Good News Week

Chinese are massive dopers (Good News Week 4/8/08: monologue)

Just days before the Beijing Olympics, evidence has emerged of a massive doping trade in China. So the good news is there should be heaps of world records!

Well, China may have banned late-night fun, foreign reporters, eating dogs, prostitution, and being black or Mongolian, but at least you can still dope.

And, even harder to believe, apparently some of their athletes aren’t habitually drugged or genetically modified, and have to rely on training and natural abilities. It’s sick!

Of course, in this modern age, winning the Olympics shouldn’t be about doping and genetic modification. It should be about the best ways to cover up doping and genetic modification.

I can’t believe the Chinese are doping their athletes! I just naturally assumed they learnt to move so quickly from years of trying to escape their totalitarian government. / trying to outrun the death squads.

The findings were broadcast in a documentary on German TV, so at least German athletes know who to get the good stuff from.

Of course the stories of gene therapy haven’t been released in China. With a population of 1.3 billion, everyone just figures there’s bound to be a few 9 foot tall weightlifters. / high-jumpers.

The World Anti-Doping Agency director general said the documentary was “very scary” and gave it four stars.

The World Anti-Doping Agency director general said it was “very scary” that doctors would try out experimental procedures on human beings. Stick to the helpless chimps. / Stick to innocent animals locked in cages.

But of course there’s massive doping in China. How else could they keep 1.3 billion people so passive?

A Chinese doctor was filmed agreeing to give stem cell treatment to a fictitious American swimmer. Chinese officials were outraged – gene therapy is only allowed on their athletes! And only real ones!

A Chinese doctor was filmed agreeing to give stem cell treatment to a fictitious American swimmer. He just wanted to see what would happen if a fictitious swimmer won a medal.

A doctor at a Chinese hospital was happy to give stem cell treatment to American athletes, though he later assured the government that he only intended to give Americans genes that made them slow, weak and lazy. / that enhanced their own natural weakness, laziness, and immoral decadence.

These days the Chinese are even performing gene therapy to improve athletes’ performance. You wouldn’t believe how much faster you can swim with four arms. / with fins. / with tentacles.

To improve athletes’ performance, the Chinese are even performing gene therapy. But surely, when you’re swimming competitively, it’s best not to wear jeans at all. (They’d create quite a lot of water resistance, and most likely just slow you down. I recommend just wearing ya togs.)

The doctor recommended injecting up to 80 million stem cells into a swimmer. He’s not sure exactly what effect they’ll have, but they’re bound to do something. / but with that many, one’s sure to do something.

One former athlete confirmed that in the 1980s, Chinese athletes were systematically doped. They just mixed a little steroid in with their daily dose of mind-control drug.

Olympic officials are going to be on the lookout for any signs of genetic modification, and any medal winner should expect a careful count of their limbs.

Unlike doping, gene therapy is hard to pick. You have to watch out for athletes growing whiskers and snouts.

It’s not just a Chinese thing, either. I’ve met quite a few Aussie athletes, and most of them were pretty dopey too.

Doping is getting so hard to police these days. Maybe they should just change the Olympic motto to “Swifter, Higher, Stronger, More Genetically Modified”.

I don’t see what’s so wrong with doping. The Olympic motto is “Swifter, Higher, Stronger”, and these athletes are just getting higher and higher. / and, after all, the athletes are getting higher, and the drugs are getting stronger. / The athletes are getting swifter, and much higher, because the drugs are getting stronger.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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