Human dumbbells (Good News Week 16/2/09: Strange But True)

A London gym has begun employing what they call “human dumbbells”, people who sit on adapted gym machines so lifters can visualise what they’re lifting. The main problem is that the job of “dumbbell” doesn’t really add much to your CV.

Of course, they don’t want to be called “dumbells”. They prefer “weight elevation technical officer”.

Gym owner Richard Hilton said it wasn’t a gimmick, but the “ultimate embodiment of visualisation theory”. Because let’s face it, the real reason people go to the gym is so they can carry dwarves.

Gym owner Richard Hilton said it wasn’t a gimmick, but the “ultimate embodiment of visualisation theory”. He also said that he was “full of shit” and “just cashing in on peoples’ stupidity”.

The owner of Gymbox says that it’s not a gimmick, and that he had no idea such a cheap exploitative idea would get him into the newspaper.

The gym owner says that it’s about visualisation; that if you get a mental image of what you want to lift it can improve your performance. Gym members are finding their performance improving, although now if they want to lift something in real life it does have to be made out of people.

Gym members are finding their performance improving, but only when lifting midgets.

The human weights range in weight from 30 to 155 kilos. But for those who can’t lift 30 kilos, they keep a range of babies in the equipment room. / a range of children and small animals in the equipment room. / a range of chickens in jumpsuits.

And their rowing machine’s an actual boat.

And instead of a traditional treadmill, you just go for a walk.

They’ve also replaced the exercise bike with an exercise Mike. Sure you can’t pedal as fast, but he is a really nice guy.

Unfortunately, unlike regular weights, these have a tendency to squeal when you put them on the end of the bar.

One human dumbbell said it was a big step up from his last job as a lump of lard.

One human dumbbell said it was a big step up from his last job as a rowing machine. / billiard table.

Of course being a human dumbbell is great preparation if you’re planning on a career as a sack of shit.

Proof that not even gym equipment is immune from the global financial crisis.

Not only can they help you lose fat and gain muscle, but when you’re exhausted after a hard session, they can drive you home.

Not only can they help you lose fat and gain muscle, but if you’re not really getting into the zone, they can slap you around a bit.

And if you want to increase the weight by degrees, just throw on an extra limb. / lift them while they eat.

Just for kicks, sometimes they’ll swap costumes, and make some poor bastard think he’s only lifting 40 kilos when he’s hauling a guy over 100. Oh the frolics!

Sure, it’s a demeaning job and the pay’s poor, but at least you get one of those natty little bodystockings!

The bloke in the middle hasn’t even tied his shoelace for the photo. But really, when your job description is “human dumbbell”, why bother? / shoelaces are probably the least of your concerns.

The only risk with being a human dumbbell is actually getting a workout yourself and losing weight.

Of course the advantage of real dumbbells is that they don’t go for a crap just before you start lifting them.

Of course the advantage of real dumbbells is that they don’t suddenly get heavier because they had a big lunch.

Unfortunately if you change weight you not only lose your job, but your bodystocking becomes inaccurate.

You know, I love nothing more than lifting people up and having them yell at me to do better. That’s what I call a good time.

The human dumbbells just have to sit around in a tracksuit and occasionally yell abuse at people. Finally, another job for John Howard.

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