The Sideshow Ep. 11: monologue material

Well, we’re back at the all-new time of 9:25 Saturday nights… and that means more blog posts of Mat & Wok’s weekly brain dump. Here’s last week’s material for the stories that went to air.

John Howard, Australia’s own Master of the Ring, has stamped his tiny foot and told the Iraqi government to work harder on political reconciliation. ‘Coz reconciliation is his specialty…

John said Baghdad should take its cue from Iraq’s football team, which has players from all different religious factions. You should see their Satanist goalie!

John Howard is similarly intending to take inspiration from the Australian soccer team – and lose.

The Iraqi soccer team has triumphed despite sectarian differences. The Sunni goalie’s really wanted to kill the Shi’ite captain for years, but he’s their best midfielder!

Iraq’s football team triumphed despite all the odds. They were great under pressure, especially in sudden death matches…

“Maybe if the government followed that example, they’d be having fewer problems”, he said, “and besides, that last suicide bombing was clearly offside.” / he said, before he quickly handballed the problem to someone else…

Howard himself has always based his decisions on what sporting teams have done. For instance, he only decided to go into Iraq after a big win by the Bombers…

The trouble is, Iraq is already based on a footy match – only instead of hand passes, they use hand grenades.

The trouble is, Iraq is already based on a footy match – and it seems the home team has the advantage…

The Iraqi Government has taken Howard’s advice and now, instead of working on how to reduce suicide bombings, they’re kicking a ball around parliament.

In response, an Iraqi government spokesman blew up…

Alexander Downer said if Iraq doesn’t get its act together, there could be a change of government in Australia and they’d have to talk to Kevin! Is that a threat or a promise?

Alexander Downer said if Iraq doesn’t get its act together, there could be a change of government in Australia! Insurgents bring it on!

Alexander Downer warned the Iraqis that Australian troops would pull out if the Coalition lost the election, adding “this wouldn’t happen if we had a dictatorship! That Saddam had some good ideas after all!”

***

Polls polls polls. The country’s gone poll crazy! The latest poll shows that people are still catching up with the poll before last.

58% of people are going to vote for whoever’s leading in the polls.

24% of people think the ALP will win the election in a landslide, 13% think it will be in a mudslide, and 3% pick the Coalition in a hail of volcanic ash.

27% of people follow opinion polls because it’s just another sport, 17% follow them because they’ve bet on the result, and 15% read them to find out what their opinion is.

The latest poll reports how people would vote on a variety of possible election dates through the rest of the year, which were cross-referenced with a 100 page questionnaire about family background, income levels and hobbies. Over 80% of respondents now support a dictatorship.

91% of people polled said Kevin Rudd spoke more Mandarin than anyone else they know, 46% of people said Kevin Rudd ate more mandarins than anyone else they know, and 20% of mandarins polled said “Don’t ask me, I’m just a mandarin”. The other 80% refused to comment.

82% of people were just in the middle of making lunch when we called. / 38% just had to go turn the music down before they answered any of these stupid questions.

89% of people poled said “go away, and take the bloody pole with you”. 11%, however, loved being poled, and 2% asked us if we could whip them on the nipples at the same time.

69% of people poled said they thought they were being asked in for a pole-dance, while 31% of people thought they were getting a poll with a happy finish.

APOLOGIES: SHOW 11

Elvis Presley can’t be here tonight to celebrate the 30th anniversary of his death. In fact, even if he’s still alive, he’d probably be dead by now.

Elvis can’t be here tonight – it’s the 30th anniversary of his death, and by now he’s a hunka-hunka churning lumps.

Elvis can’t be on the show tonight – but his maggotty bones can!

Dr. Mohamed Haneef couldn’t be here tonight, since he no longer has a Visa. The Federal Police claim he left it at the site of a terrorist attack…

Dr. Mohamed Haneef was going to be with us tonight, but he’s busy opening up a second-hand SIM shop…

Dr. Mohamed Haneef can’t be here tonight, but we are trying to get a Variety Show Visa for him.

Dr. Mohamed Haneef was going to be with us tonight, but he’s not allowed to profit from the proceeds of the crime of his second cousin.

We invited the Queen to be on the show, but she was not amused.

The Queen couldn’t be on the show, apparently she was afraid we might make her look like a sour old grump. What, us?

The Queen can’t be here, she’s busy suing the BBC to prove that she’s not a sour old grump. Uh-huh.

The crew on the Space Shuttle Endeavour can’t be here tonight. But then, they should be glad to be alive at all.

Scary Spice is sorry she can’t be here, she’s busy counting Eddie Murphy’s money.

Scary Spice can’t be here tonight, she’s getting married in Las Vegas. Well, she’s got to spend Eddie Murphy’s paternity money somehow.

Scary Spice can’t be on the show tonight, as she’s still reeling from the fact her kid was fathered by a talking donkey.

NEXT WEEK: SHOW 11

Next week the world’s leaders arrive for APEC, and to protect the likes of George Dubya the government has arranged for extra-high-security traffic jams.

Next week the world’s leaders arrive for APEC, where they’ll be fighting for freedom in Iraq, and closing off public streets in Australia.

