Trophy: Families face body searches (The Glass House Double-glazed 20/7/05)

Police are frisking the families of the Bali Nine for hidden microphones and cameras during police visits. Channel Nine are said to have described a number of the families as “mike mules”. In fact, Mike Munro’s Mike Mules.

The family members are going to be strictly forbidden from smuggling in cameras and microphones. Looks like they’re going to have to stick to heroin.

It’s amazing the sound quality you get with a mike wrapped in two condoms and shoved up your arse.

The parents of a number of the Bali Nine are under exclusive contract to furnish A Current Affair with their story. In fact one mother was found trying to smuggle in Ray Martin…

The Bali Nine are using their last few months to set a good example and record a kids album. They’re calling themselves Hi-9. Really Hi-9.

One thing that’s been glossed over is that there are actually ten people in the Bali Nine – but Kerry Packer outbid Channel Ten to the naming rights…

…but at least he hasn’t forced them to wear a watermark.

Remember, when it comes to smuggling heroin, The Bali Nine are still the one…

Channel Nine staff are said to be pleased with the results of the interviews, but it still doesn’t make up for that massive heroin shipment that they’ve missed out on.

The Bali Nine are also due to appear on a “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” special. “And your question for $16,000 – what have you got strapped to your body? Is it a) heroin, b) cocaine, c) marijuana or d) a zoom lens?”

The Bali Nine are also due to appear on a “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” special. Although there’s no questions… except at Customs.

The families are now hiring out their services as a mobile recording studio, and are becoming really popular – for a little extra, they can bring the drugs too!

The family has been offered a free Balinese holiday, if they can just smuggle back a really nice minidisk recorder…

Unfortunately nothing got recorded – they were so stoned that they accidentally hit play instead of record, and confused the police by responding with the Best Of Gloria Estefan…

Guards became suspicious when the accused’s Mum shouted, “Cut, cut! More feeling, darling, more feeling!” The final giveaway was when she pulled the clapper board out from under her skirt…

Chapelle Corby was also approached by Channel 9 for an exclusive scoop, but when they opened up the camera bags, they found them stuffed with dope…

Chapelle Corby was also approached by Channel 9 for an exclusive scoop, but no camera would fit in her boogie board bag…

Enid Blyton’s estate are wanting to follow up the success of the Famous Five and Secret Seven with a book based on the Bali Nine… “More ginger beer, Julian?” “I’ll just stuff this heroin up my arse first, George.” “Oh, wizzo!”

Smuggled heroin in their knickerbockers… were originally called the “Knickerbocker Number Nine”…

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