The Sideshow Ep. 18: monologue material

A British reverend has likened John Howard to the man who ordered the execution of Jesus. I disagree; Howard would never order Jesus be executed. He’d be detained indefinitely on Christmas Island instead, which for Jesus means a non-stop birthday party!

But Howard would never order the execution of Jesus. He’d get a minister to hint to a departmental staffer that that Christ fella would look pretty good on a cross and then deny all knowledge of it.

But Howard would never order the execution of Jesus. In fact, he would never even read the cable, or, if he did, he would have no recollection of the event whatsoever, if it in fact ever actually happened.

Sure Howard may have been similar to Pontius Pilate, but you know who nailed him up on the cross? Union thugs!

Rev. Peter Macleod-Miller said Howard’s leprous soul should be exorcised out of office to allow compassion back into Australia. I know how to do it! Just charge into Kirribilli House with a crucifix and some holy water, and start reading the IR Information Booklet backwards.

It all makes sense now. John Howard wants global warming to heat the world up – hot like the fires of Hell!

That’s why Howard spends so much time power-walking – he’s getting his daily exorcise.

Exorcising Howard’s leprous soul could be colourful. “Your mother sucks at the teat of the welfare society in Hell!” / “Your mother will have to apply for jobs like any other unemployed person – in Hell!”

“I cast ye out, Jonathon Winston, back into the hell-pit from whence you came… the opposition back bench!”

Well folks, here’s exactly how to exorcise John Howard. Step one: spatter him with holy water. Of course, this can only be done before 8:00 in the morning on Wednesdays. Step two: cast out all the evil spirits who would do him harm – this means sending Costello out of the room. And finally, you utter the two most magical and holy of words – which to Howard would be “The Economy”. / And finally, you utter the most magical and holy of names – “George Dubya Bush”.

If Howard’s possessed Australia, does that mean we’ve spent the last 11 years with our head spinning around, spewing pea soup? And if so, what does that do for our greenhouse emissions?

It’s one thing to exorcise Howard from our collective soul, but can we also get rid of this Downer, he’s a right pain in the neck. Also I’ve got this serious case of Costello down my right side.

Apparently, Howard is like “the man who ordered the execution of Jesus”. Rudd is like the guy who would’ve ordered the execution of Jesus if he’d been in power – and Costello is like the guy who ordered the poisoned loaves and fishes.

It’s all very well exorcising Howard’s leprous soul, but we’re just going to end up with Rudd’s lecherous one. Or, even worse, Costello’s treacherous one.

At least we can rest assured that Costello’s soul isn’t leprous – he hasn’t got one.

Of course, all politicians are tools of the antichrist! You think you get into politics by being nice to people?

To get into politics, you go down to the crossroads at midnight, and, when the Evil One appears, you sign away your soul. It’s much like WorkChoices.

All our pollies are working for the Horned One. Rudd? You think he’s speaking Mandarin – he’s actually reciting the Lord’s Prayer backwards! You think Peter Garrett’s on the side of good – he only wants to save the trees so he can use the wood for crucifixions! You think Peter Costello’s on God’s side – of course you don’t! / And Peter Costello – how much more blatant could Satan get?

Tony Abbot has clearly made a pact with the devil for supernatural powers of hearing.

A British reverend has likened John Howard to the man who ordered the execution of Jesus. Howard is pleased with the comparison, after all, if Jesus wasn’t executed, how would he be able to pander to the Christian vote?

A British reverend has likened John Howard to the man who ordered the execution of Jesus. Of course, the guy who killed Jesus was kinda responsible for Christianity taking over the world… ah, I see.

I don’t know what he’s on about. Jesus wasn’t that great anyway. What did he do, other than bang on about being nice to each other and magicking up a few loaves and fishes? Kindness and fishfingers don’t help the economy, do they?

***

In India, people who’ve never experienced air travel now have the chance. They can pay $4 to sit in an Airbus that never takes off, buckle their seat belts, watch a safety demonstration, listen to announcements about turbulence from the pilot & be served drinks & meals by flight attendants. So it’s actually better service than Virgin…

It is now officially the world’s safest airline. Although it does have the highest recorded levels of “turbulence-due-to-kids-pushing-the sides-of-the-plane-in-mid-flight” in the world.