Next week the world’s leaders arrive for APEC, where the leaders will quickly establish APECing order.

The APEC Conference in Sydney will see world leaders clad in traditional Australian dress. Just like the pre-colonial Aborigines, they’re going to be going nude. Which is how Johnny and Dubya prefer to see each other. / So business as usual for Johnny and Dubya.

The APEC Conference in Sydney will feature world leaders wearing traditional Aboriginal outfits. The possums will be killed by Gucci!

The APEC Conference in Sydney will feature world leaders wearing traditional Aboriginal outfits. It makes up for not letting any Aborigines into APEC to make decisions that effect their own land…

Rumours have it the costumes the world leaders will have to wear at next week’s Sydney APEC meeting are green tracksuits and “Vote Liberal” T-shirts.

John Howard has said that this year’s APEC outfits will be traditional Bush wear. That’s whatever Bush wants them to wear.

The APEC conference will feature world leaders dressed in traditional Australian garb. That’s zinc cream and speedos. / budgie smugglers.

It’s the 100th anniversary of the completion of the rabbit-proof fence. If only we hadn’t put in that cat-flap…

It’s the 100th anniversary of the completion of the rabbit-proof fence. Well, that worked, didn’t it.

It’s the 100th anniversary of the completion of the rabbit-proof fence. And that’s why we don’t have any rabbits any more.

It’s the 100th anniversary of the completion of the rabbit-proof fence. Turns out it was actually just a dispute between the neighbours from hell!

It’s rumoured that Prince William will announce his engagement to Kate Middleton. In about 50 years, she could be our hottest-ever Queen!

The Federal Court will decide whether Dr. Mohamed Haneef should get his visa back. But no matter what, he’s NOT getting his SIM card back!

The Federal Court will decide whether Dr. Mohamed Haneef should get his visa back. And right on! Why should we let innocent people flaunt their freedom around like that?

The Federal Court will decide whether Dr. Mohamed Haneef should get his visa back. I mean, he may not have done anything wrong, but he’s still a bit foreign! / but his name is still Mohamed.

A new poll will show that John Howard is not only perceived as old and dishonest, but unco with funny eyebrows.

A new poll will show that John Howard may be old and dishonest, but that the people still trust his eyebrows.

A new poll will show that John Howard may be old and dishonest, but that that’s what people want from a leader. / but he also has some negative qualities. / that’s why we voted for him.

Peter Costello decides not to challenge for the position of next year’s opposition leader…

The Northern Territory turns into one enormous dry area – which is frankly unAustralian.

The Northern Territory turns into one enormous dry area filled with armed officers – just one step closer to bringing Iraq home!

With the invasion of Iraq a complete schermozzle, John Howard commences his invasion of Australia.

BHP will announce their yearly results – A+.

BHP will announce their yearly results – more big holes in the ground again this year.

The World Transplant Games will kick off with the Spleen Relay, the Synchronized Grafting, and the 100 metre Splint.

The World Transplant Games will kick off, featuring memorable sports like Kidney Put, the 100 metres bleed and the Hop, Step & Stump.

And I’m looking forward to the Intestine-Unravellin’ Javelin!

The World Transplant Games will kick off with a huge opening ceremony – the lighting of the torch, the releasing of the doves, and the unveiling of a new liver!

The International Slavery Museum will open. At last – all your favourite forms of slavery under one roof.

The International Slavery Museum will open. Whether you love the old ball and chain, prefer the steel manacle, or are more of a “neck-irons” fan, there’s inhuman cruelty to everyone’s taste!

The International Slavery Museum will open. Entry’s free, but you’d better not be in a hurry to leave… / but you have to buy your freedom. / but exit costs 20 years hard labour.

The International Slavery Museum will open. Good, it’s about time we enslaved all those dinosaur skeletons, and turned them all to our evil bidding! Moohahahahahaaa!

Soon after, the Intergalactic Slavery Museum will open. Their prime exhibit is a little display called “Planet Earth”…

Lindsay Lohan will be in court on drink driving charges. Paris Hilton described the case as “sooo last season”.

Lindsay Lohan will be in court on drink driving charges. If she goes to gaol, Paris Hilton says she’ll sue. “Like, that was my thing.”

Lindsay Lohan will be in court on drink driving charges. She will explain that she was trying to drink responsibly, but her judgment was impaired because of too much cocaine.

Daffodil Day! Hooray! At last Daffodils get their own day! Don’t tell me they haven’t earnt it! They’re yellow, and boy, can they pollinate!

It’s world Daffodil Day. Next week we’ve got Fuchsia Day, followed by Tulip Fortnight and Just Buy A Fucking Flower Month.

The Soccer A League will launch their 2007 / 2008 season! And at the same time the Soccer A-Team will kick some poor fool’s ass! I pity the foo’! I said, I pity the foo’!

The IAAF Athletics World Championships will begin, coinciding with the annual peak demand for anabolic steroids…

The Melbourne Writers’ Festival will begin, and the Sideshow’s writers will head down to… mmm… this joke doesn’t seem to have an ending.

Leave a Reply