The Pelvic Haka (Good News Week 23/6/08: Strange But True)

Men are being recommended to do pelvic floor exercises to cure impotence. And women are recommended to do them along with the men just in case they cure to the point of conception.

The idea is ludicrous. There’s no way men are going to do something called “exercise” when they could just pop a pill.

So exercises to assist women’s pregnancy can now also help them get there.

As well as to cure impotence, the exercises are also recommended for men who are pregnant.

It’s the same exercise that women do after having a baby, when it doesn’t matter so much if they have a massive erection.

40 percent of the men who tried pelvic floor exercises regained full sexual function, 30 percent had improved function, and the other 30 percent found their cocks sprouted wings. / and the other 30 percent can now use their members to bang in nails. / and the other 30 percent can now use their cocks as a crowbar. / and the other 30 percent actually started growing extra penises. / and the other 30 percent are now using their cocks as pogo-sticks.

The technique is said to be just as effective as Viagra, although much harder to sell over the Internet.

Pelvic floor exercises can be just as effective as Viagra, but without the side-effects including headaches, indigestion and spam.

The technique involves simply contracting internal muscles to strengthen them. Contract one muscle, expand another.

Pelvic floor exercises are a simple process involving contracting and relaxing the muscles in the perineum. Although to make it more appealing to men, you can do it in a monster truck. / Although to be a proper exercise to men, it really should be combined with some sort of extreme sport.

Pelvic floor exercises are a simple process involving contracting and relaxing the muscles in the perineum. Or, if you’re in Italy, the Colloseum. / Or, if you’d rather, in the bedroom.

Unfortunately, many men think the “pelvic floor” is what you collapse onto when you’re legless.

The exercises are a simple contraction of the internal muscles which can be done anywhere. In fact I’m doing them now. Well? I’m allowed to! / Hope that doesn’t creep anyone out.

The best thing about pelvic floor exercises is that you can do them while doing other things. I’m doing them now – and let me tell you, it’s working! / The best thing about pelvic floor exercises is that no-one can tell when you’re doing them. In fact, I’m doing them right now – and let me tell you, it’s working!

The exercises are similar to moves All Blacks perform during the haka. And to be fair, I’ve never seen anyone describe an All Black as impotent. Not to their face, anyway.

Apparently, the All-Blacks’ haka is similar to the pelvic exercises women are meant to do after giving birth. This explains why so many mums are now getting Maori facial tattoos before launching into the scrum.

The All-Blacks were pleased to hear that the haka was good for preventing impotence. All this time they’d only been doing it to prevent incontinence caused by childbirth.

Pelvic floor exercises are similar to moves in the haka performed by the All Blacks. Though you probably don’t need to do the tongue thing.

So the haka performed by the All Blacks actually works as a cure for impotence. In fact that eye rolling and tongue lolling is just a creative depiction of orgasm.

The pelvic floor exercises prevent incontinence, and now they’re shown to cure impotence? I reckon do them, just in case they turn out to be the cure for cancer too.

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