The plane has only one wing, no lighting and the toilets don’t work. A large part of the tail is missing and the air-con is powered by a generator. But you can re-enact “Snakes on a Plane” for free!

Unfortunately, the ride can’t give you the feeling of crashing and dying, like a real plane can. But for a little extra money, they will throw you to the ground and set you on fire.

The ride has inspired Virgin and Jetstar with new ways to offer cheaper tickets…

The ride has inspired Virgin and Jetstar to create new cheaper return flights that save money by not leaving at all.

It’s the only flight where your home is still there waiting for you at your destination.

The plane only has one wing, so you can also experience the panic of flying in a one-winged plane.

The plane has only one wing, which is really one too many for its purposes.

The plane only has one wing. Probably a good thing they keep it on the ground. / It was a new model they were trying out.

The plane only has one wing, and several of the seats still have bloodstains.

They’re pretty lucky to come by it. Planes with only one wing and most of the tail missing generally don’t make it to land.

One of the highlights is listening to the announcements about turbulence. Though if you actually experience any turbulence, something’s gone terribly wrong.

At last there’s some employment opportunities for pilots with a fear of flying. / fear of heights.

Just like trains in India, the worst thing is that there are people crawling all over the outside of the plane.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

The Queen was going to be on the show tonight, but she’s busy giving evidence at the 4th and final inquest into death of Princess Diana. She says she has nothing to do with the death, and if you don’t believe her, she can just as easily get you bumped off as well. / if you don’t believe her, you could be next.

Could Prince Charles please report to the latest inquest into Diana’s death; there are some doubts around your claims that a dingo took your wife.

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I’d like to make an official Sideshow announcement: as the citizenship test is now in force, we’re now making every audience member prove they’re Australian. If you laugh at jokes about Shane Warne and Shannon Noll, you’re out! / If you don’t laugh at our special test-joke about the two boongs and a lezzo, you’re out!

Could all potential Australian citizens please raise their right hand and recite Don Bradman’s final ten test scores.

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Remember American adventurer Steve Fossett? It’s now been a month since he disappeared without a trace. The weirdest part of the whole thing is, no-one can figure out exactly how he pissed off the Queen…

Could the aliens please return adventurer Steve Fossett; it’s been a month now. Surely that’s plenty of time for a thorough probing.

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We’d like to make an announcement to the people of Burma… but then again, there’s fuck all chance of them seeing it.

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Russell Crowe has announced he feels unworthy of the attention his fame has brought him. And anyone who’s seen A Good Year will probably agree. / As anyone who’s seen his movies will thoroughly agree.

Russell Crowe has announced he feels unworthy of the attention his acting fame has brought him. And the fame for his band is totally beyond him.

Russell Crowe has come out saying that his violence stems from his deepest insecurities. That, and being a fuckin bogan.

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Nikki Webster has announced she’ll be nuding up as part of the upcoming production of “Rent”, but she’ll just be showing her arse. To see her tits you have to check out her web site.

Nikki Webster has announced she’ll be playing a militant lesbian in the upcoming production of “Rent”, before starring as childstar-turned-skanky-ho in “The Nikki Webster Story”.

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Telstra has started a mail-out campaign to its 1.6m shareholders urging them to vent their anger at the Howard govt. They had to use a mail-out coz the phones weren’t working.

The Prime Minister has been trying to leave a message to complain about Telstra’s mail-out campaign, but somehow he keeps getting put on hold…

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The Big Switch-Off has just begun in Melbourne, so a big hello to all our Melbourne viewers, you selfish greenhouse-polluting scumbags.

The Big Switch-Off has just begun in Melbourne. Man, the ABC will stop at nothing to stop people watching this show.

NEXT WEEK

The Prime Minister will call the election. Maybe. Depends on whether he’s managed to stuff the rest of the surplus into the pockets of his advertising mates.

The Pakistan Presidential election will either be won by Pervez Musharraf, or someone with a death wish.

Tonight’s Big Switch Off in Melbourne will result in record low ratings for The Sideshow

Jennifer Lopez releases her new album, but a vaccine is available.

J-Lo releases her new album, and, to capitalise on her popularity, John Howard changes his name to J-Ho.

Marilyn Manson starts his Australian tour tonight, but a vaccine is available.

Marilyn Manson’s Australian tour was meant to start tonight, but was held up as customs try to work out exactly what that thing that does the singing is – and how long it should be quarantined.

