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Pre-flavoured lamb (Good News Week 2/6/08: monologue)

Adelaide Uni scientists have found that feeding lamb on different diets can result in a unique tasting meat. Feeding them on garlic gives the meat a richer taste, and feeding them on Extra gives them a freshness burst that really lasts.

Adelaide Uni scientists have found that feeding lamb on different diets can result in a unique tasting meat. For instance a diet of strychnine can result in a bitter, sour flavour, whereas a cyanide diet tastes more acrid.

The diets with the best flavour impact were olive oil and garlic. Less tasty diets included dogshit and pig’s bladder.

And the meat tastes better if you kill them with kindness. / kill them softly.

Not only should they be fed on garlic and olive oil, but they should sleep on feather-quilts and be tended to by tiny slave-chickens. (Or so says the Sheep’s Union.)

The garlic and olive oil fed lamb were the tastiest. Next the scientists hope to breed lambs cooked and with a serve of roast potatoes.

Wow. Self-seasoning lambs. Now if only they can breed them cooked it’ll save a lot of time.

Wow. Self-seasoning lambs. The next step is to breed them skinned and gutted.

Wow. Self-seasoning lambs. Now if only they can breed them cooked, eaten and shat out, it’ll save a lot of time.

Ha, little lamb! You think you’re getting a lovely delicious diet of fancy foods, when in fact it is YOU who is becoming delicious!

Interestingly the best tasting lamb is the one they fed on lamb. The lambs found it delicious, and remained blissfully unaware of the social stigma that cannibalism can bring.

Sheep are being fed garlic in order to change their meat’s flavour, and to stop them picking up at lamb discos. (Those lamb discos. They’re a total meat-market. Everyone dressed as mutton.)

Three years research, and $250,000 on trying to make lamb taste different. Haven’t these people heard of condiments?

Three years research, and $250,000 on trying to make lamb taste different. Maybe if they don’t like lamb so much, they could try eating something else.

This finally explains why lamb has always tasted like oats and grass. / like cud.

They’ve been wanting to change the flavour of lamb for many years. They were sick of eating an animal that tastes like cud. / oats and grass.

The same scientists are trying to breed pies that taste like sauce. / chickens that taste like beef.

They’re now trying to make potatoes that taste like roast chickens, carrots that taste like broccoli, and pumpkin that tastes just like potatoes and carrots. / and, if you want something that tastes like potatoes or carrots, you can eat their new-flavoured pumpkin.

It’s interesting. A lamb that eats garlic tastes like garlic, and a human who eats them tastes like a lamb. / a garlicky lamb. Scrumptious.

One experiment involved feeding them nothing but oysters and fine wine. It didn’t change the flavour of the meat, but it did help get the sheep in the mood. / but it was excellent foreplay.

The olive oil-infused feed made the lamb less pungent, which appeals more to Japanese palates. That strong smell of lamb can sometimes almost be tasted over the wasabi.

The olive oil feed in particular made the lamb less pungent, which will appeal to Asian markets who prefer their meat less smelly and more artificial.

They’re trying to tap the Asian market. So their ultimate plan is to breed sheep that taste like whales. / dogs. / fried noodles.

It’s not a bad life for the lambs either. At least until they are slaughtered in their youth. / brutally slaughtered in the prime of their life.

Lambs have responded well to being fed foods like garlic, citrus, rosemary and red wine. Some are now demanding menus. / napkins.

Lambs say they’re hoping to find a way to make their meat even tastier through eating truffles and caviar.

The lambs are thrilled to finally get some food with a bit of flavour. Beats the hell out of cud.

With the lambs being fed foods like garlic, rosemary, red wine and citrus pulp even their cud is worth tasting. Mmm, regurgitated citrus pulp.

Well if you fed me nothing but gourmet food and wine rather than dry grain, I’d probably taste a bit better too.

They’ve also discovered that feeding lambs on cows makes them taste like prime steak, eliminating our need to kill cows altogether. Except to feed to the sheep.

Then, once they’ve got a lamb that tastes like garlic, they can breed pigs that taste like the garlic-flavoured lambs!

The diets with the best flavour impact were olive oil and garlic, and, although feeding them Coco Pops also made the lamb delicious, it did tend to make the meat just like a chocolate milkshake only crunchy. / Rice Bubbles also made the lamb delicious, it did tend to make the meat snap, crackle and pop.

A meat producer said the new diets also have beneficial effects on feed efficiency and fat content. Who knew that there were better diets than grass and grain available?

And if you feed lambs pig’s bladder, they taste like fingers.

And, after all the delicious foods humans eat, we can actually now dine on gourmet food just by gnawing on our own tongues.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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