Virtual strip search (Good News Week 27/10/08: What’s the Story)

A new, virtual strip search machine is being trialled in Australian airports, which allows security staff to see travellers’ breasts and genitals. Although not their faces – that would be rude.

People won’t be able to be recognised, as their faces will be blurred. Although there is still the chance that one of the operators may recognise your genitals.

So now, if you want to smuggle something through security, the best idea is to strap it to your face. / keep it under your hat.

So now, if you want to smuggle something through security, just make sure it looks like tits. / make sure you shape it to look like a penis.

The machine is actually made out of old X-Ray Spex.

And if that doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable, the laser anal probe will. / the robot cavity probe most definitely will. / just wait for the robot cavity probe. / just wait til the robot cavity searcher’s through with you.

In suspicious circumstances, the machine can also perform a virtual cavity search, which feels kind of tingly. / which feels like a laser-rape.

They’re particularly looking for concealed weapons, explosives, and hot porn footage.

They’re particularly looking for concealed weapons, hidden explosives, and breasts that are firm, yet yielding. / and a rack that’s smokin’. / and red hot bazongas.

The faces are blurred, so don’t worry – even the real mingers will look hot.

Passengers can have the choice of a virtual strip search or a frisk and a hand-wanding. But if you’re really into it, you can do the lot.

It’s a part of the airport’s “Equal Opportunity For Perverts And Voyeurs” policy.

They call it a “virtual strip search”. Unfortunately, they haven’t worked out how to stop the machine having a virtual erection.

They call it a “virtual strip search”. Sounded better than a “massive intrusion into personal privacy”. / “total disregard for personal dignity”. / “unbelievable breach of personal liberty”. / “incredible invasive waste of taxpayers’ money”.

They say that it won’t invade peoples’ privacy because the faces are blurred. Now, they may not have noticed, but the faces are the only bits they can ALREADY SEE! / they don’t need a MACHINE TO SEE! / it’s not their faces that people are worried about them seeing!

They say that it won’t invade peoples’ privacy because the faces are blurred. I know what they mean – when I’m getting off on porn, I’m always just studying their faces. / Because porn is all about the faces.

They say that it won’t invade peoples’ privacy because the faces are blurred. And there’s humourous faces drawn on the penises. / Whereas the genitals are in crisp digital high definition. / Besides, they’ll mostly be concentrating on breasts.

Passengers will only have to go through the machine if the normal metal detector goes off first. Or if the security guard wants a better look at their tits.

They assure us that everything will be above-board, as only women will be able to observe the women, and only men will be able to observe the men. So at least the only person you might turn on with a view of your naked body will be gay.

Don’t worry, it’s perfectly harmless! So long as they don’t employ people into gay robo-porn.

Although, I must say, the airport does seem like the most appropriate place to be able to see someone’s landing strip.

They say the machine is physically incapable of saving images. Saving images? Who ever heard of such a thing?

They say the machine is physically incapable of saving images. And it certainly doesn’t automatically upload them all to x-ray-porn.com.

Of course if you really want to screw with the machine, go through nude.

The faces are blurred though, which means that orgasmic look isn’t doing it for anyone.

The software blurs the subject’s face, although exhibitionists can ask for that feature to be switched off.

So some security guards can see people’s goolies – so what? The rest of us have Google Earth.

You just know that, on the weekends, the staff will all be using the machine to play virtual strip poker. / at the Xmas party, after a coupla drinks, the staff will all be using the machine to play virtual strip poker.

Whoever works out a way to put this technology on the back of sunglasses is going to make a fortune.

Do you know how much teenagers would pay for access to this machine?

Leave a Reply