Tomorrow sees the Bathurst 1000 motor race, but a vaccine is available.

The Melbourne Marathon begins tomorrow – or you could just catch a tram.

“So You Think You Can Dance Auditions” begin in Adelaide. C’mon people. That’s the joke.

Tomorrow, Adelaide is holding “So You Think You Can Dance Auditions”, followed by auditions for “So You Think You Can Mass-Murder”.

Anna Bligh takes her seat as parliament as Queensland’s first female Premier, and she should do great, so long as she has a killer recipe for pumpkin scones.

Anna Bligh takes her seat as parliament as Queensland’s first female Premier. To prove to the men of Queensland that she’s got what it takes, she’s had to shear a sheep, change a tractor tyre, and hang an abbo.

Brisbane will hold a “State Of The City” address. The correct answer is Queensland.

Tuesday is the 40th anniversary of Che Guevara’s death, and the 40th anniversary of the first Che Guevara T-shirt.

Tuesday is the 40th anniversary of Che Guevara’s death. Apparently, if you do your research, you find out he did all sorts of things other than looking cool on t-shirts.

On the 40th anniversary of Che Guevara’s death, kids wearing his T-shirts will be heard to cry, “He’s dead? Omygod!”

The Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards will be won by chocolate-covered farts.

On Wednesday, it’s the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. “I’ll have three red-heads and a brunette”, says Michael Jackson.

Archbishop George Pell addresses the National Press Club –apparently he’s still bangin’ on about this Jesus guy.

The Global Marketing research conference in Melbourne will be poorly attended when no-one can find their web site.

The Melbourne International Arts Festival will this year be held in Budapest.

The Melbourne International Arts Festival begins on Thursday, with a special opening exhibition dedicated to Andrew Bolt, which just has paintings of landscapes, famous people and bowls of fruit.

Greg Norman at the Sport Australia Hall Of Fame Luncheon. Just don’t order the flake.

The guest of honour at the Brisbane Cabaret Festival will be home-town boy Kevin Rudd, who won’t remember any of it.

The Brisbane Cabaret Festival will open with home-town boy Kevin Rudd getting blind drunk.

Brisbane will host the Lavazza Italian Film Festival. Having it sponsored by a coffee company gives you at least some chance of staying awake through the overwrought impressionistic epics.

Brisbane will host the Lavazza Italian Film Festival. Because Brissie is known for its love of multicultural films.

Brisbane will host the Lavazza Italian Film Festival. It’s just bloody lucky those Eye-Ties don’t count as foreigners anymore.

“Resident Evil: Extinction” will be released. This time, Milla Jovavich evicts those residents for good.

“Resident Evil 3: Extinction” will be released. Apparently it’s based on the Government’s Indigenous policies.

“Resident Evil 3: Extinction” will be released. And I don’t care it’s got no characters or plot – it’s got Milla Jovavich. Woo!

John Jarratt’s lawsuit against “Today Tonight” begins on Friday, with the actor alleging Channel Seven defamed him by using clips from Wolf Creek in a story about him arguing with tenants of a property he owns. If he loses his court case, he says he’s going to drop the whole thing, and just start making some heads on sticks… / If he loses his court case, he says he’s going to drop the whole thing, and just go do some shooting…

Hugh Jackman turns 39, and will celebrate by admitting that yes, he does have a huge jackman.

National Herpes Day – the excitement’s catching!

James Blunt will begin a promo tour, which fortunately means he won’t actually be playing any concerts. / but a vaccine is available.

Saturday’s 2007 Australian Commercial Radio Awards includes categories such as “Loudest Ad”, “Fakest On-air Friendship”, “Most Irritating Laugh” and “Wackiest Sound Effect”.

Next Saturday it’s the 2007 Australian Commercial Radio Awards! Kyle Sandilands looks set to win the coveted “Shut The Fuck Up And Go Away” award.

The World “Rock Paper Scissors” Championships will begin next Saturday, although this year they’re allowing Stones, Fabric and Stanley Knives. / Pebbles, Cardboard and Staplers.

The World “Rock Paper Scissors” Championships will begin next Saturday, this time with real rocks, papers and scissors. Suddenly it’s a lot more interesting.

World “Rock Paper Scissors” Championships will be won this year by Scimitar.

Ian Thorpe turns 25, meaning there’s only 35 more years before he can cash in his super.

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