’s got to pick up his prize from a beauty contest.

James Packer & Erica Baxter-Packer were going to appear on the show, but they don’t mix with the common people. / but they heard it was going to be watched by commoners.

James Packer & Erica Baxter-Packer were going to appear on the show, but they’re too busy finalising a deal on the price of love.

Tony Blair can’t appear tonight – in these last few days he just can’t bear to leave number 10.

Tony Blair was going to appear on the show tonight, but at the last minute we realised he was just really boring.

Eddie McGuire was going to appear on the show as ex-CEO – however now he’s decided he won’t resign after all, but will play on and try for the ownership.

Mike Tyson was going to be here tonight, but he’s such a talker, I was worried he’d chew my ear off…

Mike Tyson was going to be on the show to chew the fat, but he misunderstood and had to be thrown out of the studio…

Anthony Mundine was going to be on the show, but he’s busy training for his World Title defense, and didn’t want to risk accidentally engaging his brain. / frontal lobes.

Harry Potter can’t be here; we’d tell you why, but we’re not allowed to spoil the surprise…

We couldn’t get any federal politicians to come on the show tonight – they had some vacations to rort off the taxpayers. / they were all busy serving our country by relaxing on a beach somewhere, drinking cocktails out of cocoanuts.

LATER (Topical &/or Used)

Zelda the Amazing Contortionist confounds us all by swallowing her own mouth!

Amanda Vanstone gets deported!

And, with the impending release of the new Transformers movie, John Howard tries to get the youth vote by calling himself “Optimus Prime Minister”…

Amanda Vanstone gets shot out of a cannon!

The Incredible Daisy, Half-Woman-Half-Cow, will show us why people come for the stage-show, but stay for the milk!

Amanda Vanstone gets thrown from a building into a pile of steaming horseshit!

Tony Blair will attempt a miraculous escape from a humiliating wartime defeat…

Amanda Vanstone gets set alight before being eaten alive by wolves!

The ABC will juggle a Saturday night variety show through an unbelievable variety of timeslots…


Our fine federal politicians will start their 6 week Winter break from parliament. Coincidentally, so does The Sideshow. In fact for the next six weeks, the government’s going to be run by Dr Who…

Amanda Vanstone will start work as Australia’s Ambassador to Italy – she’s going to start by eating a leaning tower of pizza…

Amanda Vanstone will start work as Australia’s Ambassador to Italy – already she’s described the country as “totally UnAustralian”…

Tony Blair will leave office in disgrace after the Iraq War; although possibly not as disgraced as the people who were stacked naked in pyramids.

Tony Blair will leave office, and the Coalition will become 1/3rd less willing…

Paris Hilton will be released from jail, her management contract and her sanity.

Eddie McGuire will step down as CEO of Channel 9; next in line is Bert. / Baby John Burgess.

Australia’s population will reach 21 million, and if you think a 21st is a piss-up, you should see a 21 millionth birthday…

Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban will celebrate their first wedding anniversary, and a few celebratory champagnes will end up as a lengthy stint in rehab…

It’s 10 years since the first Harry Potter book was published, and J K Rowling finally admits the basic story was stolen from “Saturday Night Fever”.

It’s 10 years since the first Harry Potter book was published, and J K Rowling reveals that originally Harry was a talking rabbit, Voldemort was a dancing hedgehog, and that instead of magic, the book was largely about collecting stamps.

It’s 10 years since the first Harry Potter book was published. Surely he’s due to graduate.

It’s 10 years since the first Harry Potter book was published. He’s well into puberty now: in fact, the next book is called “Harry Potter and the D-Cups of Doom”. / “Harry Potter and the Chest of Hair”. / “Harry Potter and the Tissue-Box of Secrets”. / “Harry Potter and the Melons of Mystery”.

It’s 10 years since Mike Tyson bit a chunk of Evander Holyfield’s ear off, and he’s nearly completely over his craving for another.

It’s the 20th anniversary of Red Nose Day; and the tenth anniversary of Mike Tyson’s Red Ear Day.

The ABC will celebrate its 75th anniversary – at 8 cents per day that’s now cost you $2200 each. Hope you’re enjoying the show…

The ABC will celebrate its 75th anniversary. And if we stop saying bad things about the government, we may even last to 76.

The ABC will celebrate its 75th anniversary, by sending us here on The Sideshow on holiday. I think they were afraid we might embarrass them at the party.

Kerri-Anne will celebrate 1000 Morning shows. Imagine how much cocaine that is!

Kerri-Anne will celebrate 1000 Morning shows, and confess she’s been recording secret Evening shows in private.

Wimbledon will begin, in a boon for tennis fans and late-night advertisers.

Wimbledon will begin, which is great news for people who like to see balls being hit back and forth with bats made out of string.

Wimbledon will begin, which is always great for fans of grunting.

Anthony Mundine will defend his Super Middleweight Belt from the evil Pants-Accessory-Thieves…

Anthony Mundine will defend his Super Middleweight Belt. From the Ultraquarks of Nebulon 5, I think.

In competition with the Live Earth concerts, Bob Geldof will perform a moving tribute to global warming by singing about a school shooting. We all help in our own ways.

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