Tues, June 10
Tomorrow’s Centenary of rugby league gala dinner will be attended by whole flocks of galas.
At the “Centenary of Rugby League” gala dinner in Brisbane, there’ll be a riot when some of the players discover salad in the buffet. / quiche in the buffet.
At the “Centenary of Rugby League” gala dinner in Brisbane, there’ll be a riot when some of the players are asked to eat less beef.
The head of the Indigenous Intervention Taskforce will address the Sydney Institute, and suggest that perhaps the government says “Sorry”. (It worked last time.)
Wed, June 11
Kevin Rudd’s first trip to Japan and Indonesia will go horribly wrong when he tells them how much he loves Asians, in Mandarin.
Wednesday sees Kevin Rudd’s first trip to Japan, where he’ll try one of these whales that didn’t quite diet enough.
Kevin Rudd’s first trip to Japan will see him trying to explain that eating less beef for the environment doesn’t mean “eat more whales”.
The Dalai Lama’s 5-day meditation workshops in Sydney’s Olympic Park will go horribly wrong when something actually happens.
The Dalai Lama’s 5-day meditation workshops in Sydney’s Olympic Park will take off with a spectacular gala performance – His Holiness sitting silently on a bare, blank stage.
The Dalai Lama’s 5-day meditation workshops in Sydney’s Olympic Park will be greeted with rapturous silence, with excited fans from all over Australia doing nothing.
The APEC Education Ministers meeting in Peru will get off to a shaky start when someone accidentally lets in some Peruvians.
The APEC Education Ministers meeting in Peru will get off to a shaky start when it turns out the whole thing was just another prank by Chas Licciardello.
The State of Origin game in Brisbane will still fail to definitively answer the question of where we came from.
The State of Origin game in Brisbane will continue to be fought out by the Creationists and the Darwinists.
Thurs, June 12
On Thursday the Queen’s Birthday honours list announced, and surely we deserve one just for broadcasting on the holiday.
The announcement of the Queen’s Birthday honours list in Canberra will shock the country by including Elvis Presley and a thin slice of Edam. The old bat’s finally lost it.
The 100 richest celebrities will be announced, as well as the 100 creamiest celebrities, and the 100 celebrities you’d most want to melt in your mouth but not in your hand. / and the 100 celebrities that may contain traces of nuts.
The list of the 100 richest celebrities will be accompanied by the 100 poorest nonentities, which is much more competitive.
“The Incredible Hulk” movie release. I can’t wait for the spectacular CGI transformation by Eric Bana into Ed Norton.
The AMA will object to new movie “The Incredible Hulk” after Ed Norton’s performance is described as “smokin’”. / after the Hulk’s destruction of a city clearly leaves it smoking.
“The Incredible Hulk” movie will be released, along with a tie-in dessert, the “Inedible Hunk”. Not really sure what’s in it, but you can only cook it with gamma rays.
The Tasmanian Budget will be announced: apparently, they’re going to cut back on apples.
The Tasmanian Budget will be handed down by whoever’s Treasurer this week.
The Tasmanian Budget will be handed down and finally give Gunns something to pulp.
The Senate’s inquiry into WA’s financial management will begin at the bottom of the harbour.
Fri, June 13
The G8 finance meeting in Japan will go great guns, which will then be used to harpoon whales.
The G8 finance meeting in Japan will go swimmingly, to more easily catch the whales.
Friday’s Slim Dusty tribute concert will tragically run out of beer.
The Slim Dusty tribute concert in Sydney will get off to a bad start when he can’t perform because he’s dead. / when it turns out he’s dead.
The Slim Dusty tribute concert in Sydney will get off to a bad start when he gets up and plays.
The Slim Dusty tribute concert in Sydney will get off to a bad start when it ends up being neither very slim nor particularly dusty.
The Slim Dusty tribute concert in Sydney will feature some of his best-loved songs played by awesome new bands: Slim Dusty Springfield, Fatboy Slim Dusty, and a special new song written by Slim Shady and the Dust Brothers in memory of Slim Dusty, called “MotherFucker I’m On Drugs”. / “A Club With No Drugs”.
The Slim Dusty tribute concert in Sydney will get off to a bad start when Johnny Rotten and Britney Spears perform “A Pub With No Beer” together, the thought of which will cause them both to break down inconsolably.
The Slim Dusty tribute show will be interrupted by some guy named Duncan claiming he’s owed several hundred thousand beers.
Sat, June 14
World Blood Donor Day celebrates all those who give blood to save the lives of others. Though on a world level, it’s probably better to let them die and reduce the population.
World Blood Donor Day will be launched by a mysterious billionaire philanthropist from Transylvania. / only known as “Vlad”. / only known as “Dr Acula”.
The “World Blood Donor Day” barbecue will get off to a terrible start when several Germans mistake it for “World Blood Doner Kebab Day”… / “World Blood Sausage Day”, and donate a truckload of black pudding.
Donald Trump will turn 62 – “You’re tired.”
Coldplay and The Offspring will both release new albums, to a resounding silence. / prompting one to ask “Why?” / to tumbleweeds and the chorusing of crickets. / although, of course, they will just sound like their old ones. / although, to try to keep with the times, it’s actually just their old songs with a “dm-chka-dm-chka-dm-chka” stuck on top.
On Saturday, Coldplay & The Offspring both release new albums, and a duet: “Come Out And Coldplay”.
Sun, June 15
The Australian Dance Awards in Melbourne will go to some nobody who can’t even krump.
Just a quick plug for the 2008 International Advertising Festival.
The 2008 International Advertising Festival in Cannes will be totally Canned.
The 2008 International Advertising Festival in Cannes will only go for 30 seconds, but leave you humming the tune for days.
62nd annual Tony Awards will be cancelled when the AMA discovers that all the plays contain smoking.
The 62nd annual Tony Awards in New York will be awarded, for the 62nd time, to Tony.
Mon, June 16
In Canberra next Monday the government will receive reports on the Stolen Generations Compensation Inquiry, the Housing Affordability Inquiry, Australian Crime Commission Inquiry and the Senate report into fertiliser pricing. Which means four committees can report and only one piece of bad news makes the front page.
The Stolen Generations compensation inquiry will report in Canberra – turns out “sorry” just doesn’t cut it after all. / turns out there’s actually more to it than just saying “sorry”.
The Stolen Generations compensation report will recommend that no compensation be handed out. Sorry!
The Stolen Generations compensation report will recommend that each and every member of the stolen generation get deposited, directly into their bank accounts, a piece of paper saying “Sorry”.
The housing-affordability inquiry will report that it’s easy to afford housing, but only if you sell your house.
The Australian Crime Commission inquiry was going to report in Canberra on Monday, but seems to have taken the money and done a runner.
The senate report into fertiliser pricing is due in Canberra – which is good, that city needs a bit of excitement. / and for me, the only thing more exciting than fertiliser pricing, is Canberra.
The senate report into fertiliser pricing is due in Canberra. It’s actually very important – terrorists can use fertiliser to make bombs, or even worse, they could grow some lovely petunias.
